


Believing Your Lies

by SaucyWench



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse, Dark!Kili, Dehydration, Durincest, Imprisonment, Kidnapping, M/M, Mental Instability, Minor Injuries, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Rape/Non-con Elements, Starvation, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicidal Thoughts, Whump, occasional profanity, victim!Fili
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-02
Updated: 2014-12-18
Packaged: 2018-01-21 14:43:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 18
Words: 44,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1554053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaucyWench/pseuds/SaucyWench
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone heard the whispers.  “A strain of madness runs deep in that family.”   People watched as first Thrór then Thráin succumbed to the dragon sickness.  Gold lust, they called it.  They watched Thorin struggle with it as well.  So when Fili and Kili showed no abnormal interest in gold and gems, there were sighs of relief.  Maybe the madness would end, and the curse would be lifted from the line of Durin.  </p><p>Dragon sickness can take other forms, though.  No one saw the glimmer of madness hidden beneath the smiles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Somewhat Damaged

**Author's Note:**

> I normally don't like tagging everything right up front, because spoilers. This story is dark, though, so I think it is fair to warn you. If you think I need to add a tag, please let me know.

in the back off the side far away is a place where I hide  
where I stay tried to say tried to ask I needed to  
all alone by myself where were you?  
how could I ever think it's funny how everything that  
swore it wouldn't change is different now  
just like you would always say we'll make it through  
then my head fell apart and where were you?

Fili woke slowly, cold and aching, surrounded by unfamiliar smells and sounds. He laid still for a few minutes, trying to figure out where he was and what had happened to make him ache so much. The last thing he remembered was making camp with Kili. Kili laughing, teasing him about something, and passing him a wineskin. After that, his memory was blank.

He cracked open one eye to see if he could glean anything about where he was. A cautious glance told him he was alone. He was stripped of his weapons, shirt, and shoes, wearing nothing but his breeches. When he sat up, he felt a heavy weight and heard something clang. Feeling with his hands, he found a thick metal band around his neck. To it was fastened a chain, and the chain ended where it was fastened to a heavy iron ring in the wall.

Was he imprisoned? Looking around, he thought maybe so. The walls were stone, but they didn’t look like the walls at home. These were a different color, and roughly hewn. There was a fireplace on the other side of the room, with a small fire burning in it. It seemed to be the only source of light he had. There was a thin mattress on the floor, which he had woken on. A chamber pot was off to one side of the mattress. A wooden door was on the opposite wall, and that appeared to be it.

How had he gotten here, wherever this was? Where were all his belongings? More importantly, where was his brother? He ran a hand through his hair, glad that at least his mysterious captors had left his beads alone. He tried to see if he could find a latch or a flaw in the band around his throat. Tugging on it experimentally showed that he wouldn’t be able to get it off without the key. He couldn’t see it, but it felt like there was a lock where the chain was fastened to it.

Fili got up to look at where the chain was attached to the wall. There was a thick iron loop jutting from the stone, and the end of the chain was locked around it. Trying to see in the dim light was hard, but the lock looked to be of dwarven design. That meant that even if he had the right tools, it would be extremely difficult to pick. He pulled at the chain, but it was solid and thick. The loop on the wall was set into the stone, with no gap exposed to try and pry open. One more pull, and he decided to save his strength. He walked to the end of the chain, but he couldn’t reach anything. It barely allowed him to go to the center of the room. The door and fireplace were out of range.

He moved around a bit, stretching to try and rid his muscles of the aches he carried. He felt like he had a hangover, but he didn’t drink that much. He tried again to remember what had happened, but he was drawing a blank. He couldn’t even say for sure how long he had been in this room, or cell, whatever it was.

Who had brought him here? Was it the elves? He knew that elves and dwarves were not on the best of terms. Kidnapping a dwarf could quickly escalate that into full blown warfare. Kidnapping a prince? Much less two, if Kili was also being held. Surely they wouldn’t. Fili hadn’t had a lot of exposure to elves, but they didn’t strike him as beings that would do something like this.

Sitting back down on the mattress, Fili drew his legs up, hugging his knees. He was still cold. The small fire didn’t do much to warm the large room. Hopefully wherever Kili was, he had his clothes for warmth at least.

Thinking of his brother brought a curl of anxiety to his chest. Certainly he was unharmed. If they were being held for ransom or political reasons, doubtlessly his captors would know that two of them were better than one for negotiations. He refused to entertain the idea that his brother was hurt, or possibly dead. If they knew enough about them to take Fili hostage, then surely they knew that Kili was just as valuable in the eyes of his kingdom and family.

Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath. Kili had to be safe, that is all there was to it. No point in thinking yourself into a panic, Fili thought. Just stop. First he had to find a way out of these chains and out of this cell. Then he would find his brother. And Mahal help the bastards that dared to do this if Kili was harmed in any way.

He sat there for what seemed like hours. There was no way to gauge the passing of time except for the fire, which was steadily burning down. He tried to stay alert, but it was hard. He felt tired and it was hard to concentrate. His mind was racing, chasing itself in circles with thoughts about Kili, who might have done this, where was he being held, what was going to happen next. He was almost dozing when he heard a key scrape in the lock on the door. He leaped to his feet. He didn’t know what fate was in store for him, but he would meet it on his feet like a son of Durin.

He backed away from the door, almost to the wall. If he got a chance, he wanted to have enough slack in the chain so he could fight. Keeping his face impassive to hide his anxiety, standing on the balls of his feet ready to move, Fili watched as the door opened a little. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but he certainly didn’t expect to see Kili slipping in the cracked door and closing it softly behind him.

“Kili?” Fili whispered. “You’re okay! Gods, I was so worried!”

“You’re awake?” Kili said in a normal tone of voice. “How do you feel?”

“I’ll be fine. I’m chained to the wall, though. Did you see a key anywhere? Do you know who did this to us? How did you escape?” He walked closer, reaching out to Kili, but the brunet was out of range. “Can you get me loose?”

“I didn’t escape,” Kili told him, turning away. “I’m the one who did this.” He went and put another log on the fire from a small stack Fili hadn’t seen previously.

Fili let his arm fall. “What do you mean?”

“I’m the one that chained you to the wall. I brought you here.” Kili glanced at him quickly, and looked back at the fire.

Taking a step back, Fili said, “That isn’t funny, Kili. Are you serious?”

“Yes,” Kili said, turning towards Fili now, but coming no closer.

“Why would you do this? Do you have the key? Is this a joke? Get this collar off of me!” Fili demanded, stepping forward again.

Kili didn’t move. “I wanted to be able to talk to you, and spend some time alone with you, without all your friends hanging around.”

Trying not to shout, Fili ground out, “We live together. We talk every day. We share a bedroom. We are supposed to be on a hunting trip together as we speak, just the two of us, and you are complaining we don’t spend enough time together? We might as well be attached at the hip!”

Kili came closer to Fili and said, “No, Fee. You are always running off with your friends, or too busy to talk. You were talking about leaving me in the bottom of a valley while you went to the other side to drive game in my direction. I’ve been trying to be with you for months now.”

“Fine. Unlock this collar and we can talk.” Fili stepped back and rattled the chain.

“No.” Kili shook his head.

Fili’s temper snapped. “Damn it, Kili! I don’t want to hear another fucking word out of your mouth until you release me!”

A hurt look flew across Kili’s face, quickly chased away by anger. “Fine! You won’t have to listen to me! You can sit here and rot for all I care!” He whirled away and in two quick strides was out of the room, slamming the door closed behind him.

“Kili, get back here!” Fili heard a key in the lock. “Kili!” He heard retreating footsteps. “Curse you Kili, come back!” Nothing. Fili was alone with only the sounds of the fire to keep him company.

***

Fili didn’t know how long he stood staring at the door in disbelief. This had to be a nightmare. Or maybe it was a joke. Kili wouldn’t go off and leave him chained to the wall like some prisoner. His brother wouldn’t tell him he could rot, and leave him here. He kept expecting Kili to burst through the door laughing, teasing him about falling for such a trick.

He ran his hands over the band around his neck again. There had to be a way to get it off. He pulled on it a few times, but it was solid. The hinge was flush against it and he couldn’t get his nails under to pry it apart. The lock was heavy and unmoving. He couldn’t find a way to open it.

He turned and looked at where the chain was attached to the wall. Inspecting it did not reveal a way to get loose. The metal rung was set into the wall, and the chain was looped around that and locked.

Running his hands up and down his legs to check his pockets just affirmed what he had thought. Everything was gone. His pocketknife, the few coins he had on him when they left the house, all of it gone. He had nothing he could use as a makeshift tool.

Wrapping the chain around his arm, he gave it a hard yank against the band around his throat. Nothing. He got a solid grip and slowly started pulling. Applying more pressure, and more, he tried to pull free, but still nothing. He grabbed the collar and tried to pull it apart, but it didn’t even budge.

Giving up on that tactic, he tried pulling the chain from the wall. After a few hard jerks, he sat on the floor. Wrapping the chain around his arms again, he braced his feet against the rough wall. He pushed with his legs, pulling on the chain, steadily increasing the pressure. He kept doing that until sweat started to pop on his forehead, teeth clenched and lips drawn back from the effort. Still nothing.

He got up to inspect the wall again, but could see no change. In frustration, he yanked the chain hard. His hand slipped and he scraped the skin off of his knuckles when they hit the wall. With a muttered curse, he shook his hand and inspected it. They were bleeding where the skin had broken. He licked at the small wound then wiped it on his breeches.

The taste made him realize he was thirsty. He looked around and noticed he had no water. No wineskin, no food either. The tendril of anxiety coiled in his chest blossomed into fear. What if Kili didn’t come back?

They were supposed to be on a hunting trip right now. He didn’t know what day it was, but their family didn’t expect them back for weeks, maybe a month or more. They were going to hunt elk. It might be two months before someone realized they should have been back.

With no water, Fili didn’t think he would last a week. Trying to remember his lessons about survival in the wild, he realized he wouldn’t even last that long. It was a matter of days before someone would die of thirst. How long had he been here already, alone and unconscious? By now it might be only a matter of hours.

He realized he was talking himself into a panic, and blew out a shaking breath. He couldn’t think about that now. Right now he had to figure out a way to get out of this collar, or get the chain from the wall. He had to get loose. He would deal with everything else once he got free.

***

Hours later, Fili was curled in a ball, shivering on the thin mattress. He knew it had to be hours, because the fire had burned down to embers, leaving him in the dark.

First he had tried to pull the chain from the wall. After a lot of effort, and more slips and scraped knuckles, he gave up. There was no change, no cracks in the rock or bends in the iron. He was just tiring himself out.

Next he had tried to find a way to get out of the collar. He picked at the hinge that let the collar open, tried to pry it open, and tugged at the lock. He only stopped when his fingers were too raw to continue.

Now he was trying to ignore the cold, telling himself he wasn’t thirsty, pretending that he wasn’t sore and aching all over. He wriggled his foot, thinking that the cramp trying to form in his calf was from where he had braced himself on the wall. It couldn’t be from dehydration, not yet. He paid no attention to his growling stomach.

He sat up, heart pounding, thinking he heard the scrape of a key in the door. After listening intently for several minutes, he decided he must have imagined it. He shivered and lay back down.

***

Fili was warm in the sun. He was giving Kili a piggy back ride. He laughed at Kili’s shrieks of delight, and galloped around, bouncing the young boy. He stopped and spun around until he was dizzy. He fell on the ground, lying on his stomach pretending to be dead.

Kili scrambled off his back and tugged on one of his braids. “Fee, get up! Let’s play!”

Still playing dead, Fili lay there unmoving.

“Fee!” A small hand patted his cheek. “Fili? Wake up!” Kili leaned down over Fili’s face, concerned.

With a roar, Fili grabbed Kili and started tickling him. Eventually they stopped roughhousing, and Fili laid his head down, using Kili’s stomach as a pillow.

The child didn’t object. He just stroked Fili’s head, and told him, “My Fee.”

“Your Fee,” Fili agreed.

He opened his eyes, smiling. The smile vanished when he couldn’t see anything. It was too dark. His hand flew to his throat, feeling the collar there. He was still imprisoned. The happy memory had only been a dream.

Licking his lips, he realized how dry his throat was. His mouth was sticky feeling. Even his eyes felt dry. His head was pounding, he was dizzy, and he felt too tired to even sit up. He didn’t have to go to the bathroom like he normally did upon waking, and somehow that scared him most of all. Chilled, he tried to curl up tighter to conserve body heat. He shivered so hard it made him ache. He wasn’t hungry anymore, in fact, he felt nauseous.

For the first time, he admitted to himself that he might die there. If he didn’t get something to drink, he might die soon, too. He just couldn’t believe that Kili would leave him there to die, alone and miserable. This was his baby brother, the one who followed Fili as soon as he could walk. Fili’s friends teased him about it, calling Kili his shadow. He had no idea why Kili would do something like this to him.

He was wishing with all his heart that Kili would come back and at least tell him why he was doing this. He was still wishing when he fell back to sleep.

 

 


	2. Deep

Blank stare  
Disrepair  
There's a big black hole  
Gonna eat me up someday  
Someday fades away  
Like a memory  
Or a place that you'd rather be  
Some place lost in space  
Itch in my head, that's telling me somewhere  
Somewhere out there anywhere  
I don't care  
Get me out of here

 

A noise jerked Fili out of his light doze. He laid there listening, but when he heard nothing else he thought it must be his imagination. The fire had completely gone out. There was not even the soft glow of embers left.

There was no denying his thirst now. His lips were cracked and peeling. Even his skin felt dry. It reminded him of the time he fell asleep in the sun and got a burn. He thought maybe he should try to pull on the chain some more, but he was so lethargic that it didn’t seem worth the attempt.

His mind kept circling around Kili. Why was Kili doing this? Why would Kili leave him here like this? The questions were still bouncing around his brain, fluttering like a bird trapped in a room until he fell asleep again.

“Fili?” A warm hand stroked his cheek softly. “Fee, wake up.”

Fili’s throat was on fire now, it was so dry it burned. Everything hurt, and his head was pounding with every beat of his heart. He didn’t want to have to get up. He shook his head no.

A muttered curse, then someone lifted his head. It felt like it was pillowed on someone’s lap, then the voice again. “Can you open your mouth for me, Fee? You don’t have to get up yet, I just need you to open your mouth.”

Even that was too much effort. His lips were cracked and stuck together. Why didn’t this person leave him alone? He just wanted to sleep.

A wet finger traced along his bottom lip. On instinct, he licked away the droplet left there. The finger came again. His brow furrowed, and he licked his lips.

“Fee, come on, open your mouth a little,” the voice coaxed.

Still frowning, he did as the voice bade. Something cold pressed against his lips, and a few drops of water hit his tongue. He swallowed, and his body took over. His hand flew up and grabbed the cup pressed to his mouth and he started gulping the water as fast as he could.

Fingers carded through his hair, and the voice murmured encouragements to him. When the cup was empty he opened his eyes to see Kili looking down at him, smiling softly.

“More,” was all he could say. His voice cracked and he had to cough.

Shaking his head, Kili told him, “Keep that down for a few minutes first. If you drink too much right now it might make you sick.”

Turning his head, Fili saw that he was pillowed on Kili’s leg. Then he realized he could see, and a glance told him a fire was going in the fireplace. He could still feel the collar around his neck, though.

“You came back,” he whispered. He half expected this to be a dream, to wake up and still be in a dark cell, alone. He tried to sit up, but Kili pressed him back down.

“Of course I came back. I’m sorry I was gone for so long. I missed you, Fee,” Kili ran his hand through Fili’s hair.

“I missed you too,” he replied automatically, but it was true. He really had missed Kili. He had thought he was going to die here, abandoned and alone.

“Are you hungry?” Kili reached over and grabbed a small loaf of bread. He frowned when Fili reached for it, though. “You’re shaking. Here.” He tore off a morsel and offered it to Fili.

Fili opened his mouth, allowing Kili to feed him the bread. He didn’t like feeling so helpless, though. He reached for the bread again.

Kili pulled it away. “You’re too unsteady, Fee. You’ll drop it.” He tore off another morsel and fed it to Fili.

After he swallowed, Fili turned his head away. He was still thirsty. “Can I have more water now?”

“Poor Fee,” Kili cooed. “Of course. Let me get it.” He eased out from under Fili’s head, rising and crossing the room.

Fili sat up. His head was swimming, and he stayed sitting on the floor. He watched as Kili filled the cup again and brought it back. Fili reached for it, but Kili didn’t let go, instead holding it to his mouth. His hands were still shaking badly, so he thought maybe he should be grateful for the assistance.

When the water was gone, Kili sat the cup to the side, offering Fili another bite of bread. Fili reached for it, and Kili pulled it away. “Open your mouth.”

“I can feed myself now, I think,” Fili said, reaching for the bread again.

“No. Open your mouth.”

Fili opened his mouth, and was rewarded with the bite of bread and a brilliant smile from Kili. After a few more bites, Fili started to feel sick. He was still dizzy and nauseous, and the feeling of helplessness was only making it worse. He refused any more food.

Kili got up and crossed to the fire. He stirred it a bit and added another log to the flames.

“Where are we?” Fili coughed again to clear his throat.

Not turning around, Kili told him, “We’re in a safe place.”

He drew his knees to his chest and watched Kili. “Can I have more water?”

Kili refilled the cup from the water skin by the door and brought it to him. Fili started to reach for it, but stopped when Kili pulled away. He allowed Kili to hold the cup to his mouth. Tentatively he reached up and lightly touched Kili’s hand as he drank. Kili smiled, and he guessed he was permitted to do that.

Kili stood and ran a hand through Fili’s hair, murmuring, “My golden Fee.”

Fili was shaking, but this time from a surge of anger. He clenched his hands, trying to still them. He hated this. He was sitting on the ground at Kili’s feet, chained to the wall, being pet like some kind of animal. He pressed his lips together, trying not to say anything, but he couldn’t help but pull away when Kili tried to play with his hair.

Of course, Kili had known Fili’s moods his entire life. After one glance at his face, Kili asked him, “Why are you mad?”

Instead of answering, he asked, “How long have I been in here?”

“No one is looking for us yet.” Kili turned away and went back to stand by the fire.

Rising to his feet, Fili asked, “Why won’t you answer my questions?”

“Isn’t that what you wanted to know?” Kili snapped back.

“No! I want to know if you really have the key for this!” Fili said, rattling the chain. His breath caught when Kili reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a key. When Kili dropped the key back into his pocket, he tore his eyes away with an effort. “How long are you going to keep me here? Why are you doing this?”

Kili didn’t answer. Instead he watched the fire, turning his back on Fili.

Quietly, trying to keep his voice neutral, Fili asked, “Will you please unlock the collar?”

“Sick of me already?” Kili’s voice was so full of venom that Fili took a step back. Spinning and advancing on the blond, Kili continued, “You just can’t wait to be rid of me, can you? You’re always running off with your friends, you don’t want your little brother tagging along.” He kept on until he was nose to nose with Fili, sneering. “Fine! If you don’t want to be around me, you don’t have to!” He spun, hair flying, and headed for the door.

“Kili, wait! I’m not sick of you!” Fili lunged after him and caught his wrist. Normally he was strong enough to hold Kili. Then again, normally he hadn’t been chained to a wall for days with no food or water. Kili easily broke his grip. “That’s not what I meant! Wait!”

Too late. The door slammed behind Kili, and a key turned in the lock. Fili was alone again.

He stood staring at the door, scared and bewildered.   He didn’t know how long he stayed like that before the thought came to him: Kili was unstable. In fact, Kili may have crossed that line into insanity. Chaining your brother to a wall and leaving him there was not the action of a healthy person.

Insane people were unpredictable. They could do anything. And Fili was completely at Kili’s mercy. While Kili might feel remorse later, that wouldn’t help Fili now.

Chilled, he turned away from the door. He sat on the mattress and pulled his knees up, hugging them. He tried very hard not to think about anything at all.

Taking a deep breath, Fili thought he should try to break the chain again while he could still see. First he tried to pry at the collar some more, but his fingers were sore from his previous attempts. He yanked at it, but only succeeded in giving himself a sore neck.

He went over the chain link by link. The fire was already starting to die down, so the light wasn’t very good. He didn’t find any weaknesses to exploit. He gave each one a tug anyway, to no avail.

Next he tried inspecting the wall. He tapped on it to see if there was a weakness around the loop that the chain was fastened around. That yielded nothing. The same was true when he looked over the loop and the lock.

Sitting down, he braced his feet against the wall, and tried yanking on the chain. All he managed to do was hurt his foot and bark his knuckles again. He was weaker than when he first tried this, so he didn’t know what he was expecting.

The fire was almost gone, but he could see that he sliced open the sole of his foot when he looked at it in the dying light. It wasn’t too bad, but the cut was deep enough to bleed. He didn’t even have anything to use as a bandage, unless he took off his pants. He was already cold, so he didn’t want to do that. For lack of alternatives, he hung his foot off the mattress and just let it bleed. It stopped quickly anyway.

He had no idea what he was going to do. He couldn’t get loose. Again, he was there with no food or water. As he watched, the last of the flames died, and he was left staring at the glowing embers of the fire.

If Kili came back… no. When. When Kili came back. He told himself that Kili wanted to talk to him. Kili would be back to talk. When Kili came back, they could talk. Kili could get whatever it was out of his system, and then he would let Fili go. They could go home and pretend this whole nightmare had never happened.

Kili’s sick, a small voice whispered in the back of his mind. People say the line of Durin is cursed, we have a strain of madness in our family. Now it is affecting Kili.

Shaking his head, he told himself that didn’t matter. If Kili was sick, they would get him well. Thorin struggled with dragon sickness before. It might not be cured, but it can be contained. They would help Kili and everything would be better.

The voice fell silent, but Fili could almost feel the doubt coming from it. Shaking his head, he wondered if Kili was the only one who was unwell, since he was starting to talk to himself. Not only talk, but he was having arguments with himself, at that.

He curled up on the mattress, cold again. He watched the embers, silently arguing with himself until he fell asleep.

 


	3. The Wretched

and in the end  
we still pretend  
the time we spend  
not knowing when  
you're finally free  
and you could be  
but it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to  
it didn't turn out quite the way that you wanted it

 

The smell of something cooking woke Fili up. He heard a noise, and for a moment he was irritated that someone had disturbed him. That went away when he remembered where he was. He opened his eyes, squinting when he turned and saw the fire. After being in darkness so long, it seemed too bright.

Kili was there, stirring something in a pot that sat by the fire. He moved the pot away from the heat a little, humming softly.

Fili started to sit up, but was hit with a wave of vertigo. Groaning, he put a hand to his head and lay back down.

“Fee?” Kili came and kneeled beside him. “Are you awake?” Fili nodded, and Kili brought him a cup of water. “I’m making a stew. It’s almost ready.”

Fili made another attempt to sit up. He got upright, but wobbled a bit. He was lightheaded and the room was spinning. He braced a hand on the floor, but that didn’t help much.

Kili sat down beside Fili, pulling the blond against him for support. He held the cup up for Fili to take a drink.

Weak and disoriented, Fili wound up leaning heavily into Kili. He didn’t want to, but he was trying not to fall over. He drained the cup and Kili set it aside.

“I owe you an apology,” Kili said, rubbing circles on Fili’s back. “I haven’t been taking very good care of you.”

Hope burst in Fili’s chest. Did this mean Kili had decided to stop this and let him go? He was afraid to ask. He didn’t know what expression was on his face, so he turned and hid against Kili’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Fee,” Kili murmured into his hair. Pulling Fili into a tight hug, Kili said, “I won’t leave you for so long again. I promise. Why don’t you relax until the stew’s ready, okay?”

“Can I have more water?” Fili sounded hoarse.

“Of course,” Kili said, getting up. He poured another cup of water and helped Fili drink that too. “How about I make some tea?”

Fili nodded and watched as Kili went to rummage in one of the packs leaning against the wall. He guessed those had been brought in while he was asleep. Looking around, it seemed like quite a few things had been brought into the room while he was asleep. The place was starting to look almost homey, making his heart sink.

Kili set a kettle by the fire to heat water. He gave the stew another stir, and set a loaf of bread out to warm up.

There were so many questions Fili wanted to ask, but he was afraid to make Kili angry. If he was left again with no food or water, he would be in trouble. As it was, he felt weak and dizzy. He couldn’t hold on to his track of thought and just wanted to lay back down. He tried to rub at his dry, burning eyes, and saw how badly his hands were shaking.

He found himself staring at Kili’s shirt pocket. Even if the key was in there, he wouldn’t be able to overpower Kili and get it. Not as weak as he was right now. He forced himself to quit staring but his eyes were drawn back again and again.

Kili poured a small amount of stew into a bowl, and brought it over along with more water. “I know you’re probably starving,” he told Fili, “but just eat a little right now. If you can keep that down, you can have some more in a while.”

Fili was still too unsteady, and Kili helped him eat. It was mostly broth, with a few bits of rabbit and diced potato and onion. It was the most exquisite thing he had ever eaten. Kili made him eat slowly so he wouldn’t make himself sick. Even so, between the stew and the water, Fili imagined that this must be how plants felt after a good rain. He could practically feel his body absorbing the liquid, becoming steadier.

Bringing him a mug of hot tea, Kili told him, “I have some water heated, too. Drink this then you can clean up a little. Tomorrow we’ll see about an actual bath, okay?”

Nodding, Fili held the mug close, luxuriating in the feeling of being warm and full. It felt heavenly. He took small sips until it was gone.

Pouring some hot water from a kettle into a bucket, Kili brought it over to Fili, along with a cloth. Fili washed his face then turned his foot so he could see where he had cut it. He wiped it clean and realized it was worse than he had thought. He decided it wasn’t bad enough to need stitching, at least.

He was startled when Kili suddenly grabbed his ankle in a harsh grip. “What did you do to your foot?”

Fili tried to pull away, but Kili just clamped down harder. “Nothing, I just cut it, that’s all.” He wiped the cloth over it again to hide it, hoping Kili would drop it.

Instead, Kili released his ankle and grabbed his wrist. Looking at his raw fingers, Kili asked, “You’ve been trying to get loose, haven’t you?”

Fili didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to anger Kili any more than he already was. He tried to pull back, but Kili had his wrist in such a tight grip that it was going to bruise.

Brows drawn low, nostrils flaring, Kili told him, “This stops now. You’re hurting yourself. You won’t do it again. Understand?”

Fili nodded, but that wasn’t good enough. Kili jerked him closer, biting out his words, “Do not test me on this, Fili. _You will stop._ If you don’t, I will shackle you so you can’t hurt yourself again. Do you understand me?”

“I understand,” Fili whispered. He was afraid of Kili when he was acting like this, but he was even more afraid of being left there alone again. “I’m sorry.”

The anger left Kili’s face like it had never been. Gentle now, he smoothed Fili’s hair back, telling him, “I just don’t like to see you hurt, Fee. That’s not why we’re here. Would you like more tea?”

“That would be nice, yes please.” Fili watched as Kili got up to get it with a placid smile. He quickly busied himself with the cloth again, looking down so Kili couldn’t see the look on his face. He was shaken by how quickly Kili’s moods changed.

Damp from the cloth, he shivered a bit. Kili noticed and handed him the mug, and went to get a blanket. He draped it over Fili’s shoulders, and sat down behind him. Rubbing his back, he said, “It’s nice being able to spend some time together. Isn’t it, Fee?”

Fili closed his eyes and nodded. He didn’t want to provoke Kili, but he had to say something. “I like being able to be with you, Kili, but I’m worried.”

Dropping his chin on Fili’s shoulder, Kili asked, “What are you worried about?”

Hands tightening on the mug until his knuckles turned white, Fili answered. “You. I’m worried about you. I don’t know if you are entirely well.”

“Don’t worry about me,” Kili sounded unconcerned. “I’m perfectly fine.”

Fili didn’t realize he was hunching his shoulders until Kili rubbed them briskly. He straightened up, but his hands were shaking again. Trying to hide his nervousness, he took a drink.

“Hey,” Kili scooted around until he was facing Fili. “Fee, honestly, I’m fine. We both are. Okay?”

Looking at his brother’s earnest face, into those wide amber eyes, Fili saw the little brother he was used to seeing. It gave him courage to shake his head and say, “No, Kili. I don’t think we are.”

Kili changed subtly. His little brother was gone, replaced by the dark eyed stranger that scared him. In a flat voice, Kili told him, “Then I will _make_ us fine. Okay?”

Huddling back into the blanket, Fili nodded helplessly.

Kili blinked and smiled. His brother was back again. “You’ll see, Fee. You and I together, we’re good. Let me get you some more tea.” Kili hopped up and plucked the mug from Fili’s hands.

Watching as Kili refilled his mug, Fili waited for him to sit back down. After taking the mug back, he asked Kili, “Why are we here?”

“I just wanted to be able to talk to you. That’s all.” Kili kept staring at the fire, not looking at him.

“Okay.” Fili studied Kili, not knowing if he should keep pressing the issue or not. He tried a mild, “What do you want to talk about?”

Still staring at the fire, Kili shrugged. It was so much like he used to do as a small dwarfling that Fili reached out and rubbed his shoulder, setting aside the tea. It reminded him that this was still his brother, regardless of everything.

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?” Fili wasn’t feigning concern. He still hoped they could work through whatever this was.

Kili shrugged again, dropping his head so his hair hid his face. He mumbled something and sniffled.

A little alarmed, Fili asked, “Are you crying?”

“I don’t want to make you hate me.” Kili looked up and yes, there were tears glittering on his lashes.

Fili gaped at him. He gestured around, saying “What do you think you can tell me that is so awful that I would hate you for saying it?”

Kili got a determined look and nodded. He leaned forward, fisted a hand into Fili’s hair, and kissed him.

Not expecting that, shocked, Fili flinched. It only made Kili kiss harder, tightening his hold in Fili’s hair. He pulled back a little when Fili made a noise. They stared at each other from inches away, both wide eyed. Fili couldn’t keep the expression of stunned surprise from his face, and Kili was holding his eyes wide so the tears gathered there wouldn’t fall. One spilled out and tracked down his face, and he released Fili’s hair and jerked away.

He was going to leave again, Fili knew it. His hand shot out, grabbing Kili’s arm. “Wait!” He knew his grip wasn’t strong enough to hold Kili. “Stay, please.”

Kili could have pulled away easily, but he froze. He stared at Fili’s hand on his arm. Fili could feel him trembling.

With no idea what to do, Fili asked, “How long? How long have you felt like this?”

“Always,” was Kili’s whispered reply. “As long as I can remember.” When Fili didn’t pull away, he looked up, hopeful. This time when he leaned in, he moved slowly.

Fili felt like his brain had shut down. All he could think was that he did not want to be left alone in the dark again. So when Kili kissed him, this time he kissed back. It was a light brush of lips before Kili pulled back.

With a soft smile, Kili told him, “I love you Fee,” and kissed him again.

Fili closed his eyes and tried not to think about the fact that he was kissing his little brother. The kiss grew more insistent until Kili lurched forward and wound up in his lap. He didn’t know what to do with his hands, so he lightly rested them on top of Kili’s thighs.

Kili was not having the same problem. He wrapped one arm around Fili’s neck, twining a hand into his hair. The other hand was running across Fili’s back. He pushed forward until Fili fell back. Pausing long enough to pull his shirt over his head and toss it aside, Kili followed him down, straddling him. They both made a sound when their bare chests pressed together, but Kili was too absorbed in kissing along Fili’s neck to realize the noise his brother had made wasn’t entirely happy.

“Touch me,” Kili demanded. He groaned when Fili ran his hands down his back. “I’ve wanted you for so long, Fee.”

Fili gasped when Kili rolled his hips down against him. He was trying to ignore how warm Kili felt against him, the soft skin under his hands, the wet tongue swiping at his neck. Despite his best efforts, he was half hard.

Grabbing Fili’s wrist, Kili guided his hand, demanding again, “Touch me!” He sucked in a breath when he pressed Fili’s hand against his erection. He sat up, quickly unfastening his pants. When he had them open enough, he pulled out his cock and squeezed Fili’s hand around it. Wrapping his own hand around Fili’s he started stroking himself. He watched, increasing the pace, saying, “Mahal, Fee, that is so damned hot.”

Fili watched too, because there was no denying that Kili was attractive, and watching the muscles in his stomach bunch and stretch as he moved against their joined hands was almost hypnotic. When Kili rocked back, grinding his hips down, Fili made a noise and bit his lip. Gripping harder, Kili came across Fili’s stomach and their joined hands. When it became too much, he pulled Fili’s hand away.

“You have no idea how often I’ve imagined this,” Kili told him, looking down at the streaks he left across Fili’s stomach. He trailed a finger through the cooling liquid, making Fili shiver. He smiled and said, “It’s better than I thought.” He got up, tucking himself back into his pants but leaving them unfastened, and went to get the cloth Fili had used earlier. It had grown cold, so when Kili trailed it across his stomach to clean him, he shivered again. With a little laugh, Kili cleaned off their hands and tossed the rag aside. Bending down, Kili murmured, “Your turn,” against Fili’s lips and kissed him.

Fili pulled away after a quick kiss, saying, “That's okay, Kili. You don’t have to. Why don’t we get some rest?”

“Are you sure?” Kili asked, running a hand lightly over Fili’s hard cock.

“I’m sure,” Fili told him with a smile, catching the hand and raising it to his mouth for a kiss pressed into the palm. “Why don’t you come lay down with me?”

Kili lay down beside him, resting against his chest. Fili pulled the blanket over them both, wrapping his arms around his brother.

With a happy sigh, Kili said, “I love you, Fili.”

“I love you too, Kili,” Fili answered. He kept the smile on his face until Kili’s breathing evened out. Then he stayed there, staring blankly at the ceiling until he was certain Kili was asleep. Trying not to jostle Kili, he craned his neck to look at the shirt the brunet had carelessly tossed aside earlier. Careless toss or not, it was out of range. He wouldn’t be able to reach it, or the key in the pocket.

Laying his head back down, Fili took a deep breath. He had just given his little brother a hand job. That was a stain he wouldn’t be able to wash away. How had things gotten so badly broken? How had he not noticed any of this before? He felt like he had somehow failed. There had to be a way to fix this.

He stared unseeing, clutching Kili to him, until he fell asleep.

 

 


	4. Various Methods of Escape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a friendly reminder to read the tags. This story isn't going to be for everyone, and has dark moments.

An eye for chasing wonders to behold  
Statements so profound  
A place to bury everything I did  
And burn it to the ground  
A fire illuminates the final scene  
The past repeats itself  
I cannot tell the difference anymore  
I cannot trust myself  
I've gotta let go  
I've gotta get straight  
Why'd you have to make it so hard  
Let me get away

 

Finally, Fili was alone, and he could take care of his little problem. He had been half hard all night and it was driving him insane. He lay down on his back, cocking a knee up and sliding an arm behind his head. He closed his eyes, laying a hand on his stomach. He felt his breath make the taut flesh rise and fall for a moment, then slid his hand down. When he brushed it across the erection still in his trousers, he exhaled.

The feeling reminded him of last night. Kili’s hand lightly brushing across him, just like that. He did it again, a little harder. He hummed, and quickly undid the laces confining him, freeing his swollen cock with a sigh. Gripping himself, he started to slowly move his hand, pausing to reach down and cup his balls.

Last night wouldn’t leave his mind. He thought of Kili, and how it felt to have his hand on him. The grip was tighter, like this. The movement was faster, like that. He threw his head back, biting his bottom lip. He thought of the way Kili’s muscles had shifted in the firelight.

Wondering if his own would do the same, he lifted his head and opened his eyes as he rolled his hips up. He gasped, startled when he saw Kili curled up next to him.

With a smile, Kili told him, “I was wondering how far I could get before you woke up. Good morning.”

His pants were open and his cock was out, but it wasn’t his own hand working over it. He had been dreaming. It was Kili’s hand on him now, Kili’s hand that twisted just so, and had him gasping again.

“What? Kili…” Fili said, reaching down and grabbing his brother’s wrist to stop him.

Kili was unfazed. He wound himself tighter against Fili’s side, throwing a leg over him. Using his free hand to grab Fili’s wrist, he effectively pinned him down. The only hand Fili had free was trapped, clutching at Kili’s back.

“Kili, stop. Wait a second,” Fili tried again. Kili did something with his wrist that made Fili arch against him, though.

“Fee, relax. I just want to make you feel good,” Kili soothed, not stopping at all. He avidly watched Fili’s reactions to everything he was doing.

Fili closed his eyes, fighting his body, not wanting to encourage Kili. He couldn’t stop it, though. He bit his lip, trying to stay quiet, but couldn’t help it when he whined as Kili ran his thumb across the slit. He turned his head away, but Kili nibbled at his neck. Soon he was sweating, his muscles locked, trying to hold back. He was chewing his own lips red to keep from making noise.

Kili’s hand clamped down hard on his wrist, grinding the small bones there together. Murmuring into Fili’s ear, he commanded, “Come for me, Fee.”

The pain was enough of a distraction that Fili couldn’t restrain himself any longer. With a choked sound, he bucked his hips and came all over Kili’s hand and his own stomach. Kili kept stroking him, telling him he was beautiful, saying he was a good boy, until it became too much and Fili whimpered. He stopped, but kept Fili pinned down.

Fili opened his eyes and watched as Kili ran a finger through the seed on his stomach. His insides did a funny lurch when Kili popped the finger into his mouth, licking it clean. Kili glanced up, catching him watching. He looked away, but not before he saw the smile spread across Kili’s face.

Nuzzling against Fili’s neck, Kili said, “I didn’t figure you for that type.”

Without turning back, Fili asked, “What type is that?”

“The type that likes to be held down and hurt.”

Looking at Kili, Fili told him, “I’m not.”

Kili tightened his grip on Fili’s wrist again. Fili gasped and felt his cock twitch. Clearly disbelieving, Kili said, “Uh huh. Sure.”

“I’m not!” Fili insisted.

“Whatever you say,” Kili told him with a shrug, releasing him and rolling away. “Regardless, you really do need a bath now.” He grabbed the used cloth from last night, and dipped it in the bucket of cold water. After wringing it out, he tossed it to Fili.

Catching it, Fili sat up and wiped at his stomach, hissing at the cold. “Are you going to fetch me one, then?” He couldn’t entirely keep the sarcasm out of his tone.

“I could, but I don’t feel like it right now. We could go to the river.”

Fili’s mouth ran dry, and his head whipped up so fast he slapped himself in the face with a braid.

Smiling at the reaction, Kili went on, “But we would come back here after. Both of us. Understand?”

Nodding, Fili felt like he could hardly breathe. “Could I have a drink, please?”

“Sure,” Kili said. As he poured, he said, “We’ll have something to eat after we get clean. Okay?”

Nodding again, Fili took the offered mug. He frowned when he saw it half full of wine. “Could I have water instead?”

“Of course. Drink that first, though.” Kili smiled when Fili kept frowning at the wine. “I need the mug to get the water, silly.”

Fili tossed back the wine, handing the mug back to Kili. When it had been refilled with water, he took it and sat against the wall, watching Kili gather things from the packs for their bath. When there was a small pile of fresh clothes, towels, and a bar of soap, Kili grabbed his discarded shirt from last night and got the key. He came over to Fili, gesturing for the blond to stand up.

Setting aside the mug, Fili stood, lifting his chin and holding his breath. He stood like that as Kili unlocked the collar, carefully pulling it away so it didn’t tug on Fili’s hair.

“Better?” Kili asked when the collar was off, held out at his side. He gave Fili a smile.

Fili’s fist flew, catching Kili’s jaw, making him stumble back. Fili snatched the collar out of his hand, shoving him back again. When Kili caught himself against the wall, Fili snapped the collar around his neck, locking it in place. Kili lunged after him, but he managed to dance out of the way, darting back until he was out of reach.

Frozen, Fili stared wide eyed at Kili, watching him dab at his lip. He was free. And he had locked up Kili. He couldn’t believe it.

After looking at his fingers to see if he was bleeding, Kili looked up at Fili. He sighed, as if disappointed. “Come here, Fee.”

Shaking his head no, Fili took a step back.

“I’m not mad, I swear. Come here.” Kili beckoned him.

“I’m going to go get help,” Fili finally found his voice. “I love you, you’re my brother, but I think you’re sick. I’m not leaving you here, I swear. I’ll bring back help.”

“You didn’t think this through.” There was no uncertainty in Kili’s tone. “I’m not sick. I’ve only been doing want you want.”

“What?” Fili couldn’t make sense of what Kili was saying.

“I’ve been giving you what you want. What you’ve always wanted. You think I didn’t know?” Kili asked.

“What are you talking about?”

“I saw the looks you gave me. Then the touches, so seemingly innocent at first. And then you wanted me to touch you too.” Kili looked at him as if he might cry. “I’ve tried to do everything you want. You’re my big brother, Fee, all I’ve ever wanted was to make you happy. Am I too old for you now? Is that it?”

Fili couldn’t breathe. He felt like someone had dropped something heavy on his head. A whisper was all he could manage when he said, “But… I never… That isn’t true.” He recalled his dream, though, and his face flamed. He had been dreaming about Kili touching him like that before he ever woke up. Maybe Kili wasn’t the only one sick here.

Still looking absolutely pitiful, Kili told him, “When they find me chained up here, left in the dark, when I tell them how you beat me and raped me, who do you think they will believe?”

Shaking his head, refusing to accept it, Fili was still whispering, “No. Thorin, Dwalin, Ma, they will believe me. They’ve seen us, known us our whole lives. They’ll know the truth!”

Dropping the whipped puppy look, Kili asked, “Will they? Are you sure? Even if they do believe you without a doubt, word will get out. Then what? Not everyone will think you innocent. Even the ones who are inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt won’t want you around their children. You won’t be considered fit to rule. Of course, I will have been corrupted by you, so I won’t be fit either. Who will get the throne then, when Thorin dies? You’ve paid more attention to that stuff than I have.”

“Dain. It goes to Dain if one of us doesn’t take the crown.”

“Ugh. See, Fee? We don’t want Dain in charge. So come here, and we will forget this happened, okay?”

That hardened Fili’s resolve again. Taking a step away, he said, “No, Kili. You’re sick. I’m going to bring back help.” He turned away and headed to the door. He pushed at it and stopped, stunned when it wouldn’t open.

“You really didn’t think this through at all, did you?” Kili mocked.

No, he hadn’t thought at all. How had he forgotten about hearing the door being locked? And the key? He turned to see Kili holding it up. He watched as Kili stuck it back in his pocket, then bent to retrieve the collar key from the floor where it had fallen. He panicked and flung himself at the door, trying to break it.

“Fee, I’m not mad, but if you hurt yourself I will be,” Kili warned from behind him. “Stop it.”

Fili slammed his shoulder into the door again. This time he was hit by a sudden wave of fatigue that made him stagger. He leaned against the door, shaking his head to try and clear it.

“Didn’t you wonder how you got here in the first place?” Kili’s voice was closer now.

He spun and saw Kili had freed himself from the collar. His head kept spinning, making him dizzy as Kili took a step closer.

“No? Well, you never had much of a head for wine, I guess.” Kili looked pointedly at the forgotten mug, now with water in it.

Unable to think, Fili wiped a shaking hand across his eyes, trying to clear his vision. “You drugged me?”

“Maybe a little.” Kili laughed at the look on Fili’s face. “Don’t look so appalled, Fee. It will wear off in a little bit. You just need a nap.”

Fili knew he was smaller than Kili. They teased each other enough about it. But now was the first time he felt smaller. He cringed against the door when Kili walked up to him, looming over him. Kili leaned close, and Fili tried to push him away. Kili just caught his hands, pressing them against the door and pinning him in place.

“No, please,” Fili pleaded, hanging his head. He had never felt so defeated. He was getting dizzier, and felt so helpless. He was weak, weak and stupid. He cowered when Kili nuzzled his hair.

“Shh, Fee, it’s okay,” Kili told him as he released his hands, catching him around the waist. “I told you I wasn’t mad. I meant it.” He tugged Fili forward, hugging him close. “It’s my fault, really. I gave you the chance and you took it. I can’t blame you.” He leaned back a little, trying to see Fili’s face. “But I can’t trust you, either.”

Fili’s head whipped up, terrified again, making him stagger as the room spun around. He tried to shrink back against the door, but Kili grabbed his arm and started dragging him back to the wall with the collar on it. He was shaking his head, but didn’t realize he was speaking until he heard his own voice begging, “No, please, don’t leave me here again, please!”

Kili pulled him over, lowering him to the mattress and sitting on him, straddling his chest. Fili fought, shoving at him and swinging fists until Kili pinned down his arms by kneeling on them. Still he struggled, trying to throw Kili off, worm out from under him, anything. He kept fighting until he felt the collar go on, heard the lock click into place. Then he went limp, trying to catch his breath.

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Kili told him, climbing off to sit beside him. “I told you I’d take better care of you, and I mean it. I mean everything I say to you, Fee.”

Fili rolled away from him, curling up on his side. He felt sick, and he was cold. He shivered, and Kili covered him with the blanket. He felt Kili lay down and wrap around him, spooning him from behind.

“Why don’t you rest for now, Fee?” Kili murmured into his ear, snuggling closer. “I know you must be tired. When you wake up we’ll have lunch, okay? I love you.”

Fili wordlessly nodded. He gladly fell into the dark when it came for him. Kili’s caresses and whispers of love chased him down.

 


	5. I Do Not Want This

I'm losing ground  
you know how this world can beat you down  
I'm made of clay  
I fear I'm the only one who thinks this way  
I'm always falling down the same hill  
bamboo puncturing this skin  
and nothing comes bleeding out of me just like a waterfall I'm drowning in  
2 feet below the surface I can still make out your wavy face  
and if I could just reach you maybe I could leave this place  
I do not want this

“Fili, wake up,” a voice said. Someone pulled down the blanket.

With a grunt, Fili grabbed the blanket and pulled it back up, burrowing under the covers.

Another tug on the blanket made him a little more awake. The voice came again. “Wake up, Fee.”

He cracked open an eyelid and saw Kili leaning over him. “No.” He tried pulling the blanket over his head, but Kili was on it. He settled for sticking his face down, trying to hide from the light.

“Your bath will get cold,” Kili cajoled. “You can get clean. Then we will have lunch. Aren’t you hungry?”

Giving up on trying to sleep more, Fili groused, “I’m not a dwarfling, Kili. Quit talking to me like that.”

“Aw, poor wittle Fee! Are his wittle feelings hurt?” Kili nuzzled against the top of his head, making cooing noises.

“Ugh, get off me, you ox!” Fili pushed at him halfheartedly. He noticed Kili’s hair was damp. “Did you say something about a bath? And food?”

“Yep. Both are awaiting his majesty’s pleasure,” Kili grinned at him. “Bath first though. You stink.”

Fili rubbed his face. “I bet. Hey, no more of that wine, okay? It gives me a headache.”

“Sorry about that, Fee.”

Fili noticed that Kili didn’t say he wouldn’t have to drink it any more. He decided not to press the matter. Stretching, he stuck his arms over his head. When his hand hit something that clanged, he looked to see what it was. He froze when he saw the shackles. A latch on the wall held a short iron chain. Two iron cuffs dangled from it, resting on the floor. He slowly pulled his arms down, tucking them tight to his chest.

“Hey, don’t worry about those,” Kili told him. “I just wanted to make sure you didn’t try to knock my teeth out again when you woke up or something.”

He wasn’t fooled by Kili’s casual tone. One look told Fili that those shackles were a threat. A chill went down his spine, making him break out in gooseflesh and shiver. He nodded, but couldn’t stop a hand from creeping to his neck, feeling the collar there.

“Come on, let’s get you up and clean,” Kili told him, catching his hand and pulling him upright.

Once Fili was sitting up, he started taking his braids out. Kili helped, collecting the beads. Fili was still feeling muzzy from the wine, so he willingly let Kili take them, not wanting to lose any. When his hair was loose, he padded over to the half barrel that was serving as a tub. He kicked off his pants and stepped in. It was a bit of a squeeze, but he drew his legs up and was able to lean back a bit. He closed his eyes with a sigh, relaxing and enjoying the warmth. It startled him when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

Kili traced an outline on the back of his arm, murmuring, “You have a bruise. Probably from the door.” He leaned over and dropped a kiss on Fili’s shoulder. “I told you not to hurt yourself.”

Fili flinched and hunched over. He hadn’t even thought about getting undressed until now. After all, Kili had seen him naked hundreds of times before. Now it made him feel vulnerable. He glanced at Kili, wondering if he was going to say anything more about the bruise.

Thankfully Kili didn’t seem angry. He leaned over, scooping up a handful of water, letting it drip across Fili’s back. He reached over, grabbing a mug, draining it. He dipped it in the water and poured it over Fili’s head. “I’ll help you wash your hair.”

Grabbing the soap, Fili said, “I can do it, that’s okay.”

“I want to help,” Kili held his hand out, waiting for the soap.

Seeing no other option, Fili handed over the bar. Kili gave him a bright smile and started scrubbing his hair.

Fili closed his eyes, waiting for Kili to finish. It made it feel like the room was slowly spinning, though. He opened one, saying, “I’m still dizzy.”

“You didn’t sleep very long. It’s probably the wine.” Kili was done with his hair, but moved on to wash his back. When that was done, he started washing Fili’s chest.

Closing both eyes again, Fili tried not to tense up. He realized he wasn’t doing a very good job when Kili ran a soapy hand down his arm to his balled fist. His efforts to relax were useless when Kili washed down his stomach, running a hand between his legs. The hand remained businesslike, though, getting him clean from head to toe before pouring water across to rinse him off.

Kili took his dirty trousers and tossed them toward a small pile by the door. He got a towel, and held it out to Fili.

When Fili stood to take it, the room gave a lurch. He tripped on the edge of the tub, and almost fell. Kili caught him, though, and helped him upright. Fili was shivering as he dried off, cold again, so Kili wrapped him up in the blanket and got him seated on the mattress. Kili pulled a comb out of his pocket, handing it to Fili.

The room was still slowly spinning and Fili felt sick. He was cold and thirsty, not to mention tired again. Now he was trying to comb his hair, and it wasn’t cooperating. It was all tangled, and kept snarling in the comb. He jerked at his hair with a muttered curse.

Kili looked up from where he was rummaging in a pack, saying, “Not like that, Fee. You’re going to rip your hair out.”

“I know how to comb my hair, Kili.” He winced when he jerked on the comb again.

“Apparently not,” Kili said, walking over and sitting down. “Here, let me help.”

“I can do it myself.”

Kili leaned against him and ran a hand down his arm. “I want to help.”

That was the final straw. Fili jerked away from Kili, snapping, “Do you have to keep touching me all the damn time?”

“No, I don’t.” Kili looked hurt when he scooted to the other side of the mattress, away from Fili.

Giving up on combing his hair, Fili huddled down into the blanket. He hadn’t meant to be short with Kili. He felt horrible and wanted to go home. He wanted to wake up and find that this had all been a bad dream.

“Can I have a drink, please?” Fili tried to keep his voice pleasant.

“In a minute.” Kili was terse.

Fili’s heart sank. He had been trying to keep Kili from getting angry. Snapping at him wasn’t the way to go. Fili reminded himself that just because Kili said he wasn’t leaving doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t get mad and go anyway. He was watching Kili from the corner of his eye, but Kili just kept staring at the fire.

He shivered again, this time from anxiety. Thinking was still difficult from whatever was in that wine. The room was still spinning. He thought of how he used to rock Kili to make him feel better when he was small. Wrapping the blanket tight around his shoulders, he crawled across the mattress to Kili.

“I said in a minute,” Kili told him.

Ignoring the words, Fili climbed into Kili’s lap and curled up.

“I thought you didn’t want me to touch you.” Kili leaned back to look at Fili’s face.

Fili stayed curled up. As bad as he felt, he felt sorry for Kili too. What had life been like recently for his brother, to make him so desperate that this looked like a solution to his problems? He couldn’t imagine it. He felt worse, thinking that Kili had been right there in front of him the entire time, and he never realized anything was wrong. It was too much to handle right now. For the first time since this mess had started, he pressed his forehead against his knees and started to cry.

“Fee?” Kili shifted around. “Come here, Fee. I’m sorry, okay?” Kili maneuvered them both around until Fili was against his chest, wrapped up in the blanket. Holding Fili close, he started to rock a little, murmuring nonsense.

Of course it was nonsense. Nothing was going to be all right. It was not going to work out. Fili wanted to say so, but he was too upset. He forgot he was naked under the blanket until he felt Kili’s warm hand glide across his back. He stiffened, curling up even tighter.

Kili didn’t react, except to keep rubbing across Fili’s back, still murmuring comforting nonsense.

Slowly, Fili started to relax. His sobbing tapered off into watery sniffles. He tried to ignore how nice Kili’s hand felt as it travelled from his shoulder to hip and back up again. He snuggled closer to Kili’s chest, burying his face under brunet hair. He was almost dozing when he thought that Kili smelled nice, the skin under his cheek smooth and inviting.

Fili’s stomach chose to loudly protest that he hadn’t had anything to eat yet. He sighed as Kili’s laughter rumbled under his ear.

“Why don’t I get you something?” Kili pecked Fili’s forehead, urging him to scoot off his lap.

Fili readjusted the blanket around him when he sat on the mattress. He was hungry, but he missed Kili’s warmth. He watched his brother set the kettle by the fire to heat and dug through their packs. Idly, he wondered how the food supply was holding out. They were supposed to be augmenting their supplies with hunting or trading with one of the tiny villages around. Deciding that wasn’t his problem, he let the train of thought go.

Dinner was toast covered with melted slices of hard yellow cheese and hot tea. Fili ate some, but felt like he couldn’t get enough to drink. Kili ended up having to make another pot of tea, and most of that was gone before Fili felt satisfied.

Drowsy, full and warm, Fili attempted to comb his hair again. After struggling with it for a while, he was frustrated again.

Trying to make amends for being curt earlier, Fili asked, “Would you comb my hair please? I can’t get the tangles out.”

“Are you sure?” When Fili nodded, Kili smiled and came to sit behind him. Starting at the bottom, he worked at Fili’s hair, trying to get it untangled without pulling it. After combing in silence for a few minutes, Kili told him, “I’m sorry if I’m making you feel crowded.” A small laugh, and he said, “I guess I thought I’d never have the chance to touch you like this.” He dropped a kiss on top of Fili’s head, and kept combing.

Fili realized he was hunching over again and sat up straight. “You touch me all the time, Kili.”

“Yeah, but now you know how I feel about you.” Kili got the tangles out and ran the comb through Fili’s hair, separating a section to braid. “Not only do you not hate me, but you touch me too.”

_Touch me_ echoed in Fili’s mind with an image of Kili above him, he feel of Kili against him. He bit his lip.

Kili finished with Fili’s braids and beads. Fili didn’t bother to check and see if they were even. Kili did his hair often enough to know how.

Kili rose and went to put the comb away in one of the packs. He dug around in the packs until he found a length of twine. Cutting off a section, he took the keys from his pockets and threaded the twine through them, tying it off to make a loop. He took the loop and hung it on a latch by the door.

Coming back to sit by Fili, he saw the blond watching him. With a smile, he explained, “So they don’t get lost or something.”

Fili returned the smile and nodded. He imagined the ‘something’ was him. Kili didn’t want him to get the keys. He sat, staring into the fire as Kili rubbed circles on his back. It was still hard to think. He felt better since eating, but he was still dizzy, too. He sighed.

“What do you want from all this, Kili?” Fili didn’t look away from the fire.

Kili leaned over and kissed his shoulder. “I’d be happy if you loved me,” he said, leaning his forehead against Fili.

Not knowing what to say to that, Fili told him, “I think I need to lie down.”

After they lay down and got situated, Fili was on his side with Kili spooning against his back. He found himself staring at the keys hanging on the wall. He wished he had thought it through before attacking Kili. He hadn’t, and now he had lost Kili’s trust, the keys were out of reach, and he had no idea how he might get loose.

He fell asleep watching the keys glint dully in the flickering firelight with Kili’s arm wrapped possessively around his waist.


	6. Terrible Lie

You make me throw it all away.  
My morals left to decay.  
How many you betray?  
You've taken everything.  
My head is filled with disease.  
My skin is begging you, please.  
I'm on my hands and knees.  
I want so much to believe.

Kili had been pouting since Fili had gotten home from his lessons. That wasn’t anything unusual, since Kili was still too young to tag along or join in. This time, however, he was refusing to talk to Fili at all.

Kili sat silently during dinner, only picking at his food. When Fili tried to talk to him, the only response he would give was a shrug. He wouldn’t even answer Dis, merely nodding his head when she asked if he was through eating. Once excused, he went to the room he shared with Fili and slammed the door behind him.

“Give him a little time to cool off,” Dis advised her oldest son. So he worked on his papers at the table instead of at the desk in their room. Still, Kili stayed shut in and silent.

When it was time to go to bed, Fili quietly opened the door to see that Kili was already in his bed, a lump under the covers. Fili changed into his pajamas, and sat on the edge of his bed, watching Kili for a moment. Enough was enough, he decided.

“Kili?” he whispered. No response, but Fili saw the Kili-lump move. He went and sat on the edge of Kili’s bed, saying, “I know you’re awake. What’s wrong?”

“Go ‘way!” Kili sounded as if he had been crying. “I hate you!”

“What?” Fili was hurt by the declaration. There had been anger and tears before, but not that. “Why do you hate me? What did I do?”

Flinging the blankets back, Kili sat up and grabbed Fili’s wrist. He pointed to the woven bracelet, claiming, “This!”

Bewildered, Fili told him, “It’s just a friendship bracelet. It’s nothing but a few scraps of yarn.”

“I know! But I thought I was your best friend!” Kili’s bottom lip started to quiver, and his eyes filled with tears.

“Oh, Kee, this is nothing, I swear! See?” Fili hooked a finger under the bracelet, breaking it and throwing it away. “It’s gone. You’re something more important to me than a friend, Kili. You’re my brother.”

Tears spilled over as Kili whispered, “But I wanna be your friend too.”

“You are my friend,” Fili said, giving him a hug. “You’re the best friend I could ever ask for.” He held Kili close, rocking him slightly, until the dwarfling had fallen asleep.

The next morning, Fili was gone already when Kili woke up. Still put out a little by yesterday, he refused to even ask where Fili might be.

At the end of the day, Fili came home and washed up. Before Dis called them to the table for dinner, he held out something wadded in a handkerchief to Kili. “This is for you.”

Kili opened it, and found a bracelet. It looked like the friendship bracelet Fili had worn yesterday, only this was not made of yarn. It was woven from strands of different types of metals, the colors making a design. The wires were uneven in places, and the design wasn’t exactly the geometric pattern it was intended to be, but Kili didn’t notice.

Fili took it from him, and fastened it around his slender wrist. “I made it for you because you are my best friend, but you’re also my brother. Remember how I broke the yarn?” Kili nodded, so Fili explained, “This won’t break because it’s metal. Just like we won’t break, Kee. You and me, we’re brothers. No matter what, nothing is going to be able to break that. So the next time you think you aren’t important to me, you can look at that bracelet and remember. Okay?”

With a huge grin, Kili flung himself at Fili, hugging him tight. “Okay! Thank you!”

Fili hugged him back. “You’re my brother. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what, forever.”

With another tight squeeze, Kili agreed, “Forever!” Then he ran off laughing to show off his new bracelet to their mother.

Fili was still smiling when he opened his eyes. He saw Kili tending the fire and cooking something. He watched silently. He thought about the memory he had dreamed. Kili had worn that bracelet every day until he grew out of it. Then he had straightened out the cuff and wrapped leather around it, making it into a larger bracelet. One day it had caught on his bowstring, fouling his shot. Since then he quit wearing it constantly, but wore it often. It was sitting in a small chest back home. Fili was a little embarrassed since the bracelet was obviously created by a dwarfling, but he let it go. It was just another one of Kili’s charming quirks.

Was that the start of this? Kili had always been possessive of him and his attention. If he had scoffed and brushed him aside, would they be in this situation? Fili knew there was no way to tell and no point in dwelling on the past. He knew that no matter what he had done, he couldn’t go back and fix it. He couldn’t stop his mind from circling around it, though.

He had meant it when he said he would always be there for him. And Kili needed him now, maybe more than ever. He needed to find a way to convince his brother to let him go, so they could both go home. Then he could find Kili the help that he needs. The problem was that he had no idea how to do that without angering him. When he thought about being left alone again with no food or water, Fili shivered and pulled the blanket up around him.

Kili saw the movement and glanced over. “Good morning,” he said with a smile. “Breakfast is ready.”

Fili returned the smile, but it fell as soon as Kili turned away. He watched as Kili ladled something into a bowl and brought it to him. Taking the bowl, he saw it was a small helping of porridge.

“You haven’t been eating enough, Fee,” Kili said. “Finish all that and I have a surprise for you.”

Fili cocked an eyebrow at that. “A surprise? What is it?”

“After.” Kili pointed at Fili’s bowl, and started to eat his own porridge.

Stirring the porridge around, Fili wished for some honey. Letting it get cold wouldn’t make it any better, so with a sigh, Fili ate. He must have been hungrier than he realized, because he finished the bowl. He took a mug of tea when Kili offered. The food had made his headache abate a bit, and he felt steadier.

Kili sat down in front of him, holding one hand behind his back. “Want your surprise now?”

Fili’s throat felt tight. Kili was grinning at him, eyes twinkling, the way he always had. It made it too easy to forget where they were. He nodded.

“Close your eyes, Fee.” When Fili frowned, he asked, “Don’t you trust me?” Mock pouting, he batted his lashes.

With a huff, Fili closed his eyes.

“Open your mouth.”

Fili opened one eye and said, “Why?”

“You’ll like it, I promise. Now close your eyes and open your mouth. And no peeking!”

Eyes closed again, Fili opened his mouth. He jumped a little when something was placed on his tongue. He closed his mouth, holding it there for a second before he bit it. A burst of sweet juice flooded his mouth, making him smile. He opened his eyes, amused at Kili’s expectant look. “A blackberry?”

With a laugh, Kili nodded and pulled his hand from behind his back. He was holding more berries wrapped in a kerchief. “I found a bush when I went to get water this morning. I grabbed the ripe ones. There will be a lot more in a day or two. I know you have a sweet tooth.”

Kili held another berry up. When Fili reached for it, he pulled away and told him, “Open your mouth.”

Fili obeyed and was rewarded with another berry. When Kili raised his arm, he could see the paler stripe around his wrist where he normally wore the bracelet Fili had dreamed about. It reminded him again of his promise to always be there for his brother. He stared at Kili’s wrist as he chewed. What would he give for Kili to be happy and healthy? Anything.

When he looked up, Kili offered him another berry. He opened his mouth, allowing Kili to feed it to him. When he licked his lips he saw Kili mirror the gesture. Kili held another berry up, and Fili asked him, “Aren’t you having any?”

“These are for you,” Kili’s voice was husky. He held up another one and Fili opened his mouth. This time Kili teased him, rubbing the berry across his bottom lip before feeding it to him.

Fili licked the juice from his lip and rolled it under, biting it. He was aware of Kili watching him. He dropped his eyes, seeing there were only a few left. “Are you sure? They are really good.”

“Are they?” Kili asked absently. He pushed another berry into Fili’s mouth, rubbing his thumb across Fili’s lips.

Nodding, Fili chewed as he watched Kili’s eyes darken.

Kili popped a berry into his own mouth. After he swallowed, he said, “They are good. Maybe when more of them ripen we can make a cobbler.” He licked his lips.

Fili caught himself copying the gesture. He looked away when Kili smiled.

“One left,” Kili said, holding up the last berry. Fili opened his mouth. Kili crushed the berry a bit and trailed it across Fili’s lips, smearing the juice there before he slipped it into Fili’s mouth. He leaned forward and licked the juice from Fili’s mouth and kissed him.

Fili would do, give anything to see Kili happy and healthy. Right now all he had was himself. And Kili had gone out of his way to get the berries, and was being so nice. Fili closed his eyes and kissed him back.

The kiss was berry sweet and soft. Fili put every thought out of his mind, just concentrating on the kiss. Kili’s lips were a little chapped and his stubble was rough.

Kili pulled back and Fili slowly opened his eyes to see Kili giving him an awestruck look. “What?”

Shaking his head, Kili seemed at a loss for words. “Just… you.” He leaned forward again for another kiss.

This kiss was deeper, slow and lazy. Fili laid his hand against Kili’s chest, feeling the heartbeat speed up under his palm. _Touch me_ echoed in his mind and his hand clenched, tangling in Kili’s shirt.

Kili make a noise in his throat and the kiss turned urgent. He pressed forward, carding fingers through Fili’s hair. Fili brought his other hand up and lightly rested it at the nape of Kili’s neck, in the warmth there under the hair. Kili moaned at the contact, pushing forward more until Fili wound up on his back. When Kili nudged a knee between his legs, lying on top of him, it reminded Fili that he was still naked underneath the blanket.

Turning his head and breaking the kiss, Fili pushed lightly against Kili’s chest and said, “Kili?”

Kili was undeterred, nibbling on Fili’s ear. “Relax, okay? No one has to know. It’s just us here, so relax and enjoy it.” He lightly bit Fili’s earlobe.

Fili knew it would make Kili happy. And he was right, no one has to know. Kili felt so warm, his mouth wet and demanding on Fili’s neck, his hands smoothing down Fili’s ribs, rocking his hips and rutting against Fili. It felt good, and Fili wanted something that felt good. Something that didn’t make his head hurt, or make it hard to know what to do. Something he didn’t have to think about or worry over. Something he could relax and enjoy, even if it was only for a little while. He brought a hand up and wrapped it around the back of Kili’s neck.

Kili shifted until he was between Fili’s legs, resting in the cradle of his hips. Kili pulled the blanket away until there was nothing between them except his clothes. He hurried to yank the shirt over his head, as if even that was too much. Now it was only his trousers that separated them.

When Kili covered Fili’s body with his own, they both made a happy sound at the contact. Fili rolled his hips up, getting lost in the sensation. He pulled Kili to him for a kiss.

Fili didn’t want to have to think. He didn’t want to talk about anything right now. He wanted to close his eyes and let his body take over. He whispered, “Make me feel good, Kee, please?”

“ _Mahal,_ yes,” Kili moaned and kissed him so hard it was almost painful. His hand squeezed Fili’s hip hard.

It was exactly what Fili needed. He arched his back, feeling Kili’s skin against his. Running his hands down Kili’s side, he marveled at how sturdy and strong Kili felt. As Kili mouthed at his neck, Fili gasped and writhed under him.

With a last nibble on his earlobe, Kili sat back. He knelt between Fili’s legs and wrapped a hand around his erection. When he started to move his hand, Fili threw his head back and moaned.

“Fuck, Fee, you are the most erotic thing I’ve ever seen,” Kili breathed. He bent his head down and licked a stripe up the underside of Fili’s cock.

With a curse, Fili raised his head, watching as Kili slowly started to take him into his mouth. He leaned on his elbow, fisting a hand in Kili’s hair. He resisted the urge to thrust his hips up. When Kili swallowed, Fili gasped and laid back, mouth open and panting for air.

Kili jumped up and hurried over to his pack. Fili watched him dig around for a second before he found a small vial. Kili kicked his trousers off and away, then came back and knelt between Fili’s legs again. He opened the vial and poured a small amount of oil into his palm. Fili frowned for a moment, then closed his eyes and lay back again, cocking one knee up. He refused to think of the implications of Kili having a bottle of oil packed away.

Kili bent his head again, taking Fili back into his mouth. Fili closed his eyes, concentrating on the sensation. He was panting again when he felt Kili rub a finger lightly across his entrance as if asking permission. He let his leg fall to the side, making more room, and that was all Kili needed to press the finger into him slowly.

The first finger was joined by another. When those fingers rubbed across the sensitive spot inside him, he keened and bucked his hips. Kili gagged a little, not expecting it, but then wrapped his other hand around the base of Fili’s erection and rubbed that spot again. Fili fisted his hands in the blanket and rolled his hips up, into Kili’s mouth, and then back down, against the fingers inside him. A third finger was added, working him open.

Kili gently pulled his hands away and lifted his head. Fili whimpered, head thrown back and eyes squeezed shut. He felt Kili cover him with his body again, and rolled his hips, seeking friction. He stopped when he felt the blunt head of Kili’s cock press against his opening.

Instead of pushing forward, Kili held still, whispering, “Look at me, Fee.”

Without opening his eyes, Fili wrapped his legs around Kili’s waist, using pressure from his heels digging into Kili’s ass to try and pull him forward.

Kili tangled a hand into his hair and gave a sharp tug. When his eyes flew open in surprise, Kili told him, “Look at me.” He pushed forward slowly, watching Fili’s face.

Fili kept his eyes on Kili’s face until he was fully seated inside him. When Kili held still, giving his body time to adjust, Fili’s eyes fluttered closed and he moaned.

Pulling back just a little, Kili reached a hand between them and ran a finger around Fili’s rim. Fili shuddered at the sensation and Kili said, “You feel so good, it’s like you were made for me, brother.”

That one word slammed into Fili like a hammer. What was he doing? What had he been thinking, to have sex with his little brother? His hands came up to Kili’s shoulders and started to push him away. “Kili, we shouldn’t…”

Kili chose that moment to start to move. He thrust forward, and Fili arched his back with a gasp. He tried again, though, stammering out Kili’s name.

“Enjoy it, Fee. I love you,” Kili murmured and kissed him. He started rocking his hips and bit Fili’s lip.

Moaning, Fili closed his eyes again, trying to just concentrate on the feelings.

“Come for me, Fee,” Kili panted. “Wanna watch you fall apart.”

It was no use. It still felt good, but Fili couldn’t stop thinking that he was having sex with his brother, the little brother he had sworn to take care of, look after, and love. He opened his eyes to tell Kili to stop, but was cut short when Kili fisted a hand in his hair.

“I can almost hear you thinking too hard. Stop it,” Kili growled and jerked Fili’s head back. He slammed his hips forward, saying, “I told you to come for me. Now come!” He kept slamming into Fili, fucking him hard enough to rock him against the mattress.

He tried to say no, but the only sound that Fili could make was a high pitched whine. Kili rose up enough to take Fili’s cock into his hand and started stroking him in time with his thrusts. Kili’s hand working over him was the thing he needed to push him over the edge and make him come undone. With a cry, he came across Kili’s hand and his own stomach.

Kili didn’t stop. He kept going until it was too much, overwhelming Fili. Fili had tears in his eyes by the time Kili thrust one last time and froze. Fili could feel his cock pulsing inside of him, the heat of Kili’s release making him squirm.

Ignoring the fluids drying on Fili’s stomach, Kili pressed close to him once more. He dropped a kiss on Fili’s nose and wiped away a tear that had tracked its way down Fili’s temple to his hair. “That was…. I don’t even have words for what that was. You are incredible, Fee. It was unbelievable.” He got up and found a towel, bringing it back and wiping Fili then himself clean.

When Kili was done with him, Fili turned over on to his side. He was miserable. Kili cuddled up against his back, playing with his hair and covering them both with the blanket. He didn’t want to make Kili angry, but he couldn’t pretend this was all okay, either. “We can’t do that again, Kili.”

Far from being angry, Kili sounded unconcerned. “Why not? Didn’t you enjoy it?”

That was the problem. He had enjoyed it, too much. Rather than admit that, Fili answered the first question. “You’re my brother. My younger brother.”

“I’m also of age. I’m old enough to choose a mate, and I choose you.” He kissed Fili’s shoulder.

Trying again, Fili pointed out, “It’s against our laws.”

“Do you know it used to not be?” When Fili shook his head, Kili went on. “It’s a fairly recent law. It had to be passed because too many dwarves were choosing to mate with close relatives. Our people were becoming too inbred. Think about it,“ he mused as he ran a hand down Fili’s side, resting it on his hip, “not long ago Thorin might have been our father as well as our uncle.”

That was something Fili didn’t want to think about at all. “It’s still against the law now.”

Nuzzling the back of Fili’s neck, Kili murmured, “But you will be king. If Thorin doesn’t agree we can wait. Then you can reverse the law and we can be together openly.”

Frustrated, Fili asked, “And what about when I need an heir? What then?”

Kili’s fingers dug painfully into his hip. “Are you trying to tell me there is someone else? That you don’t want me?”

Scared again, Fili said, “No, I didn’t mean that.”

The hand on his hip relaxed, and Kili wrapped his arm around Fili’s waist. Spooning closer, he said, “Then we will worry about that when we have to. Things will work out in the end as long as we have each other. Right?”

All Fili could do was whisper, “Right.”


	7. The Only Time

Right now I'm so in love with you  
And I don't want to think too much about what we should or shouldn't do  
Lay my hands on heaven and the sun and the moon and the stars  
While the devil wants to fuck me in the back of his car  
Nothing quite like the feel of something new  
Maybe I'm all messed up  
Maybe I'm all messed up  
Maybe I'm all messed up in you

 

“Fili, wake up.” A hand gently shook his shoulder. He opened his eyes to see Kili leaning over him. “Good morning, sleepyhead.”

With a grunt, Fili rubbed at his face. He was still tired.

“I have a bath ready for you. Why don’t you get cleaned up while I fix some breakfast?” Kili gave him a peck on the cheek then went over to look through a pack.

Maybe a bath would wake him up a little. Fili had stayed awake last night, long after Kili had fallen asleep. He couldn’t relax, and he couldn’t get what he had done off his mind. Had he really had sex with his little brother?

He glanced down and saw the bruises on his hip where Kili had grabbed him. With a sigh, he took the braids out of his hair, setting aside the beads, and slipped into the tub. The warm water soothed his aching muscles, but made him feel drowsy.

By the time he finished bathing, Kili had a bowl of porridge ready for him. Fili wrapped up in the blanket and grimaced at it.

“I know it isn’t your favorite,” Kili told him. “I’m going to need to go hunting. We are starting to run low on food.”

Without looking up, Fili asked, “Are we going after the elk, then?”

“No. I’m going to see what I can find around here.”

Fili’s heart sank. He had hoped Kili was going to unchain him. Not only was he not being released, he was going to be left alone again. He pushed his bowl away.

“Is something wrong with it?” Kili asked.

“No, I’m just not very hungry.”

“You need to eat.” Kili pushed the bowl back to Fili.

He picked up the bowl, listlessly stirring the porridge around. “Could you hand me a clean pair of pants from my pack?”

“You don’t need any. Now eat.” Kili finished his own breakfast.

Fili took a few bites. He wasn’t hungry at all. He was tired and heartsick. He still had no idea how to make things right. Kili still didn’t trust him enough to take off the collar. How could he get any help for Kili if he couldn’t even get out of the collar? He pushed the bowl away again.

“Maybe I can find us something good. Is there anything in particular you want?” Kili asked.

Without thinking, Fili told him, “I want to go home and forget any of this ever happened.”

Kili had been acting so sweet and untroubled. Fili was overtaxed and exhausted. It made him careless. He didn’t think what effect his words might have.

Kili stood and threw his bowl across the room. Fili looked up in alarm when he heard the clatter.

“Forget this ever happened?” Kili’s voice was deadly.

“I don’t… I mean…” Fili stammered, unsure what to say. His heart was in his throat and he could hear the quaver in his own voice.

“Forget that I love you? Forget that I poured my heart out to you? Just walk away from me like I am nothing to you again?” Kili came closer with each question until he was standing over Fili, eyes dark and flashing.

Fighting the urge to edge away, Fili stared at him. He couldn’t think of anything to say. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?” Now Kili’s voice had turned syrupy sweet, but the look on his face was unchanged. “Do you want to go back home and go out with your friends again? Tell me, Fili, which one of them do you want?”

Starting to tremble, Fili said, “I’m not… I never…”

“No? Then is it one of the sluts at the tavern you always go to? Don’t try to deny it. I’ve seen you there. I’ve seen how you let them hang all over you, touching you every chance they get.”

Fili had a few trysts in the past. It was nothing serious for him or his partner. But it had been months since his last fling. Shaking his head, he said, “I can’t make them stop flirting, Kili. There’s no one now.”

“Don’t lie to me!” Kili snapped at him.

Fili’s nerve broke. He flung the blanket aside and scrambled away. Of course, there was nowhere to go. He barely started to move before he found himself flat on his stomach, Kili’s weight on his back, pinning him to the ground.

“You’re mine, Fee,” Kili said in an almost conversational tone. Fili could hear the anger lacing the words, though.

“Please, Kili,” Fili said, not even knowing what he was asking for, but a hand pressed against the side of his face. He swallowed hard.

“Don’t move.” Kili pressed harder on the side of Fili’s face, pushing his head down against the mattress.

The weight was gone from Fili’s back, but he stayed where he was. A small part of his mind wondered if this was how a rabbit might feel when a wolf was nearby: heart pounding rapidly in his throat, breath coming in quick gasps, mouth dry.

Kicking his legs apart, Kili knelt between them. When Fili felt a hand rub across the small of his back, he jerked away. He pushed his hands against the floor, trying to rise.

“I told you not to move,” Kili said. He reached up and grabbed one of Fili’s wrists, jerking his arm behind his back until the hand was almost to his shoulder blade. Ignoring Fili’s grunt of pain, he said, “Hold still.” He pressed his chest against Fili’s back, using his weight to keep him pinned down.

Fili squeezed his eyes shut and turned his face into the mattress. He tried to slow his breathing before he made himself hyperventilate.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Fee,” Kili whispered, his breath ghosting over Fili’s back.

Fili shivered at the sensation. “You’re hurting my arm.” He tried to sound assertive, but it came out almost as a whine.

“Stay there, okay?” When Fili nodded, Kili released his arm and leaned over to kiss his shoulder. The gentle kiss turned into a wet swipe of tongue and Fili broke into gooseflesh.

Pulling his arms around, Fili tucked his elbows against his sides, bringing his hands up to his face. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know if there was anything he could do.

Kili lay against his back, covering him with his taller body. He coaxed Fili’s hands from under him, pulling his arms up above his head. Fili kept his eyes closed, face against the mattress. Kili ran his hands down the inside of Fili’s arms, nails lightly scratching the skin. Fili shivered again. He tried to ignore it. Kili ran hands down his sides, running a thumb into the dimple at the small of his back, but he didn’t move.

Sitting up with a huff, Kili knelt between his legs for a second before moving up to straddle Fili’s back. Running a hand through Fili’s hair, he said, “Relax, Fee. Okay?” Fili still didn’t respond. The weight on his back shifted, leaned forward, a hand pressed against one of his arms for a second and there was a quiet snick. A cold weight settled against his wrist.

Fili’s head flew up, eyes opening. When he saw the shackle around his wrist he panicked. With a cry, he tried to draw away from the wall, but the shackle was secure. He wasn’t going anywhere.

“No!” Fili jerked his other arm back down, pleading, “Please don’t Kili, I’ll be good, I swear, please!” He struggled and twisted under Kili, trying to pull away. It was no use. He wound up on his back, Kili kneeling on his arm, but eventually both wrists were shackled to the wall. “Please Kili, I’ll do what you say, don’t do this, don’t tie my arms down, please.”

“Shh.” Kili sat on his stomach, pressing a hand over his mouth. “Time for you to be quiet, Fee. When I want you to beg, I’ll tell you. Hush now.” He slowly removed his hand from Fili’s mouth, smiling when Fili didn’t say anything. Running a thumb across Fili’s mouth, he told him, “I know you don’t want me as much as I want you. That’s okay.” He pressed the thumb hard against Fili’s lips until he opened his mouth.

Fili was almost panting. He was trying to hold still, but he couldn’t stop trembling. His eyes filled with tears, watching Kili’s face. He whispered, “Kili?” against the thumb pressed to his lips.

Pushing the thumb into Fili’s mouth, Kili told him, “No. I said to be quiet. If you won’t be quiet, I’ll gag you.” He hooked his thumb and pulled down, prying Fili’s mouth open. “I don’t want to have to gag you. Not yet.” He pulled his thumb out of Fili’s mouth and trailed it across his bottom lip. He looked up and met Fili’s eyes, and laughed. “Gods, Fee, you look like you expect me to beat you. Relax. I’m not going to hurt you. I love you.” He leaned down and kissed Fili’s forehead.

Kili shifted around until he was lying beside Fili. He propped himself up on one elbow, watching. He scooted closer, using Fili’s chest as a pillow. Placing his hand in the middle of Fili’s chest, he snuggled against Fili’s side.

A body isn’t made to sustain high levels of fear for long. When Kili didn’t move, eventually Fili’s trembling started to slow, then stop. His heart quit jack rabbiting in his chest. His breathing slowed back to normal.

Kili was warm against his side, his hair soft on his chest. The longer he laid there unmoving, the more confused Fili became. Why was he shackled to the wall? He looked above his head, giving the shackles a tug. He felt Kili move, and looked back down. His anxiety rocketed back up when he saw Kili frowning at him.

Kili got up and went to the packs. He grabbed a few things, and Fili watched with apprehension when he returned. Kili folded up a small cloth, telling him, “You need to calm down.”

He laid the cloth over Fili’s eyes. Fili started to say something but a hand pressed over his mouth. When he closed his mouth, the hand moved away. Something was wrapped around his head, holding the cloth in place.

Kili lay down beside him again, snuggling up like before. He asked, “Are you cold?”

Fili didn’t realize he was shaking again until Kili asked. He nodded. Shifting around, then the blanket settled over both of them. He settled back down against Fili.

Whether it was the blindfold, the blanket, or the warm weight at his side, Fili gradually relaxed again. He quit shivering and some of the tension went out of his body. He was still anxious but not unbearably so. He flinched a little when Kili moved, but relaxed again when all that happened was a warm hand started rubbing across his chest.

Fili wanted to say something, but didn’t want to test Kili’s threat to gag him. He bit his bottom lip, worrying at the tender flesh. Kili didn’t do anything but rub small circles across the center of his chest. Tears came to Fili’s eyes and he was glad for the cloth on his face. He wanted his brother back, not this scary demanding stranger.

The hand shifted, sliding to his side. When a thumb traced over his nipple, Fili gasped. He hadn’t been expecting the touch on the sensitive flesh. He felt Kili’s hand pause for a moment, then resume stroking down his side. When the hand slid back up, the thumb stopped and circled the hardening bud, making Fili’s breath catch.

He felt Kili pull away from his side. The hand lightly trailed across his chest until the thumb was teasing his other nipple, coaxing it to a hard peak. The hand vanished to be replaced with a warm tongue. Fili gasped again, back arching off the mattress to push his chest up.

“I love that you are so responsive here,” Kili murmured against his chest. “Mine aren’t nearly as sensitive.” Another lick of his tongue had Fili arching again, proving his point.

Feeling his face flame, Fili bit his lip again. He took a deep breath, trying to think about something else and ignore what Kili was doing. It worked for a few seconds until Kili’s hand started toying with his other nipple, and he increased the onslaught with his mouth. Soon Fili was breathing hard.

The mouth withdrew, but the fingers continued plucking and rubbing. They pinched, continuing to apply pressure until it was almost painful. When Fili whimpered, they stopped and the fingers were replaced with Kili’s mouth, licking and kissing the abused flesh.

The warmth at Fili’s side shifted, and then Kili was straddling him. Hands and mouth moved back and forth on his chest, licking and caressing until he was gasping.

Kili’s weight shifted again as he sat up. He ran his nails lightly down Fili’s sides. Fili felt his skin break into gooseflesh and heard Kili’s soft laugh. When Kili ground down Fili’s breath left on a shudder.

The warm weight lifted as Kili moved to sit between Fili’s legs. Hands slid down across his stomach to his hips. When those hands lifted only to be placed against his cock, Fili groaned.

Unable to see, forbidden from speaking, tied down, everything felt intensified. Soon those nimble archer’s fingers had Fili writhing, feeling the familiar pull of his orgasm start to pool in his stomach. Before he could finish, Kili stopped. Fili whined when Kili moved away. Before he had time to do more than restlessly shift his legs, Kili was back.

Kili’s hands did something, and there was a weird pressure at the base of his cock. Fili drew his knees up, but Kili pushed them apart. The only warning Fili had was a puff of breath then Kili’s mouth was sliding down his hard length. The mouth slid back up, and Fili let his legs fall farther open as slick fingers traced his opening.

He made a moue of pain when two fingers were roughly thrust into him, but it was forgotten when they twisted and brushed against the sensitive gland. Soon Fili was panting and rocking his hips. It seemed to take no time at all before he came with a cry.

Only he didn’t. Whatever Kili had wrapped around the base of him stopped it. When Kili’s mouth pulled off of him with a popping noise, Fili whimpered.

“I didn’t want it to be over too soon,” Kili said, and Fili could hear the smirk in his voice.

Fili pressed his lips together so he wouldn’t give into the temptation to start cursing. He felt Kili’s weight move and lay against him. A tongue licked against his mouth and he opened his lips, allowing entry.

Fili wrapped his legs around Kili’s waist, urging him forward when he felt the heat of Kili’s blunt head against him. He whimpered at the sting when he was first breached, and Kili held still, kissing him until his body adjusted. When he rocked his hips, Kili took the silent urging and pushed forward until he bottomed out.

With a moan, Kili started moving, long slow thrusts that barely brushed where Fili wanted, making him squirm. Kili lifted himself on one arm, reaching the other hand between them to fist Fili’s cock. It felt like this went on for hours before Fili’s body was wracked by another non-orgasm.

Kili removed his hand and held still until Fili was writhing under him. When he thrust forward, Fili gasped. He stopped moving again, hips pressed hard against Fili, buried deep inside, and stayed there until Fili felt like he was going to burst.

“Please, Kili,” Fili whispered.

Rather than admonishing Fili, Kili kissed him and murmured against his mouth. “Please what? Tell me what you want.”

“I want to come!” Fili felt like that should be evident by now. He could feel Kili’s smile against his lips.

“And what do we say?” Kili’s tone had turned teasing.

Fili had to stop and think. What do we say? Oh. “Please?”

Another kiss, and Kili rose up. A flurry of movement and the pressure around the base of Fili’s cock was gone. He heaved a deep sigh and Kili laughed.

“It wasn’t that bad. I’ve done it,” Kili told him.

Fili felt a flare of jealousy. Who had Kili done this with? He frowned, but before he could ask, Kili thrust hard, making him gasp. A few more well placed thrusts had him arching his back.

Kili stopped, changing to short shallow thrusts. They were nowhere near what Fili wanted, making him whine.

Kili heard and asked, “What do you want, Fee?”

“Make me come, please?” Fili couldn’t keep the need out of his voice.

“Well, since you asked so nicely, let’s see what we can do.” Kili thrust forward making Fili gasp again. “But you aren’t telling me what you want.” He switched back to those frustrating shallow movements.

“Touch me,” Fili demanded.

“Hm. No,” Kili said.

Fili cursed him silently. The bastard didn’t even sound out of breath. “Unchain me?”

“No.” Another hard thrust forward.

Rocking his hips, Fili told him, “Yes, like that! Harder!”

Kili snapped his hips forward, making Fili keen. “Is that want you want?”

“Yes!”

But Kili stopped, tormenting Fili more. “Are you sure?”

“Take off the blindfold?” Fili asked.

A pause, then a hand fumbled the blindfold off. It tugged at Fili’s hair, but he was beyond caring. He blinked until his eyes came back into focus. He saw Kili looking down at him, a slight frown on his face.

Keeping eye contact, Fili told him, “I want you to fuck me hard and fast. Make me come, brother.”

Kili’s eyes flared in surprise and his hips stuttered forward. Fili heard his breath catch and watched a wicked smile cross his face.

“I can do that.” With a surge of motion, Kili caught Fili’s legs behind the knee. Pressing them up until Fili was bent in half, he thrust forward.

The first thrust made Fili gasp. The second, cry out. The third and he threw his head back. He tried to move, but couldn’t. All he could do was accept it. A part of his mind thought of the forge. When the hammer struck the metal it made sparks fly everywhere. That was how he felt, only the sparks were under his skin and Kili was his hammer. Every muscle was drawn tight, quivering with need.

Kili’s hips started to stutter. When he thrust forward a final time, his orgasm triggered Fili’s. Fili came undone with a cry that was almost a scream. Kili bucked forward again, making Fili clench down around him harder. They both rode out the aftershocks like this until they were too sensitive to do more.

Kili was gentle as he withdrew his softening cock from Fili, easing away so Fili could adjust and move his legs back down. When they were untangled, he sat up and grabbed his discarded shirt, wiping himself off with it as he looked down at Fili.

Still trying to catch his breath, Fili watched Kili with hooded eyes. When Kili pressed against one of his knees, he allowed his legs to fall open. He watched Kili bite his lip.

“You are so beautiful like this Fee. You look wrecked,” Kili murmured as he reached forward, using a finger to try and push his seed back into Fili.

When the finger traced across and into his oversensitive pucker, Fili gasped. He couldn’t stop the involuntary clench around Kili’s finger.

Smiling at him, Kili said, “So needy. My needy Fee.” He traced that finger through the spend on Fili’s stomach, and then raised it to his mouth. Fili shivered when he watched Kili lick his finger clean.

“We taste good together.” Kili bent down and kissed him. Fili ran his tongue around Kili’s lips, chasing the taste. “See?”

Fili nodded, but then grimaced when his shoulder gave a twinge in protest.

“Shit, sorry,” Kili was immediately flustered. He hurried over to his pack and found the key. Almost fumbling in his haste, he unlocked the shackles around Fili’s wrists.

He had been in one position too long, and Fili whimpered when he tried to move his arms. Kili cleaned him up and helped him move his arms down. While Fili was wriggling his fingers, Kili poured a mug of water. He helped Fili sit up and drink. After it was gone, Kili rearranged them until they were lying down and Fili was sprawled across his chest. When Kili started to rub his shoulders, Fili groaned.

“Sorry, Fee,” Kili apologized again. “We’ll have to find a better position for you to be in.”

Fili could do no more than nod. He felt hollow and thought that if he wasn’t careful he’d just pop like a bubble. He closed his eyes and concentrated on the warmth of Kili’s hands rubbing his shoulders. He wrapped an arm around Kili’s waist, nuzzled against his chest, and fell asleep. Whispered endearments followed him into his dreams.


	8. Down In It

Well shut up so what what does it matter now.  
I was swimming in the haze now I crawl on the ground.  
And everything I never liked about you is kind of seeping into me.  
Try to laugh about it now but isn't it funny how everything works out  
"I guess the jokes on me." she said  
  
I used to be so big and strong.  
I used to know my right from wrong.  
I used to never be afraid.  
I used to be somebody  
  
I used to have something inside  
now just this hole that's open wide.  
I used to want it all  
I used to be somebody  
  
I’ll cross my heart and hope to die  
but the needle's already in my eye.  
And all the world's weight is on my back  
and I don't even know why.  
And what I used to think was me is just a fading memory  
I looked him right in the eye and said "goodbye."

 

When Fili was small, he had a set of wooden toy soldiers. He outgrew them, and passed them along to Kili. He couldn’t remember what happened to all of them, but Kili’s favorite was a knight. The knight was on a wooden horse, and the horse had wheels instead of hooves. There were levers on the knight’s back you used to raise and lower the arms, and he held a little sword and shield.

Kili dragged that toy around with him everywhere for a long time. He’d make up stories about the knight’s adventures and tell them gleefully while Fili listened. More than once Fili had to help clean dirt out of the wheels and dust it off.

One day Kili had come running to him distraught. He was in tears because he had dropped the knight. One of the horse’s legs had broken, the sword too. The shield was cracked and an arm had come loose.

Under Kili’s watchful eye, Fili had done his best to repair the damage. He was still only a dwarfling himself, though. He managed to get it back together but it was never the same. It wobbled where the mended leg was a little shorter, the sword was no longer straight. The arm stuck when you tried to move it.

The toy was no longer a favorite. It went from going everywhere with Kili to sitting at home on the floor. After a while it got moved to the toy chest. From there it made the short trip to the closet, and was shuffled to the back behind everything. As far as Fili knew, the toy was still back there on a shelf gathering dust, forgotten.

Fili awoke slowly, wondering if the toy was still in the closet. Maybe it had been thrown away. For some reason, the thought bothered him.

He was warm for a change, almost toasty. He realized it was because he was still draped over Kili and covered with the blanket. He was straddling his brother, face buried against the crook of Kili’s neck. He could tell by the faint snores that Kili was still asleep.

He sighed and got distracted from thoughts of the toy knight by Kili’s scent. Kili had always smelled good, like the sweet rolls his mother made combined with the mineral smell of a hard rain. When Kili was still a baby, Fili had mentioned it to his mother. She laughingly told him that all babies smell good and Kili would grow out of it. Kili never did, though. For Fili, this was the smell of home.

Eyes still closed, Fili nuzzled Kili’s neck. He had always thought Kili would taste sweet if you licked him. He ran the tip of his tongue out to test this theory. All he tasted was a slight saltiness.

Maybe it was because they had been sleeping under the blanket together. If the sweat was gone, he should be able to taste Kili. Fili placed a hand on the broad chest under him, pushing up a little to get a better angle. He licked a stripe up Kili’s neck. There it was, right in the bend of Kili’s neck. Sweet and salty, warm and smelling like home. He pressed a kiss to the spot.

Scooting back down a little, he rested his head against Kili. He’d never admit it but he’d always been proud of his brother. Kili was tall, strong and handsome. He might not have much of a beard yet, but what he did have only accented his good looks. Besides, he was hairy enough everywhere else. Fili ran a hand lightly across Kili’s chest, feeling the hair under his fingers.

Fili was still half asleep. He didn’t notice the snoring had stopped. He didn’t feel the heartbeat pick up under his hand. He was too engrossed in the feel of warm skin, soft hair, and the smell of home.

He tried to settle down and go back to sleep. He lost his comfortable position though, and couldn’t get it again. He turned his head and licked at the collar bone under his cheek. When it proved to taste the same as Kili’s neck, he mouthed at it, sucked the skin into his mouth and then lightly bit.

It startled Fili when Kili wrapped an arm around his waist and moaned. He sat up with a gasp, eyes flying open. He would have flung himself away, but Kili held him in place.

“Shh, Fee, you’re okay.” Kili’s voice was low and sleep roughened. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I just like it when you touch me. Stay there.” Kili made nonsense sounds, coaxing Fili to lay back down on him.

Fili cautiously rested his head against Kili’s chest, this time fully awake. Kili ran a hand up and down his back slowly. After a while, the rhythmic motion started to soothe him, and he was able to relax. He laid his hand flat on Kili’s chest. When Kili gave no reaction other than a soft sigh, Fili closed his eyes and allowed his fingers to start twirling through the hair there.

“Kili?” Fili whispered. When he got a questioning hum in response, he went on. “Are we going to go home soon?”

Kili shrugged under him. “Do you want to go home?”

Remembering Kili’s earlier reaction and not wanting to set him off again, Fili answered with care. “I thought you said we are almost out of food?”

“We’re starting to run low, yeah. I need to go hunting.” There was a long pause, then Kili said, “I’m a little afraid to go home.”

“Don’t be afraid, Kee. I’ll be with you.” Fili patted Kili’s chest, trying to reassure him.

Kili shook his head. “No you won’t. You won’t be with me. Once everyone finds out what I’ve done, they won’t allow you to be around me anymore.” Kili sounded lost.

Reaching out, Fili caught Kili’s other hand with his own, intertwining their fingers. “You’re my brother. They can’t take me away from you.”

“They can, and they will. The day we go home will probably be the last day I ever see you. I’ll be locked away somewhere in a hole, I imagine.” He kissed the top of Fili’s head.

Fili couldn’t think of a life without Kili in it. “I wouldn’t let them do that.”

“You won’t have a choice. You’re the heir, I’m only the spare. They can afford to throw me away.”

Fili wanted to tell Kili they wouldn’t just lock him away somewhere. The more he thought about it though, the more he started to think Kili was right. What if they did just stuff Kili in a cell somewhere? That wouldn’t help him. He didn’t want to be separated forever. He clung tighter to Kili.

“Well, we can worry about that later,” Kili murmured. “Right now how about I make us some tea? Are you thirsty?”

Troubled, Fili nodded and moved so Kili could get up. Would Thorin really have Kili imprisoned? Maybe. Would Thorin keep them apart? Almost certainly. At the very least Kili could possibly be exiled. He would probably be sent to the Iron Hills rather than just cast out because he was still a prince.

“Here, you can clean up a bit while the tea steeps.” Kili handed him a cloth and a bucket of hot water.

Nodding his thanks, Fili washed his face. When he was washing his hands, he noticed a smudge of dirt on his wrist, just below his thumb. When it didn’t rinse away, he looked closer. It wasn’t dirt, he realized. It was a bruise from the shackles.

He couldn’t help the shiver that ran down his spine. His cock twitched at the memory. He tried to think about anything else, or better yet, not think at all.

“You’re going to rub yourself raw, Fee.” Kili grabbed his hand.

Startled, Fili looked up. He had been rubbing at the bruise on his wrist with the washcloth without even realizing it. The skin was red around the dark mark.

Kili frowned and kissed the bruise. “I’m sorry. I don’t like seeing you hurt.”

“It’s nothing.” Fili wrapped himself back into the blanket and accepted a cup of hot tea. Kili also made him take a slice of toast with cheese melted on it.

He wasn’t hungry. It felt like there was a knot in his throat and he couldn’t swallow anything solid around it. Still, Fili picked at the toast, nibbling at the cheese until it grew cold. He ignored Kili’s concerned look when he sat it aside.

When Kili finished his drink and set the mug aside, he drew Fili into his lap. Wrapped in the blanket, warm and coddled, soon Fili was half dozing.

“I don’t want them to send you away,” Fili whispered.

“I don’t want to be sent away. We might not have a choice in the matter, though,” Kili murmured into his hair. He tilted Fili’s chin up and kissed him.

The next few hours turned into a sweaty blur. It started with butterfly kisses and feathery touches and ranged to bite marks and bruising grips. Kili took delight in learning exactly how to make Fili moan, gasp, and sigh. Kili drove him to the edge again and again, only to pull back and leave Fili begging and pleading.

For his part, Fili learned what to say to drive Kili wild. He learned that Kili wanted to be touched, looked at, acknowledged. He had only to sigh at the right time and whisper the word brother to drive him into mindlessness. He learned that Kili’s lap was safe and warm, and Kili would take care of him. He learned how to pout and look at Kili from under his lashes to try and get his own way.

He also learned not to say no. At one point, Fili was tired, thirsty, and starting to get sore. Kili shifted and accidentally yanked Fili’s hair. Fili snapped at him and shoved him away. Ignoring Kili’s hurt look, he sat up rubbing his scalp. He missed when the hurt changed to anger.

Kili pushed him down on his stomach. Fili was pinned down by one hand on his wrist, and a hand on the back of his neck. The collar was shoved up into his jaw and he had a hard time breathing. Kili ignored his whimpers of pain, thinking only of his own pleasure. When he finished he jumped up, threw on some pants, and left Fili lying there.

When he heard the door slam, Fili opened his eyes. He turned over, stretching to get the washcloth that had been tossed aside and forgotten. After gingerly cleaning himself, he curled on his side in the blanket. He didn’t know where Kili had gone. Anxiety and relief warred over being left alone. He was worried about when Kili would come back.

Kili finally returned. After locking the door and getting undressed, Kili came and curled around Fili.

Kili murmured into Fili’s hair. “Please don’t push me away. Don’t shut me out, okay?” When Fili nodded he went on, “I can’t stand the thought of you turning away from me.”

Fili twisted around to face him. He burrowed against his brother’s chest until his face was pressed against it, his head slotted until Kili’s chin. When he felt Kili’s arms settle around him, he said, “I didn’t mean to shut you out. I’m sorry. Don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad. I love you.” Kili placed a kiss on top of Fili’s head.

With a slight smile, Fili told him, “I love you too.”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  Kili wasn’t angry at him anymore.  Kili started running a hand down his back and playing with his hair, and he was content.

 


	9. Hurt

I wear my crown of shit  
on my liar's chair  
full of broken thoughts  
I cannot repair  
beneath the stain of time  
the feeling disappears  
you are someone else  
I am still right here  
what have I become?  
my sweetest friend  
everyone I know  
goes away in the end  
you could have it all  
my empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt

 

A couple of days later, Fili was sitting as far away from Kili as he could get, on the ground with his knees drawn up. He knew he probably looked like a sulky dwarfling but he didn’t care. He was angry.

“Don’t be like that, Fee,” Kili cajoled as he was packing up things into a bundle. “I swear I’ll be back by tomorrow morning at the very latest.”

Fili didn’t even look at him, watching in his peripheral vision as Kili checked his arrows. “You’re leaving me here alone.”

Kili put down the quiver he was holding and came over. Kneeling in front of Fili, he said, “You haven’t eaten anything in days. I’ll bring back some of the blackberries, okay? I’ll probably be able to get a rabbit and we can make a nice stew. Do you want me to look for anything else?”

“I want you to stay here with me.” Fili looked up from under his lashes the way he knew Kili liked. “You said you wanted to be with me but you’re leaving.”

Kili kissed him on the forehead. “I said I’d take care of you. Sitting here watching you starve yourself isn’t taking care of you.”

Fili had been refusing to eat. He wasn’t hungry. The knot in his throat seemed to always be there, and the thought of food make him feel sick. They had both been a bit startled when Kili wrapped his fingers around one of Fili’s wrists with ease last night. Fili had lost weight. That’s why Kili was so determined to go hunting this morning.

Kili got up and packed a few more things to take with him. After giving Fili a considering look, he took a mug and filled it full of wine. Fili watched with distrust as Kili sat it down within his range.

“I’m not making you drink it. In case I don’t make it back tonight and you can’t sleep,” Kili explained. He sat a full water skin next to it, along with some food. He stoked the fire then turned to Fili. “Can I have a kiss for luck, at least?”

For a second, Fili thought about refusing. Then he had a better idea. He rose and raked Kili with his eyes, top to bottom and back. Walking slowly, he gave Kili time to watch him. And he saw Kili take every opportunity given. He stopped in front of Kili and licked his lips slowly, seeing Kili mimic the gesture. Placing a gentle hand on each side of Kili’s face, he teased by flicking his tongue against the cupid’s bow of Kili’s lip.

“Is that all you want?” he whispered.

“Huh?” Kili seemed dazed.

“Is all you want a kiss?” Fili kissed Kili, soft and slow, then trailed kisses across his jaw to his ear. With a quick nibble on the lobe, Fili whispered, “I can think of something I want.” He flicked his tongue against the shell of Kili’s ear.

“Fee…” Kili sounded as if he wanted to object. His hands came up to rest at Fili’s waist, though.

Fili ran a hand down Kili’s chest. When he trailed his hand lower, he was gratified to find Kili already hard for him. He hid his smile against Kili’s neck.

“Will you give me what I want?” Fili asked as he rubbed Kili.

Kili’s reply was to tighten his grip on Fili’s waist. He gasped when Fili pressed up against him.

Fili untied the laces of Kili’s trousers, humming in appreciation when the hard length inside sprung free. After kissing Fili again, he dropped to his knees.

Even after everything they had done together over the past few days, Fili had never instigated any of it. He always let Kili initiate lovemaking. He had accepted it, but never been proactive. Kili had never asked him to reciprocate, either. Now that Fili was doing this, Kili was acting like someone had hit him in the head with a hammer.

He heard the gasp when he took Kili into his mouth. He slid his mouth down as far as he could without choking himself. Glancing up, he saw Kili watching him, lips parted and eyes wide. Keeping eye contact, Fili pulled back, allowing his cheeks to hollow. Kili threw back his head a groaned.

“Fee… fuck, that’s not playing fair,” Kili sounded breathless.

Allowing Kili’s cock to slide out of his mouth with a pop, Fili smiled up at him. “I didn’t know this was against the rules. Want me to stop?”

Kili shook his head fast enough to make his hair fly. With a small laugh, Fili turned his attention back to what he was doing.

He took Kili back into his mouth and used his hand on the part that wouldn’t fit. It only took a few minutes before Kili’s hand was fisted in his hair. He had to put his other hand on Kili’s hips. Kili was making a tiny rocking motion like he couldn’t help himself. When Kili came, Fili swallowed and didn’t stop until Kili pulled him away.

“Come back to bed?” Fili bit his lip, leaning back to allow Kili to get a good look at him as he trailed a hand down his own chest.

“Mahal, you are beautiful, Fili,” Kili whispered and bent over to give him a sloppy kiss. “That was better than any good luck kiss. When I get back, I’ll take you up on that offer. I’ll be thinking of you, but I still need to go.”

Kili quickly ran a hand down Fili’s side. He dropped a kiss on Fili’s forehead and spun away.

“Wait, Kee,” Fili said.

“Tonight. Tomorrow morning at the latest.” Kili grabbed his bundle and bow. Slinging his quiver over his shoulders, he was gone before Fili could say anything else.

Fili was still kneeling on the floor when he heard the key scrape in the door as Kili locked it again. He stared at the door for a moment before he thought of the wooden knight with the crooked sword forgotten in the closet. Now that he was used, was Kili tired of him?

His hands fisted and teeth clenched. Lips peeled back in a soundless snarl. Every muscle went rigid as a rush of rage boiled through him, so hot he wouldn’t have been surprised if he caught fire. He mindlessly flew at the wall. Slamming into it with his shoulder, he didn’t feel the impact. He started hammering it with his fists, thinking there had to be a flaw, an imperfection that could cause the stone to break if he hit it hard enough. Where the rung was hooked to the wall had to be the weakest point. He slammed his shoulder into it again.

He was so angry he didn’t feel the damage he was doing to his body. All he could think was that the wall had to break, had to shatter as he himself felt broken and shattered. The stone wall was rough and jagged, not smoothed out like the ones at home. He cut himself on his hip and shoulder. His fists were even worse, and the palms of his hands were abraded when he beat the wall. Once his footing slipped and the side of his head hit the wall, opening a scratch on his cheek. He didn’t notice when the blood started to bead and then run.

There had to be a weakness he could exploit. He jerked on the chain where it attached to the collar, not noticing when it cut into the back of his neck. He didn’t feel when he ripped a fingernail off down to the quick. When he tried to pull it from the wall, he didn’t see when he slipped and he scraped the back of his hand.

Eventually he slowed, then stopped his assault on the wall. He stood with his head bowed, hair hanging in his eyes, panting. He closed his eyes, fighting the prickle of tears he felt. It was no use. He couldn’t get free.

He went and picked up the water skin Kili had left for him. He paused, and sat it back down to grab the mug of wine. Drinking it in one swift gulp, he turned to look at the wall again. He stood there, crossing his arms, hands clutching at his own shoulders in an unconscious imitation of a hug.

The wave of dizziness that washed over him was so powerful he fell to his knees. He tried to stand back up but couldn’t. He crawled in a wobbly line to his blanket and wrapped himself in it. His stomach cramped badly enough to make him curl up on his side. He felt like he was going to throw up.

Too late, he remembered that the last time he had drank any of the wine, it was less than half of the mug. This had been a full mug. Another wave of dizziness hit, followed by nausea. Maybe he should make himself throw up. It was getting harder to think though.

A small part of his brain spitefully hoped it killed him. Let Kili come back to find his corpse. He knew that was childish and stupid, but right now he didn’t care. If Kili was here it wouldn’t be an issue. Kili had abandoned him, left him here to be forgotten, as unwanted as the broken toy knight. The tears he had been fighting spilled over. Would Kili even bother coming back?

It was hard to move. His stomach cramped again, but he didn’t react. He couldn’t. His limbs felt heavy. It felt like his head was too big for his neck to support. He was freezing, and grateful that he had been able to roll up in the blanket.

The next wave of dizziness brought darkness with it. He didn’t try fighting it. He fell into it and sank like a stone.


	10. Discipline

Am I still tough enough?  
Feels like I'm wearing down  
Is my viciousness  
losing ground?  
Am I taking too much  
Did I cross a line  
I need my role in this  
Very clearly defined  
I need your discipline  
I need your help  
I need your discipline  
You know once I start I cannot help myself  
  
And now it's starting up  
feels like I'm losing touch  
Nothing matters to me  
Nothing matters as much  
I see you left a mark  
Up and down my skin  
I don't know where I end  
And  
where you begin  
I need your discipline  
I need your help  
I need your discipline  
You know once I start I cannot help myself  
Once I start I cannot stop myself

 

“Fee, wake up.”

A hand shook his shoulder and it hurt. Why did everything hurt so badly? The entire side of his body hurt. His hands were throbbing. Even his toes hurt. His throat was so dry it felt like it was burning. He was having a hard time breathing and he couldn’t see. The hand rubbed his back, and he realized he couldn’t breathe or see because he was under the blanket.

There was a bit of a struggle, but finally Fili was able to move the blanket down enough that he could poke the top of his head out. His vision was blurry, but he was able to make out Kili kneeling beside him.

“You’re back.” His tongue felt thick and unwieldy in his mouth, and he couldn’t get his body to cooperate with him. His limbs were too heavy. It was hard to concentrate.

“I told you I’d be back. I wanted to come last night but it got late.” Kili had turned away and was messing with something by the packs.

Fili flailed around, wrestling with the blanket and trying to sit up. With a sigh, he gave up. He wanted a drink but it wasn’t worth the effort right now. He was almost asleep again when Kili came and sat in front of him.

“Are you hungry? I can make you some breakfast.”

Shaking his head no, he managed to get a hand out from under the blanket and reached out to Kili. “I’m glad you’re back.” A harsh grip around his wrist hurt and made him gasp.

“What the fuck? What did you do to your hand?” Kili sounded angry.

“Nothing.” Fili tried to pull his hand back, but Kili didn’t let go.

“Don’t tell me nothing, Fili. It looks like you tried to run it through a meat grinder!” Kili pulled the blanket down until he saw Fili’s face. He grabbed Fili’s jaw, turning his head. He ran a thumb across the cut on Fili’s cheek. Eyes narrowing, he jerked the blanket away from Fili, exposing him completely.

Fili flinched when he heard Kili gasp. Looking at himself, he could see why. He barely remembered attacking the wall, but the evidence was all over his body. His shoulder, side and hip were bruised and bloody where he had slammed into the wall repeatedly. His hands were swollen, and the knuckles looked like he had gotten into a horrible fight, the skin was torn off both hands. The palms of his hands were in the same shape. His knees were scraped and dirty, making him think he had fallen a few times. He had streaks of dried blood all over him, even running down his chest from his neck where he had tried to pull off the collar.

“How many times have I told you to quit hurting yourself?”

Fili looked up at Kili, and then cringed. Kili’s voice had been flat, toneless. Kili’s face was another story. His brother was furious.

“I didn’t…” Fili whispered.

“You’re going to tell me that you didn’t hurt yourself?” Kili asked, still in that same soft toneless voice.

Fili dropped his eyes and swallowed hard. “The wall…”

“Ah, so it was the wall that attacked you?” Kili was starting to sound angry now.

“I hit the wall,” Fili was afraid to look up. He didn’t want to see those dark eyes staring at him out of his brother’s face.

“And how many times have I told you that I won’t stand for you hurting yourself?”

Fili couldn’t remember exactly, he couldn’t think of anything to say right now, so he shrugged. He saw Kili rise and walk over to the packs. After some rustling around, Kili’s feet came back into view.

“This is my fault. I love you, and because of that I’ve been too lenient with you.” Kili’s voice was soft but there was still anger under the words.

“I’m sorry, Kili,” Fili tried.

“Not yet, but you will be,” Kili warned him, and then pushed him on to his stomach.

Fili still couldn’t even see straight, much less try to resist. It was no challenge at all for Kili to lock the shackles around his wrists.

“Wait, Kili, please don’t! You don’t have to tie me down! I won’t do it again, I promise,” Fili tried to struggle but it felt like he was moving under water. Everything was slow and clumsy, and his body wasn’t cooperating with him.

“You’ve said that before, Fee. This time I’m going to teach you a lesson.”

Chills ran down Fili’s back at how calm and dispassionate Kili sounded. He couldn’t see what Kili was doing, and didn’t want to know what sort of lesson was in store for him. He pushed up with his legs, trying to get in a position where he could at least sit up and see what was happening.

That didn’t work, because Kili grabbed his hips, pulling him back down and stretching his arms above his head, taut enough that the shackles painfully bit into his wrists. A hand grabbed his hair, jerking his head up. His jaw was pried open and a rag was stuffed into his mouth. A belt was wrapped around his head, holding the rag in place and painfully stretching his lips wide. The hand let go of his hair and Fili craned his neck, trying to see what Kili was doing. He couldn’t though.

“I think twenty should get the point across.”

Fili wanted to ask twenty what, what point, what was Kili doing, but the questions came out garbled. He got his answer soon enough when he heard a loud crack. The sound was immediately followed by a cold line across the middle of his back which then turned into a white hot burning pain. It felt like Kili had hit him with a belt or leather strap. It hurt badly enough that he cried out and pulled against the shackles, drawing his legs up and curling his body.

There was more movement that he couldn’t see, then Kili grabbed his ankles, pulling his body out straight again. Something was wrapped around his ankles, and he was pulled out straight, flat on his stomach, body taut, restraints digging into both his ankles and wrists now. He could hardly move.

“Let’s start over. You’re getting twenty, and if we have to do this again, next time it will be forty.”

Behind the gag, Fili tried to say that they didn’t have to do this, he wouldn’t do it again. Kili’s only response was to land a blow across his ass. The next one landed on his shoulders. The third one across the tops of his thighs.

By this time, Fili was writhing in pain, crying out behind the gag every time a strike would land. There was no pattern to them. The places varied from his shoulders down to the middle of his thighs, and the timing was irregular. He lost count at the sixth blow, and his focus narrowed until there was nothing but blazing pain. The pain from the blows, from the restraints digging into his skin, from the injuries he had done to himself against the wall. Everything was agony. A blow landed across his shoulders, much harder than the others, painful enough to make him scream.

Then it was over. There were no more blows. First the pressure on his ankles was gone, and he could move his legs again. Then the pressure around his head vanished as the belt was removed. Kili carefully took the rag out of Fili’s mouth. Fili laid his head down, forehead against the mattress, panting for breath as tears ran down his face.

“I’m going to let your arms go too, but I want you to stay there, okay?” When he didn’t answer right away, Kili ran a hand over his head gently. “Fee? Don’t roll over. Stay there.”

When Fili nodded, the shackles were unlocked and his hands were free. He pulled his arms closer to him, but aside from that he didn’t move. He heard Kili rustling around, moving things and there was a bang. He didn’t look up though. He flinched when Kili ran a cool wet cloth over his back.  

“You won’t hurt yourself again. Right?” Kili asked, but it wasn’t really a question.

Fili nodded his head.

“Good. I don’t want to have to punish you again, but I will. Understand?”

Fili nodded his head again. He didn’t want to have to go through this again either.

“I’m done with your back. You can get up now.”

Sitting up took some effort. By the time Fili had made it upright, Kili brought over a bucket with warm water in it, and handed Fili the cloth.

“Clean yourself up. I’ll make something to eat.” Kili turned away and went back to the fire.

Fili sniffed, trying not to start crying again. He tried washing up but his fingers were clumsy and wouldn’t cooperate. He hurt everywhere. Now Kili was mad at him and wouldn’t even look at him. He kept stealing glances, but Kili paid no attention.

He got as clean as he could manage right now, and wrapped himself back up in the blanket. He was still cold and exhausted, but he was afraid to say anything. He didn’t want Kili to think he was complaining.

“It’ll be ready in a few minutes,” Kili said as he sat down on the mattress. He didn’t look at Fili. He sat staring at the flames of the fire instead.

Fili couldn’t stand it anymore. Pulling the blanket with him, he crawled into Kili’s lap, snuggling up as tight against Kili’s chest as he could.

“Not now, Fili. I’m cooking.” Kili leaned back, trying to ease Fili off his lap.

“Please don’t be mad at me,” Fili whispered. He stuck a hand out of the blanket and clung to Kili’s shirt, refusing to move.

Kili sighed. “Am I really that horrible to be around?” When Fili shook his head no, Kili asked him, “Then why would you rather tear yourself apart than wait for me to come back?”

“I got scared,” Fili said, and he started to cry again. “I thought you were tired of me and didn’t want me anymore because I was used up and you weren’t coming back.” All this came out garbled in a flood of tears. Fili was crying so hard his breath was hitching as he clutched Kili’s shirt.

Seeming to understand at least some of it, Kili hugged him. “I promised you I’d be back, right?”

Fili couldn’t even talk. He nodded as tears continued to roll down his face.

“I’ll never break a promise to you, Fee. If I tell you something, I mean it. Okay?”

Fili nodded again. Kili hugged him and rocked him, stroking his hair and making soothing noises. Eventually his tears slowed until he was sniffling and hiccupping.

“I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me?” Fili whispered, head buried against Kili’s chest.

“I’m not mad.” Kili caught his hand, looking at the bruised and abraded knuckles. “I don’t like seeing you hurt though.”

“I’m sorry.” Fili felt ashamed. His brother was doing what he could, trying to take care of them both. All he was doing was making it harder by acting like a stupid spoiled dwarfling.

“Promise me you won’t do it again, and we will forget about it.”

“I promise.” Fili sniffled again and rubbed at his nose.

“Good.” Kili lightly kissed his knuckles. “Now I want you to eat something. Will you do that for me?”

Fili wasn’t hungry at all, but he nodded. He slid out of Kili’s lap and watched his brother go to the fire. He wrinkled his nose, figuring Kili was making porridge again.

When Kili brought back a bowl, he saw he had been right. It was porridge, but it had a thick swirl of honey in it, and a knob of creamy butter was melting on top. He glanced at Kili, wondering where that came from.

“I bagged a deer,” Kili explained when he saw the look. “I kept a roast and some other parts for us, but traded the rest of it. You haven’t eaten for a couple of days though, so I thought that might be easier on your stomach first.”

Fili stirred it around, but he was still sniffling occasionally. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Kili made some tea, and then sat back down on the mattress a few feet away. Usually Kili was sitting beside him, touching him, hugging him. Was Kili still mad at him?

“Is something wrong with it?” Kili asked. Of course he had noticed. When Fili shook his head no, he asked, “Then what’s the matter?”

In a voice so small he didn’t recognize it as his own, Fili asked, “Can I sit with you?”

Smiling, Kili told him, “Oh Fee, of course you can! I thought you might want to be left alone.” He opened his arms wide.

Fili wasted no time accepting the invitation. He crawled into Kili’s lap, wrapping the blanket around them both. Kili held the bowl while Fili took a few bites of the porridge. With the drug from the wine still in his system, it was difficult to operate the spoon and not get porridge everywhere. Kili helped, and talked to him between feeding him small bites.

Kili told him of shooting the deer, and getting a couple of rabbits too. He said he traded for the butter and honey, and some other things he said were a surprise. He told Fili of finding a small waterfall leading to a deep pool surrounded by mossy rocks with fish and frogs in it.

Fili was so caught up in listening to Kili talk, he finished the bowl of porridge before he realized it.

“Do you want some more?” Kili asked him.

He felt so full he was a little queasy. He didn’t say that to Kili because he didn’t want to appear ungrateful, so he just shook his head no.

“Sorry, Fee, but I need to move. I think my leg’s fallen asleep.” Kili wriggled a bit, trying to ease Fili off his lap.

Fili clung tighter for a second, not wanting to get out of Kili’s lap. He forced himself to let go and move with a whispered, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” Tears came to his eyes again. He ducked his head, hiding under his hair. He felt like he couldn’t do anything right.

“Hey, it’s no big deal. I just need to change position. How about we lay down together for a minute? Then later today, if you can keep the porridge down, I’ll make some venison steaks. Does that sound good?” He brushed the hair out of Fili’s face, ducking his head to try and catch Fili’s eyes.

Tears came to Fili’s eyes again. Kili was being so sweet when all he had done was cause trouble. He was too ashamed to look at Kili.

“Hey,” Kili said. “What wrong?” He waited, but when there was no response, he said, “I can’t fix it if I don’t know what the problem is, Fee. Talk to me, please?”

“I don’t want you to be mad at me anymore,” was all Fili could manage before he started crying in earnest again.

Kili lay down on his back and pulled Fili over to lay down with him. Fili wound up curled up with his head on Kili’s chest, tucked up under his chin and wrapped in the blanket. He was running his fingers through the hair on Kili’s chest, the action soothing him almost as much as Kili’s hand rubbing slowly across his back.

“I’m not angry, Fee. Not anymore,” Kili murmured against his hair. “It bothers me to think that you don’t trust me to keep my word, though.”

Fili tensed, huddling back into the blanket. “I trust you!”

“Shh, it’s okay,” Kili soothed, trying to get him to relax again. “I can’t blame you. It hurt my feelings a little. That’s all.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Kee,” Fili whispered. “I won’t do it again.”

“That’s all I ask,” Kili told him, giving him a gentle hug. “Why don’t you rest for a bit, okay? Then I’ll fix dinner, and a bath, and we can go to bed early. It’s been a stressful day for both of us.”

Fili nodded and resisted the urge to apologize again. He relaxed against Kili’s chest. Kili had come back to him, and wasn’t angry anymore. Yes, Kili had punished him, but it was only so he wouldn’t hurt himself again. Well, Fili had learned his lesson. He wouldn’t hurt himself again, because it hurt Kili too. He’d try to do better from now on.

When he dozed off, Kili was still murmuring soothing words and rubbing his back. He was warm and full, happy to have his brother back.

 


	11. The Becoming

I beat my machine it's a part of me it's inside of me  
I'm stuck in this dream it's changing me I am becoming  
the me that you know had some second thoughts  
he's covered with scabs and he is broken and sore  
the me that you know doesn't come around much  
that part of me isn't here anymore

 

Fili didn’t know how long he laid there curled up next to Kili. He half dozed, slipping in and out of wakefulness and sleep until he wasn’t sure what was a dream and what wasn’t. The heartbeat under his cheek, the hand slowly stroking up and down his back, the firm chest under his hand were all anchors to reality. He allowed his fingers to play with the hair on Kili’s chest, sometimes stopping to press his hand down to make sure it was not a dream.

He thought the drug from the wine must still be in his system. He was drowsy and dizzy. He snuggled a little closer to Kili, reveling in the warmth. He enjoyed it when Kili played with his hair. Smiling to himself, he hugged Kili.

When Kili hugged him back, he couldn’t help the small sound of discomfort. He was hurt where he had thrown himself against the wall, and sore from his punishment. Kili released him immediately and resumed playing with his hair.

He snuck a glance at Kili’s face. Kili looked like he was half asleep too. Fili paused, and then decided to take the opportunity in front of him.

First he flattened his palm on Kili’s chest, feeling the changes in texture from the hair to the soft skin underneath. When that got no reaction, he turned his head a bit to run his face across the chest under him, enjoying the feel of the hair on his nose and cheek. He allowed his hand to move up to Kili’s throat, tracing the Adam’s apple with a fingertip. He flinched a little when it jumped under his finger as Kili swallowed, but a quick look showed that Kili was still lying there passively with his eyes closed.

Emboldened, Fili traced Kili’s jaw line with his fingers, feeling the rough stubble. He slid his hand up to cup Kili’s jaw for a second, then ran his fingers around the shell of the ear within reach. Running his hand around the back of Kili’s neck, he marveled at the differences in the textures of the hair at different points from chest to jaw to neck.

Fili had not had a chance to leisurely explore Kili’s body like this. The past few days had been full of Kili doing things to him, or demanding that he do specific things. This was nice, being able to touch and explore what he wanted and at his own pace. He trailed a finger across the bare spot right under Kili’s bottom lip where the stubble didn’t grow. The skin there felt softer, so he felt Kili’s cheek for comparison. He gasped and pulled his hand back when he saw Kili open his eyes.

With a sleepy smile, Kili asked him, “What are you doing?”

“Nothing!” Fili shook his head, burying his face against Kili’s chest again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Don’t be sorry for touching me,” Kili told him. He captured Fili’s hand, holding it against his chest. “I love it when you do.”

Risking a quick look at Kili’s face, all Fili saw was an encouraging smile. Kili relaxed again, closing his eyes and releasing Fili’s hand.

Fili left his hand on Kili’s chest, but he was hesitant to resume his exploration before he reasoned that Kili liked it. He lightly ran the tips of his fingers across the skin under his hand, feeling the drag of the hair there. He followed the trail of hair down Kili’s abdomen. He stopped when he reached the navel, swirling a finger around. He heard Kili’s breath catch, so he did it again, trying to get another reaction.

Instead, Kili’s stomach growled loudly. Kili huffed a small laugh and pressed a hand over his stomach.

“You didn’t eat earlier,” Fili realized. He’d been caught up in listening to Kili talk to him while he had eaten his own breakfast. He didn’t notice Kili hadn’t eaten, and now he felt bad.

“Are you hungry? I’ll make some lunch if you like,” Kili said.

Fili wasn’t hungry, but he didn’t want to say so. He shrugged instead, saying, “If you are hungry we can go ahead and eat.”

With a quick kiss, Kili urged Fili to move so he could rise. Fili sat with his knees drawn up and wrapped in the blanket, watching as Kili fixed them lunch. Kili was chattering about the deer, and how he had the things to make a cobbler, and he was going to start a roast so it would be ready for them later.

Closing his eyes, Fili listened and pretended he was at home listening to Kili talk about his day. The illusion was ruined when he leaned his head forward against his knees, causing the skin on his back to pull tight and making the scrapes on his knees ache. Kili’s voice faded to background noise while he inspected his hands where he had damaged them by beating on the rough stone.

It had been stupid and futile. He knew he couldn’t break stone with his bare hands, or by throwing himself at it. All he had done was hurt himself and anger Kili. There would be no getting out of this collar or this room unless Kili allowed it.

And he couldn’t blame Kili for not allowing it. He had turned on Kili at the first opportunity. Then he couldn’t even be left alone without badly hurting himself, even when Kili had told him time and again not to do that. He pulled the blanket tighter around himself so he wouldn’t have to see the evidence of his failure painted across his body. He fought the prickle of tears gathering in his eyes. He was sick of crying, and Kili was probably sick of seeing it. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself before he completely lost his composure again.

He was startled out of his thoughts when Kili offered him a plate. He hadn’t even realized lunch was ready. He took it and watched as Kili sat next to him. Kili must have been hungry, because he ate quickly. Fili picked at his food. He wasn’t all that hungry, and his coordination was still off from the drugged wine. Plus his vision was still blurry and that made it even harder to try and eat.

Of course Kili noticed. Fili ended up sitting between Kili’s legs, leaning back against his chest. Kili coaxed him into eating almost everything on his plate before he finally turned away. He hadn’t been hungry in the first place, not really. He just wanted Kili to quit giving him that concerned look. He wanted Kili to quit worrying.

“Lie down on your stomach and let me see your back,” Kili said as he set the plates aside.

“I’ll be fine,” Fili said. He didn’t want to move.

Kili was insistent, however. He poked and prodded until Fili lay down without the blanket.

First Kili looked at Fili’s hands. He hopped up and went to the packs. He found the salve they had in case one of them got hurt and brought it back over to Fili. Taking one of Fili’s hands, he gently applied the salve to the wounds.

Fili closed his eyes, allowing Kili to manipulate him and apply the medication. It was cool on his abraded skin and felt nice. Kili doctored his hands, shoulder, hip, and the cut on the side of his face.

When Fili looked up, Kili didn’t appear angry. He couldn’t read the look on Kili’s face, and it made him nervous.

Kili ran a hand down his back and he jumped. He didn’t know he had hurt his back that badly. Kili ran his hand down his back, harder this time, making him arch his back a little.

“You have welts on your back,” Kili said.

That explained why it hurt. Fili rolled his shoulders, feeling the pull of his skin. Kili put a hand on the back of his neck. Although the touch was light, Fili knew that hand meant that Kili wanted him to be still.

A finger traced one of the welts on his back, making him break out in gooseflesh. It didn’t hurt, exactly. It felt strange. When Kili pinched the welt, rolling it between his fingers, then it started to hurt. Kili applied more pressure and Fili gasped and pulled away. The hand on the back of his neck pressed harder until he relaxed again.

“I like this,” Kili whispered. He ran a finger over a welt at the top of Fili’s thigh. “I like seeing you marked like this, knowing that I did it.”

Fili didn’t know what to say, so he turned his face away. He held still while fingers traced over his back, ass, and thighs, following the pattern of raised flesh. He shivered when Kili leaned down and licked his back. When Kili sucked one of the stripes into his mouth and bit it, Fili couldn’t stop the small pained sound he made. Kili bit harder and pinched with his fingers, making Fili writhe from the pain.

That seemed to satisfy Kili, because he released the tender flesh and pulled away. He applied the salve to the welts on Fili’s back. If he rubbed harder than necessary, Fili did his best to ignore it.

When he was done, Kili covered Fili with the blanket again. Fili watched as Kili placed the salve back in the pack and started digging things out, apparently planning on cooking something else.

“Do you want some tea?” Kili asked.

“Yes, please.” Fili hadn’t even noticed how thirsty he was. Now that Kili mentioned tea, he felt parched.

When the tea was done, Kili brought a mug over to Fili. Fili held it in both hands, enjoying the warmth and aroma before he took a sip.

“Drink that, then you should rest,” Kili told him. “You still look a little out of it.”

Fili couldn’t argue with that. He certainly felt out of it. He was cold and tired, and things still didn’t seem quite real.

“Will you lay down with me?” Fili didn’t look up from his mug when he asked. He didn’t want Kili to see the need in his face. He couldn’t keep it entirely out of his voice as it was.

“Let me get the roast started, then I’ll join you. How does that sound?” Kili ran a hand over his hair.

It was better than nothing, so Fili nodded agreement. He pulled the blanket tighter around him when Kili moved away. Taking small sips from the mug, he tried to make the tea last until Kili was done.

Kili finished what he was doing and built the fire up more. Fili finished his tea and made room for him.

“Do you want more to drink?” Kili asked, standing in front of Fili.

“No, let’s lay down for a while.” Fili smiled when Kili lay down. He curled over on his side, letting Kili spoon close behind him. He fell asleep while Kili was tracing the marks on his back with a light touch.

 

 


	12. Sin

you give me the reason  
you give me control  
I gave you my purity  
my purity you stole  
did you think I wouldn't recognize this compromise  
Am I just too stupid to realize  
stale incense old sweat and lies lies lies  
it comes down to this  
your kiss  
your fist  
and your strain  
it gets under my skin  
within  
take in the extent of my sin  
you give me the anger  
you give me the nerve  
carry out my sentence  
I get what I deserve  
I'm just an effigy to be defaced  
to be disgraced  
your need for me has been replaced  
and if I can't have everything well then just give me a taste  
it comes down to this  
your kiss  
your fist  
and your strain  
it gets under my skin  
within  
take in the extent of my sin

 

Fili woke slowly. He was warm and safe in Kili’s arms, face pressed into Kili’s neck, surrounded by the smell of home. The blanket was wrapped around them both, and warm hands were lightly tracing up and down Fili’s back. He flung a leg over Kili’s hip and nuzzled closer.

“Are you awake?” Kili whispered.

Shaking his head no, Fili scooted until they were pressed chest to chest. He felt, more than heard, the rumble of Kili’s soft laugh. He smiled and placed a gentle kiss against Kili’s throat. The hands on his back paused for a moment, and then went back to trailing fingers up and down his spine.

He nipped at Kili’s jaw, nosing until Kili tilted back to oblige him. Fili licked at Kili’s neck, lightly biting then sucking a bruise into the sensitive skin. He bit again, smiling when he felt Kili shudder. He mouthed his way up Kili’s neck until he could suck an earlobe into his mouth.

Fili gasped when Kili slid a leg between his thighs, pressing against his erection. He could feel Kili’s hardness rubbing against his hip. He rolled them until he was on top, straddling Kili.

He leaned down and kissed Kili, swallowing his brother’s gasp when he rolled his hips, dragging their cocks together. Kili’s hands slid to grab his hips, and Fili ignored the pain where he was still bruised. He resisted when Kili tried to rock them together again, instead biting Kili’s bottom lip until he got a whimper then kissing the sting away.

“You seem awake to me,” Kili murmured, trying to sound cocky. Fili could hear the breathless need in his voice, however.

“Maybe you’re asleep and dreaming,” Fili teased. He ground down, watching as Kili threw his head back and sucking in a hissing breath at the friction.

Honey colored eyes shined up at him full of love when Kili smiled and told him, ”Don’t wake me up.”

Fili’s laugh was cut off when Kili slid a hand between them, wrapping around him. He sat up to give Kili better access. He was breathing hard when he pulled Kili’s hand away. It felt nice, but Fili wanted more.

He slid down Kili’s body until he was able to lick across a nipple, feeling it harden under the attentions of his lips and tongue. He slid a hand over to toy with the other one until it was equally as hard.

“Fee?”

Fili heard the note of uncertainty in Kili’s voice. He stopped what he was doing and pushed up on his arms until he was no longer pressing against Kili. He didn’t know what had made Kili sound like that, but he didn’t like it. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” The look of heat Kili gave him reassured Fili. It was even better when Kili pulled his head back down, whispering, “Don’t stop.”

Still, Fili resisted for a second to ask, “Are you sure?” When Kili nodded, he allowed his mouth to be guided back to where it had been.

Fili used a hand to mound up the flesh and sucked as much as he could into his mouth. Slowly, listening to Kili’s reaction, he started to bite down. Kili’s breath caught and he fisted a hand into Fili’s hair. Fili started to pull away, but Kili arched his back, pushing up into Fili’s mouth. The hand in his hair pulled him tighter against Kili’s chest. He set his teeth and bit harder, increasing the pressure and listening to Kili gasp. Kili stiffened under him, and he knew it had to be hurting, but the hand on the back of his head didn’t move. Fili quit increasing the pressure, maintaining the bite as it was. Finally Kili pulled him away with a moan.

He glanced up to check and see if Kili was alright. He looked better than alright. His mouth was open, panting for air, his pupils blown huge from desire, and looking at Fili with something near devotion in his gaze.

Fili laved his tongue over the reddened teeth marks in Kili’s flesh. He knew Kili would have a bruise there tomorrow. Kili gasped and arched up against his mouth again, but Fili ignored the silent plea. Instead he started licking his way down Kili’s stomach instead.

“ _Mahal, Fili,”_ Kili moaned when he realized what Fili wanted to do. He carded his fingers through Fili’s hair, tugging a braid to encourage him.

Fili caught his hand and pressed it down to the mattress. He’d only done this to Kili once before, when he was trying to convince him to stay and not leave to go hunting. That time had been desperate and frantic. Now he was determined to take his time to savor and enjoy this, and he wanted Kili to enjoy it too.

By the time he had nosed and licked his way down to Kili’s hip, Kili was hard and leaking, and making little gasping whimpers every time Fili mouthed at a spot for too long. Fili stopped to suck a bruise on Kili’s hipbone, and hid a smile when he saw Kili’s hands fisting and unfurling against the mattress. With that, the mewling sounds, and the way he was arching under every touch, Kili was reminding him of a kitten wanting to be pet.

He decided to have mercy on his brother, and shifted his attention to where he knew Kili wanted it. He didn’t stop to tease. He wanted to taste Kili and feel him in his mouth. He leaned over and slid his mouth down Kili’s cock, drawing as much in as he could.

Kili choked out a curse and lurched up. He propped himself up on his elbows so he could watch.

Fili met his eyes as he slowly drew his mouth off, until he could hold the head in his mouth. When he sucked lightly and tongued the slit, Kili groaned and his head fell back. Fili pulled the rest of the way off and Kili made a disappointed noise.

The noise changed to a gasp when Fili bent his head lower and sucked one of his stones into his mouth. He tried to get them both, but they were too big and wouldn’t fit comfortably. Fili closed his eyes and rolled the delicate flesh around, running his tongue across it and feeling the texture. He switched to the other one, listening to Kili’s breath hitch. When he carefully let it fall from his mouth, Fili nosed the area.

He glanced back up to see Kili watching him. Fili puckered his lips and blew a kiss, then returned his tongue to Kili’s cock. He licked a stripe up from the base to the head, and then mouthed his way back down, sucking at the big vein. When he licked his way back up, Kili bucked his hips and thrust into his mouth. Fili opened his mouth wider and let him.

Kili fisted a hand into Fili’s hair, holding him in place. Watching with wide eyes, Kili rocked his hips up in shallow thrusts into Fili’s mouth. Fili allowed it, but then pulled against the hand in his hair to slide farther down, relaxing his throat and taking Kili as deep as he could. He stayed there until he had to breathe. When he pulled back, he allowed his mouth to remain slack. When Kili’s cock slipped out of his mouth, a string of saliva stretched from the head to his bottom lip. He looked at Kili from under his lashes and licked it away.

With a growl, Kili sat up and jerked Fili to him, catching his mouth in a rough kiss. Fili went willingly, crawling up until he was straddling Kili once more.

“I need to be inside you,” Kili murmured against Fili’s lips. Fili was already nodding his acceptance before Kili had finished talking.

Kili leaned over and grabbed the oil. After a hasty application to himself and Fili, he laid back again, using a hand to line himself up with Fili’s entrance but allowing Fili to take the lead.

Bracing himself with his hands on Kili’s chest, Fili spread his legs wider. He slowly leaned back, gasping when Kili breached him. Kili moved his hand so Fili could sink down.

When Fili bottomed out, he sat upright, throwing his head back. He didn’t move, staying there and breathing hard.

“Okay?” Kili sounded like was skating at the edge of losing control.

Fili didn’t know exactly what Kili was asking. If it was okay to move? If he was okay? If the sex was okay? It didn’t really matter because the answer was all the same. He nodded yes.

Kili grabbed his hips and held him in place. Still deep inside, he rotated his hips, dragging his cock over Fili’s sensitive spot. Fili cried out.

“Fee?” Kili sounded troubled again and quit moving. That was the last thing Fili wanted.

“Okay, it’s okay, I… fuck, Kee, I feel so fucking full and that was intense.” He tried to give Kili a reassuring look, but Kili rolled his hips again. Fili moaned and his eyes fluttered shut.

As nice as that was, it still wasn’t what Fili wanted. Resting a hand against Kili’s chest for balance, he began to move.

This time it was Kili who moaned. His hands convulsed on Fili’s hips, guiding the motion.

Fili reached down with his free hand, fisting his own cock. His eyes flew open and he paused in surprise when Kili batted his hand away.

“I want you to come on me,” Kili nearly snarled. He grabbed Fili’s waist and thrust up hard. “And look at me!”

Fili watched Kili’s face. In contrast to the harsh tone, Kili was looking at him with love and tenderness. He rocked back, meeting Kili thrust for thrust. Kili changed the angle and Fili could feel it dragging across the gland inside of him. He started to throw his head back again, but Kili grabbed his hair, holding him in place.

“Kili,” Fili whispered. He couldn’t say anything else right then. Thankfully Kili knew what he wanted, and kept the same angle, speeding up a bit. Fili kept eye contact with Kili as long as he could, but when he came his eyes involuntarily squeezed shut. It didn’t take long after that for Kili to find his own release.

As the aftershocks faded and the breathing slowed, Kili said, “Gods, I love you, Fee.”

“I love you too,” Fili murmured, opening his eyes and looking at Kili.

Something about Kili’s expression disturbed him. The love and tenderness was still there, along with devotion. There was something under it all, though, that was bothering Fili. Kili caught his hand, bringing it up for a kiss to the palm. That’s when Fili realized what the look was.

It was the same look that he had seen on the faces of fanatics talking about their gods. It was a look of reverence, of worship. It was the look that Kili had given him when he was first learning to walk. Kili would look at him with such love and trust then let go of the table, leaning forward and barreling across the room, knowing that Fili would be there with arms wide open to catch him. And Fili had always caught him, laughing and tickling Kili, encouraging him and never letting him fall.

Until now.

Fili was hit in the chest by a bloom of self-loathing so harsh that it stole his breath. What was he doing? He had sworn to always be there for his baby brother, to take care of him, to support him. Even their mother would say she never worried about Kili, because Fili was always there.

Except now. Now he was too busy fucking his little brother to take care of him.

Flashes of his mother, Thorin, Dwalin, all their friends and family ran through his mind. In his thoughts they all turned away from him with looks of disgust and revulsion. No. When they found out what he had done to Kili, they wouldn’t just turn away. They would repudiate him, cast him off and away, strike his name from the family tree and deny his very existence.

And he would deserve every bit of it. What older brother would take advantage of a younger sibling like this? Kili trusted him, relied on him. Kili was sick, he needed help. And Fili was having sex with him.

“What’s wrong?” Kili asked.

Fili was unaware he had started to tremble until Kili ran a hand down his arm. Looking into Kili’s earnest, loving face, he couldn’t speak. He shook his head, and moved so he was no longer on Kili. He had to move slowly, or he thought he might vomit. What was wrong with him?

“Fee?” Kili sat up. He reached out and brushed a lock of hair out of Fili’s face.

Fili was still too close. Now he was shaking too badly to stand and didn’t trust his legs to hold him up. Cautiously, he crawled away, as far as he could get from Kili. When he reached the end of the chain he stopped. He sat on the floor, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. He lowered his head, hiding behind his hair, and closed his eyes. He struggled to breathe past the knot in his throat.

“What’s wrong with you, Fili?” Kili walked to Fili and laid a hand on his shoulder.

Fili didn’t hear the concern and worry in Kili’s voice. All he could hear was the accusation in the echo of his own thoughts. At the light touch on his shoulder, he panicked.

“ _No!_ Don’t touch me!” Fili yelled as he jerked away. “It’s sick! It’s disgusting! _You’re sick!”_

Fili was too caught up in his hatred of himself to see the expressions flit across Kili’s face. Hurt, anger and insecurity chased each other. When they settled, the anger had won.

Kili grabbed the chain, jerking the collar tight around Fili’s neck and cutting off his air. Grabbing Fili’s hair with his other hand, he jerked Fili back.

Unable to breathe, Fili’s hands flew to the collar, trying to get enough slack to quit choking. The pain in his scalp dimly registered as Kili pulled him. He tried to get his feet under him, but Kili yanked again. One more heave and Kili threw him against the wall.

His back and head slammed into the jagged stone. The impact dazed him. Fili was busy trying to catch his breath when Kili pulled his head forward again.

It was only when he saw the look of fury on Kili’s face that Fili realized how his words must have sounded. A spike of fear shot through him. He tried to say something but wound up having a coughing fit. He was still gasping while Kili jerked his hands to the small of his back and shackled him to the wall.

“Wait,” Fili managed to rasp out, but he started coughing again. It hurt and he wondered if something in his throat had been damaged.

Kili paid no attention. He stood and went to the other side of the room. Grabbing the keys and a pair of trousers, he left without looking back, slamming the door behind him.

 


	13. Burn

Something inside of me  
has opened up its eyes  
why did you put it there?  
Did you not realize?  
This thing inside of me  
it screams the loudest sound  
sometimes I think I could  
Burn

 

With his hands bound behind him, shackled to the wall, Fili couldn’t even lay down. His back hurt from the impact against the wall earlier, so he couldn’t lean back comfortably. He ended up sitting cross-legged, hunching forward a bit.

He felt horrible. He wouldn’t blame Kili for abandoning him here and never coming back. Some brother he had turned out to be. His mind was racing, turning over options. He didn’t have many. Right now his only option was to sit and wait. If Kili came back – when Kili came back, he’d try to explain that he didn’t think Kili was disgusting. No, that spot was reserved for himself.

A muscle in his shoulder twitched. Fili realized that if he had to be stuck here, this position was going to get painful soon. His mouth twisted in a bitter smile. It was no more than he deserved.

It wasn’t long before Kili returned, though. Fili looked up at the sound of the door. He watched Kili come in and lock the door behind him. After hanging up the keys, Kili went and poked at the fire.

“Kili,” Fili started to say, but had to stop to cough. His throat hurt and his voice sounded awful.

“Be quiet,” Kili told him.

“Listen for a second,” Fili tried again. He still sounded hoarse.

“Shut up or I’ll gag you, Fili,” Kili said. He looked up and asked, “Understand?”

Fili stared at him. Kili had always been so demonstrative, with a happy bright smile or dramatic scowl. You could usually read Kili’s moods like a book. Not now. He had never seen his brother so expressionless, and it scared him. They looked at each other until Fili realized Kili was waiting for an answer. He nodded, and Kili turned back to the fire.

Now Kili didn’t even want to talk to him. Maybe that was for the best, since he seemed to be making things worse. He didn’t think he had ever felt so ashamed. Being a brother was not hard, so how could he have botched the job so completely? He let his head hang down, hair falling to obscure his face. He realized he was crying when a tear ran down his nose and he couldn’t wipe it away.

When Kili’s feet appeared in his line of vision, Fili didn’t look up. Kili smelled of fresh air, sunshine, river water and soap. It made Fili feel worse, smelling of stale sweat, tear tracks on his face, and uncomfortably aware he hadn’t had a chance to clean up after sex. He squeezed his eyes shut. A light touch on his shoulder made him flinch.

Kili sighed and went back to the packs. Fili heard him move things around, then return.

“Here,” Kili said.

Fili looked up and saw Kili was holding the skin of drugged wine. He didn’t say anything, but shook his head no.

“Only a swallow. You’re too tense and it will relax you.” Kili uncorked it and held the spout to Fili’s mouth.

Pressing his lips shut, Fili jerked his head away. He shook his head no again.

“I don’t want you knocked out, Fili. But you’re not getting out of those shackles until you take a drink.”

Fili studied Kili’s face. He realized that Kili was close to losing his temper. When the muscle in Kili’s jaw started to jump, he reluctantly nodded.

Taking the offered spout, Fili tried to only take a small sip. Kili squeezed the skin, however, flooding his mouth. He involuntarily gulped down the wine, gagging and coughing. After he quit sputtering, he shot Kili a dirty look.

Kili paid no attention. He put the wine away and returned to the fire. He set a kettle of water on to heat, and then picked up a chunk of wood, and started to whittle something.

Fili watched out of the corner of his eye. Kili had gotten the wood to look something like a dog, or maybe a horse, by the time the now-familiar dizziness hit. A lassitude spread through his limbs and he blinked. He thought about telling Kili that his whittling had never been good, but then he remembered the threat to gag him.

A snap, and Fili saw that Kili had broken one of the legs off of his dog-horse thing. He couldn’t help but snort when Kili tossed it in the fire. He watched it burn while Kili rose and walked over to him.

“Feeling better?” Kili asked.

He didn’t want to admit it, but he did feel better. He was dizzy and thirsty, but the tension in his shoulders had lessened. He shrugged and closed his eyes.   He heard Kili rustling around, and then a hand on his chin lifted his head.

Kili unlocked the collar, moving Fili’s hair so he could set it aside. Fili kept his eyes closed as Kili inspected his neck, wiping it with a dampened cloth. He broke out in gooseflesh when fingers trailed across his throat. He had grown accustomed to the weight. Being without the collar was making him feel exposed.

“You have some bruising, but I don’t think anything is damaged,” Kili told him, sounding subdued.

Fili didn’t move as Kili replaced the collar. He didn’t respond when Kili cupped his face, wiping the tear tracks away. When the shackles were unlocked, he finally opened his eyes. Bringing his arms around, he rubbed his wrists as he watched Kili make a mug of tea heavily laced with honey.

“Drink this,” Kili told him, handing him the mug.

The warm drink felt good, soothing his abused throat. Fili sipped it, taking care not to spill. When it was gone, Kili took the mug back.

“Lay down on your stomach,” Kili said.

Fili did as commanded. Kili began cleaning his back with the washcloth, inspecting the damage there. Fili pillowed his head on his arms and closed his eyes. Kili was being gentle and it felt good.

When he was done, Kili kissed Fili’s back and said, “It’s a little hypocritical for me to complain if you hurt yourself and then do something like that. I’m sorry.”

Fili didn’t move, but couldn’t stop the shiver when Kili licked up his spine. Kili shifted, blanketing Fili’s back and nosing at his neck. He took one of Fili’s arms, raising it to the shackles. Fili tensed, but didn’t struggle. It wouldn’t do any good.

Instead of latching the cuff shut, Kili held it in place against Fili’s wrist. Fili clenched his hand, fighting the impulse to jerk away. He watched, waiting for the cuff to snap shut.

“Would it be easier for you like this?” Kili murmured against the back of his neck. “I could restrain you and do what I want. Then you could tell yourself that you didn’t want it. That there was nothing you could do.”

A hand ghosted down his side, over his hip, and came to rest at the top of his thigh. Fili bit his lip, feeling his pulse speed up and thump in his throat. At this point he didn’t know if it was from anxiety or arousal. He kept watching the cuff.

“You could tell yourself that you couldn’t stop me,” Kili continued. “That you didn’t like it.”

Kili’s fingers twitched on the cuff and Fili made a small sound that was almost a whimper. His hand was shaking with the effort not to pull away.

Nuzzling Fili’s ear, Kili whispered, “We both know it would be a lie.” He let go of Fili’s wrist, releasing the cuff as well.

Fili exhaled a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. Disappointment and relief mixed with the anxiety and arousal. He couldn’t think with that drug in his system, and all this wasn’t helping.

“What do you want from me?” Fili blurted out, voice still hoarse.

“I want you to admit you love me,” Kili said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He licked the shell of Fili’s ear.

“I’ve told you I love you. I don’t know how many times I’ve told you.”

“I know. I don’t need you to admit it to me. I need you to admit it to yourself.” With that Kili kissed his ear again and got up.

Fili was stunned. He didn’t know what he expected Kili to say, but that wasn’t it. He sat up as Kili brought him a bucket with warm water in it so he could clean up. He took the washcloth and did so, but it was automatic.

Earlier his mind had been racing. Now it felt like it was stuck. Did he love Kili?

Well, of course he loved Kili. Kili was his brother. He’d loved Kili since the first time he felt his mother’s stomach move and she told him there was a baby in there. Loving his brother was like breathing, like washing up, something he did without thinking.

He finished and wrapped up in the blanket. He watched as Kili fussed with the roast he had put on to cook earlier, checking to see if it was ready.

Was he in love with Kili? He didn’t know. That was the plain truth of it, he didn’t know. He’d never been in love before. He had nothing he could hold up to his feelings in comparison.

As Kili set about making more tea, he was humming something under his breath. He saw Fili watching him and smiled before he went back to what he was doing. At times like this, when Kili was acting more like his usual self, then Fili thought that it could be love. He could easily see sharing a life with his brother.

Was that what Kili had picked up on? Is that what had started this? Had he been carrying desire for his brother all along, buried so deeply that even he didn’t know it?

Fili ran a hand through his hair, pulling at the tangles. His head ached and he wanted to take a nap. The drug was still making him lethargic.

Male dwarves outnumbered female dwarves and two males becoming life mates was a common occurrence. Of course none of those dwarves were Thorin’s heir. They wouldn’t be expected to marry someone chosen for a political advantage and produce heirs.

That’s why Fili had never been in love. He broke off any dalliance if his partner showed signs of becoming too attached. It seemed cruel to pursue a relationship when he knew that nothing could come of it. He had dreamed about it, of course. Having someone he cared about, and who cared about him in return, not just for whatever was negotiated on paper but as two individuals. Now Kili was here, dangling love in front of him like a carrot on a stick.

And that brought him back to his original question: Did he love Kili?

He sighed, and Kili glanced at him, quirking an eyebrow. Fili waved the silent question away.

Sometimes Kili scared him. He didn’t like it when his brother’s eyes flashed dark and he became angry. He liked it even less when Kili grew cold and expressionless like he was earlier.

“I’m sorry,” Fili said. When Kili looked up at him, he clarified, “For earlier. I’m sorry. I don’t think you are disgusting.”

Kili finished making a plate, and brought it to Fili. When he handed it over, he said, “Why don’t we forget that happened, yeah? I know you are under a lot of stress right now. Eat that.”

Grateful, Fili nodded. He was relieved that Kili wasn’t angry and they didn’t have to discuss it anymore.

The drugs made him clumsy, fumbling with the utensils. He wound up in Kili’s lap once more, being fed. Fili didn’t mind. Kili’s lap was warm and made him feel safe. When they were done eating, he started to doze off against Kili’s chest.

“You wanna lie down, Fee?” Kili asked, kissing the top of his head.

Clinging to Kili, Fili murmured, “Don’t leave.”

“I’ll lay down with you, okay?”

Fili nodded. Half asleep already, he allowed himself to be maneuvered until he was beside Kili. He curled up and Kili spooned around his back.

“I love you, Fee.”

“Love you too.” But Fili didn’t know if he actually said it, or if it was a dream.

 

 


	14. Maybe Just Once

I can't believe that what I feel is finally happening to me.  
Make it hurt.  
And point the finger at my insecurities.  
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind.  
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind.  
  
Maybe. Maybe just once. I get what's coming.  
Maybe. Maybe just once. I get what's coming to me.  
  
So once again the way you feel will never ever stay the same.  
And I'm to blame.  
I wonder just who made the rules up for this game.  
Well I guess I just don't understand about what you want and what you need.  
And I guess I just don't understand about why this is how it has to be.

 

Kili had woken him yesterday to tell him there was a bath ready. While Fili was bathing, Kili had slipped out the door without a word. He had stayed gone for hours, and when he returned all he did was sit by the fire. He didn’t say another word to Fili for the rest of the day. He only acknowledged Fili’s presence when they went to bed. He kissed Fili’s forehead then rolled away. Fili fell asleep staring at Kili’s back.

This morning, Fili was alone when he woke. Kili couldn’t have been gone long because there was a mug of tea, still warm, within reach. There was also some food and a water skin. Fili drank the tea but didn’t eat. His stomach was knotted with anxiety, and he told himself that Kili would have said something if he was planning to be away a while.

It was about three hours, judging by the fire burning down, before Kili came back. He didn’t say anything to Fili. Kili put something on the fire to cook, then grabbed a whetstone and a knife. Settling beside the fire once more, he started to sharpen the knife with long, sure strokes of the stone.

Fili felt like the knife was dragging across his spine. Every scraping sound seemed to twist in his gut. He pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. Why wasn’t Kili speaking to him? The sound of the stone across steel only accented the heavy silence between strokes. Fili caught himself holding his breath, waiting for the sound every time it paused as Kili flipped the knife over.

Was Kili angry with him? He hadn’t seemed upset. Fili cast his mind back over the past few days, wondering if he had done something else to anger his brother. They had hardly spoken since his ill-timed outburst. Yet Kili had said he wasn’t mad. He had apologized, and Kili said he was forgiven. He couldn’t think of what else it might be.

Fili had been surreptitiously watching Kili, but now he had given up pretense and was openly staring. He watched Kili flip the knife over once more, and exhaled when the grating noise started again. He tried to relax when he realized he was so tense his toes were digging into the mattress.

Ten grinding strokes of the stone, each noise grinding against his nerves. A pause while Kili flipped the knife over to keep the edge even. Ten more slow, grinding strokes. Another pause. Fili watched, and Kili never once let his attention lapse from the knife.

He had no idea why it was bothering him so badly. Fili was used to the sound of a whetstone. He couldn’t begin to guess how many hours he himself had used one, sharpening his knives and swords while he joked with Kili or Thorin, talked about training with Dwalin, or listened to his friends tease one another. He held his breath again, listening to the silence as Kili turned the knife.

That was it. The silence. That was what was troubling him. He watched Kili test the blade’s edge and return to the whetstone. It must not be sharp enough. Fili noted that Kili never glanced his way.

Again the scraping sound echoed across Fili’s nerves, making him shiver. Kili never ignored him. Normally, Kili would be joking and laughing, or nodding seriously as he listened, or rolling his eyes and giving Fili a wink at a friend’s bragging. Kili never acted as if Fili simply wasn’t there. Now, Kili might as well be alone.

Another pause, and the silence seemed to weigh on Fili. His fingers dug into his knees as he watched Kili turn the knife. When the noise started again, he took a deep breath. One of his knees started to ache. He let go and stretched his legs out in front of him, one hand going to his mouth. He nibbled at his thumbnail, hardly noticing the habit he had dropped as a dwarfling.

More scraping sounds, and Fili thought he was going to scream. He stood up and paced back and forth. Kili sat there sharpening that knife, and paid no attention to Fili.

Maybe Kili wasn’t consciously keeping quiet. Maybe he wanted Fili to say something first. Fili’s mind raced, trying to think of something to say to cut through the awkwardness he felt.

“Why are you ignoring me?” That wasn’t what he intended to say. He certainly didn’t intend to half shout it. And stomping his foot wasn’t planned either. Still, Fili stood there with his hands fisted, glaring at Kili.

Kili didn’t look up. Fili watched as he carefully set the knife and whetstone aside. Kili sat staring at his hands.

“Well?” Fili asked, this time in a more normal tone of voice. He may not have meant to ask, but now that he did he wanted an answer. “Why are you ignoring me?”

“Ignoring you?” Kili still stared at his hands. Fili had to strain to hear him, he was talking so low.

“Yes! You haven’t said a word to me all day! You won’t even look at me.”

Kili stood, and looked up. Fili fell back a step from the intensity in that gaze. When Kili came closer, he fell back again, stumbling over the mattress. He reminded himself that there was nowhere for him to run, and stood, watching as Kili stalked closer.

“I haven’t been ignoring you. I’ve been trying to let you have some space. Give you some time,” Kili told him, coming closer still.

The look on Kili’s face was starting to become overwhelming. Fili dropped his eyes to Kili’s chest to escape it. He felt like he was being hunted.

Kili stopped in front of him. “Is it ignoring you when you are all I can think about? When you are all that I want? When I daydream about the way you taste, the sounds you make, the touch of your skin?” He reached out.

Bracing himself for the bruising grip he expected, Fili closed his eyes. He sucked in a breath in surprise when Kili lightly traced fingers over his collarbone. He kept his eyes closed when those fingers ran down his arm.

“I close my eyes and I see you,” Kili murmured, stepping close enough to be a line of heat at Fili’s chest.

When fingertips ghosted across his jaw, Fili shivered and opened his eyes. He saw Kili smiling back at him. The same look of devotion which previously made him hate himself was on Kili’s face. Only this time it reassured Fili, letting him know Kili still loved him, hadn’t tired of him.

Cupping Fili’s face in his hands, Kili told him, “You are my god, and your body is the altar at which I worship. You are my liege lord, and I swear to you my fealty. You are my big brother and I will follow where you lead. I could never,” Kili kissed his left cheek, “ever,” Kili kissed his right cheek, “ignore you. I love you, Fili.”

Fili closed his eyes when Kili kissed him. The kiss was light, a mere brush of lips, until he lifted his hands and allowed them to rest on Kili’s waist and deepened it.

Kili made a noise and closed the remaining distance between them, pressing against Fili. He trailed his mouth along Fili’s jaw, leaving feathery kisses until he could take Fili’s earlobe into his mouth.

Tilting his head, Fili enjoyed the touch, running his hands up under Kili’s shirt to caress the warm skin he found. Kili’s silence over the past few days had left him feeling insecure, but he smiled when he felt the hard length pressing against his hip. He was glad for the tangible proof that Kili still wanted him.

Kili turned his attentions to Fili’s neck. A light bite made the blond shiver and Kili chuckled. Leaning back a bit so he could look into Fili’s face, Kili murmured, “It’s only appropriate if I’m on my knees to worship my golden god, isn’t it?”

Opening his eyes, Fili blinked in confusion until Kili slid down his body and knelt in front of him. He had already been half hard, but the sight of Kili looking up at him and licking his lips had Fili hardening the rest of the way almost painfully fast. He brushed Kili’s unruly hair back and bit his lip at the expression on his brother’s face. Lust, adoration, devotion and love all mixed there, plain to see.

Fili gasped and let his head fall back when Kili began using his tongue. The little kitten licks up the underside of his cock only made him want more. He leaned forward again and opened his eyes so he could watch. Fili carded his fingers through Kili’s hair and the brunet gave him a smile. Fili smiled back, and Kili’s mouth slid down. He gave a tug and gasped when he felt his cock bump the back of Kili’s throat. Kili swallowed, constricting the wet heat around him, and he groaned. He laid his hands over Kili’s on his hips as Kili’s head started to bob.

Fili grumbled when Kili pulled away, but went eagerly when he was pulled down to the mattress. After a long kiss, Kili urged Fili around until he was on his hands and knees. Kili reached over and grabbed the vial of oil then positioned himself behind Fili.

“Oh!” The surprised, breathy word was the only sound Fili was capable of making when, instead of the fingers he had been expecting, Kili licked a wet stripe across his entrance. He heard Kili laugh, and thought to remonstrate before all thought was driven from his mind by Kili’s tongue.

That tongue, along with lips and an occasional light nip of teeth, mapped out every crease, fold, and smooth patch of skin. Fili keened when the slick muscle hardened and pushed forward, barely breaching him. It wasn’t nearly enough and at the same time it was too much. He mindlessly pushed back, rocking into Kili’s face.

Kili’s hands traced up the back of his thighs and ran over his ass, stopping to pull him apart. That tongue slid farther into him, licking him open. Fili’s arms started to tremble. Kili slid his hands closer together until he could rub over Fili’s entrance with his thumb then slipped both thumbs into him, pulling him open. When he felt the tongue slide into the exposed gap, Fili squealed. His arms gave out, and Fili was face down on the mattress, ass in the air, hardly able to breathe and about to come. When Kili pulled away, he whined.

A gentle push and Fili was lying face down. Kili shucked his clothes and crawled up until he was straddling Fili’s legs. Fili rolled his hips and felt Kili’s hard length slide between his cheeks. Kili rocked, changing the angle so the blunt heat would catch on Fili’s rim, then pull away, tormenting.

“Fuck me already!” Fili demanded, unable to take much more. He braced himself and pushed back, but Kili laughed and pulled away.

“Is it really so hard to say please?” Kili rocked his hips again, angling so he was pushing against Fili without entering him.

“Please?” Fili asked as he tried to push back.

“I like the sound of that,” Kili murmured. Laying down on Fili, pinning him with weight, he demanded, “Beg me.”

“Please fuck me,” Fili said, needing no more urging than then feeling of Kili against him. He rolled his hips again, feeling the friction from the blanket under him, and Kili above him. He said please again, and then it turned into a mindless chant as Kili pressed harder, sinking into him. He gasped when Kili bottomed out, panting when Kili froze. After his body adjusted, another murmured plea had Kili moving.

Kili caught Fili’s hands, twining their fingers together. With that and the weight against his back, he could hardly move. Already sensitized, Fili cried out when Kili changed the angle again, dragging across the spot inside of him. Kili kissed the side of his face, sticking to a slow, torturous pace. He cried out again, and Kili released one of his hands. When he felt a finger trace his bottom lip, Fili used his tongue to draw it into his mouth.

With that, his entire world became Kili. The feel of him inside and pressing him down into the mattress, sweat slicking their skin. The air smelled of lust, damp and warm. When he opened his eyes all he could see was a curtain of chestnut hair. He clenched and Kili groaned in his ear, making him shudder. He used his free hand to draw another finger into his mouth, sucking at them for the taste, having to stop to pant around them when Kili thrust harder.

Fili came with a cry that was almost a scream. Kili didn’t stop and Fili writhed under him. Kili came silently, but Fili whimpered at the pulsing deep inside of him. They stayed there until their breathing returned to normal. Kili pushed Fili’s hair back from where it was sticking to his face and kissed him before rolling away.

Without moving, Fili watched as Kili moistened a cloth and returned. He allowed Kili to spread his legs and sit between them.

“I love seeing you like this,” Kili told him. “Ruined and marked, knowing that I did it.”

Fili gasped when he felt a finger scoop up the seed leaking from him and push it back inside. It felt good but he was still too sensitive. He whined and squirmed when Kili did it again. Kili chuckled and stopped, wiping him off instead. Fili grumbled when Kili made him roll over, but he did it anyway. Kili finished cleaning him off and tossed the towel aside.

“I think you’ve killed me,” Fili lay sprawled on his back. He groaned when Kili laid down on him, nestling between his legs and kissing his forehead.

“For a dead dwarf, you are awfully vocal,” Kili observed, kissing his forehead again.

Opening his eyes, he squinted at Kili and asked, “Is that a complaint?” He wriggled his hips, smiling as he drew a groan from Kili.

“Nope. I like the sounds you make,” Kili said with a smile. Suddenly growing serious, he said, “I love you.”

Before Fili could reply, Kili laid a hand over his mouth. Fili looked up, and Kili looked back at him with that look of trust and adoration. Fili knew he didn’t deserve that look, but he was coming to appreciate it for the gift that it was.

“No,” Kili told him, as if he had argued. “Listen to me. I love you, Fee.” He kissed Fili’s forehead, and murmured, “I need you to accept that.”

Fili frowned, confused.

Kili saw the look and told him, “I need you to accept that I love you. I’d kill for you. I’d _die_ for you. I love feeling you under me, and I love being able to make you scream and moan like a whore. And you love it too.” Kili smiled at him and Fili couldn’t help but smile back, even though Kili’s hand was still over his mouth. “I love you and under all this, I am still your little brother.”

Suddenly Fili couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t move. The smile on his lips died. His breath hitched, caught in his throat. Why couldn’t have Kili just punched him? It would have been less painful. Looking up at Kili, his eyes filled with tears.

Seeing Kili look back at him with patience and love revolted him. How could Kili even stand to be in the same room with him? His gorge rose and he struggled not to gag as he shoved Kili away from him. Kili frowned, but moved so he was no longer pinning Fili down.

As soon as he was free, Fili rolled on to his side, away from Kili. Gasping, trying to catch his breath, he started to cry. When a hand rubbed his shoulder he jerked away, snapping “Don’t touch me!” The hand pulled away and he curled into a ball, miserable. He covered his face with his hands.

Fili muttered, “Don’t touch me, Kee. I’m a monster.” He lost all composure and started to sob.

Kili paid no heed, pulling him around and tugging until Fili was curled up with him, face buried into Kili’s broad chest. Fili tried to make him stop, weakly pushing at him, trying to say he was going to get Kili dirty, contaminate him, that he was sick and Fili was taking advantage of it. Kili ignored all this, hugging Fili close, making soothing sounds and humming tunelessly.

Fili was still sickened, disgusted with himself. He was a bastard and shouldn’t be touching his brother. But he was also miserable, and selfish enough to accept the comfort that Kili offered.

His sobs tapered, quieting until there was only an occasional hitching in his breath. He couldn’t seem to stop the tears streaming down his face, and Kili’s chest was wet with them. Kili didn’t seem to mind, running hands up and down Fili’s back and still humming.

Fili knew he should move, get away from Kili. He couldn’t. Kili was the only good thing left in his life, and he was too weak to give him up. Instead of pushing Kili away, he clung to him and cried himself into a troubled sleep.

 

 


	15. Suck

There is no god up in the sky tonight  
No sign of heaven anywhere in sight  
All that was true is left behind  
Once I could see now I am blind  
Don't want your dreams you try to sell  
This disease I give to myself  
  
How does it feel?  
I am so dirty on the inside

 

 

Fili knelt on the ground in front of Thorin. He had lost track of how long he had been here, but it was long enough for his knees to go beyond painful and become numb. The floor of the throne room was hard and unforgiving. Thorin’s voice was even more unforgiving than the floor. Fili fought not to cringe under the weight of the accusation in the tone.

Thorin was listing past events from Fili’s life. Bathing with Kili, teaching him how to swim, going skinny dipping, sneaking out of the house to go to the tavern, giving him little treats or the bigger dessert, allowing Kili to get his own way more often than not. A hundred little things that should have been harmless moments between children. Instead, in light of everything now, it looked like he was corrupting and grooming his baby brother.

One by one, his family and friends turned their backs on him. He saw the looks they gave him, full of disgust and disappointment. They all walked away before he had a chance to say anything in his own defense. But really, what could he say? Everything was true. He had done everything he was accused of. There was no denying it. Fili stared at the floor, ashamed.

The voice finally stopped. Fili looked up and Kili was standing in front of him. Kili stared at him with that horrible blank look, then turned and walked away.

“Kee, wait! You can’t leave me too!” Fili said. He tried to stand but his legs were cramped. He couldn’t get up. “Wait!”

Fili turned back to the throne, intending to use it to stand up. Thorin was gone, and on the throne were the collar and shackles.

“No!” Fili threw himself backward with a shout. It felt like he was falling in slow motion. He hit the floor with a jolt.

He opened his eyes with a gasp and realized he had been dreaming. He sat up and ran a shaking hand over his face. Just a dream, he tried to reassure himself. He knew that, but he couldn’t quit shaking.

He looked over at Kili, on his back and snoring slightly. The fire had died down, but there was still enough light to see Kili’s profile. All he could see was how young and peaceful Kili looked sleeping there. Fili couldn’t count how many times he had watched over Kili in the night when they were dwarflings. Kili would say he couldn’t sleep, and crawl into bed with him. Every time, he would hold Kili, whispering stories until his baby brother was sound asleep, and watch him until he dozed off too.

When the fire flared, a glint caught his eye. Frowning, he saw the shackles hanging on the wall. He sighed and looked away, only to see the keys hanging in their place beside the door. He looked back at Kili and the shackles.

All of this could be over in a few days. He scooted closer to the wall, being careful not to wake Kili. He could end this. No more nightmares, no more worries, no more self-loathing. It would end for Kili too. Peace and rest for both of them.

Reaching out, he traced a finger over one of the cuffs, watching the dim light reflect off of it. All he had to do was latch it around Kili’s wrist. It was attached to the wall. He could probably get both of them fastened before Kili was awake enough to fight back. Even if he only got one, Kili couldn’t get away. With the keys out of reach, there would be no escape for either of them.

It wouldn’t be pleasant. It would only be a few days, but they would be painful with nothing to eat or drink. Then again, his hands would be free. He could make Kili’s ending quicker. He could make it so he suffered alone. He lifted the cuff, careful not to rattle the chain.

Kili was close, but not near enough to the wall to be able to reach his arm without moving him. Fili leaned over, hand hovering above Kili’s arm. He stared at Kili, watching the rise and fall of his chest, seeing the familiar profile he had seen almost every day of his life.

Fili worried at his bottom lip, gnawing on the tender flesh until he tasted blood. His stomach twisted painfully as he forced himself to stop and think. Tears welled in his eyes as he thought about clicking the cuff around Kili’s wrist, and how hurt Kili would be by that betrayal. He thought about how Kili had always whispered to see if he was awake before crawling into his bed, and a tear slipped free. He thought about how Kili had looked in the firelight, _touch me_ ghosting through his mind, and he shivered hard enough to ring a faint chime from the cuff. Kili made a snuffling sound before rolling over and starting to snore again.

Moving slowly, Fili released the cuff and then crawled away. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t kill Kili. He loved his little brother too much, and was damned for it.

When he got as far away as he could, Fili sat and drew his legs up, resting his head on his knees. His stomach hurt from just the idea of what he had almost done. When he thought of no more smiles, no more laughter, no more Kili, he felt sick. He couldn’t breathe past the knot in his throat, and he couldn’t stop the tears running down his face.

Not only was he taking advantage of his ill brother, but he had been thinking of murdering him too. He was a bigger monster than anyone could imagine. He thought of his dream, how everyone had turned away from him. They were right to do so. Not only was he unfit to rule, he shouldn’t be around others. The revulsion he saw on their faces was a bare echo of how he felt about himself.

Lost in thought, it startled him when a hand brushed his shoulder. He lurched forward and spun around to see Kili blinking at him.

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Kili reached forward again slowly, as if he was afraid to scare Fili.

There was no way to admit what he had almost done. Even though he wanted nothing more than to crawl into Kili’s lap and be held, Fili pulled away. He didn’t deserve to be comforted. Especially not by the brother he had been thinking about killing.

Kili frowned, but sat back, allowing Fili to scoot farther away. He wasn’t willing to let the matter rest, though. “Fee? Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, Kili. Go back to sleep,” Fili muttered. He ran a hand over his face, trying to regain his composure.

“I can’t help you fix it if I don’t know what’s broken.” When Fili remained silent, Kili huffed and maneuvered until he was sitting with his sleep-warm chest pressed against Fili’s back.

Fili allowed himself to be pulled back, relishing the contact. He was unable to relax though, still sick with guilt. He didn’t deserve his brother’s attentions.

“The gods don’t make mistakes,” Kili whispered into his hair.

“What?” Fili frowned and craned his head to try and see Kili’s face. He was wondering if Kili was fully awake.

“The gods don’t make mistakes. Do you remember when you got in a fight with that boy?” Kili asked.

“Maybe you should lie back down, Kili. You aren’t making sense,” Fili said, pulling away.

Kili caught him, however, and wrapped long arms around his chest in a hug. “Humor me, Fee. Do you?”

“Which boy?” Fili leaned back against Kili’s chest again.

“The one that said I must be part elf.”

With a snort, Fili pointed out, “That doesn’t narrow it down.”

Kili laughed and started running a hand across Fili’s chest. “The one that told me the gods made a mistake when they allowed me to be born because I was so ugly. You told him the gods don’t make mistakes but he did when he insulted me, and you broke his arm.”

Nodding, Fili felt his face flame. “I remember the thrashing I got from Thorin for it.”

“He was furious. I could hear him yelling from outside.” Kili had a smile in his voice.

“And then I was stuck cleaning the stables for a month.”

“I thought about it for a long time, though. Gods don’t make mistakes. And that’s when I started to hope.”

“What do you mean, hope?”

Kili hugged him tight and was silent for so long that Fili wondered if he might have dozed off. Eventually he answered, “That you’d be used to the way I look. If you were used to it, maybe it wouldn’t bother you that I’m scrawny and look like an elf. Maybe you wouldn’t think I’m ugly, and one day you might love me.” He buried his face in Fili’s hair.

Tears rose in Fili’s eyes again as his heart broke. He hated to hear Kili sound so lost. “You were still so young then, Kee.”

“It didn’t matter,” Kili whispered. “It’s always been you. I’ve always loved you, for as long as I can remember.”

Fili shook his head in denial. How could he not have seen this? “But you’ve been with others. I’ve seen you. I even heard Dwalin tell Thorin to talk to you about sleeping with all your classmates!”

“Didn’t you ever wonder why you always walked in on me? Or why I never stayed with any of them? I was trying to make you jealous. None of them mattered to me.”

He hated to think that Kili had been so unhappy for so long right under his nose. With a laugh of disbelief, he said, “No, that can’t be. What about that boy that trained with Balin? You dated him the entire time he was here, almost a year! It was long enough that Ma wondered if you had chosen him for a lifemate! She was sad when he left and you didn’t say anything about it.”

“You mean the one with the blue eyes? Blond hair? The one that looked a lot like you?”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything? You never told me how you felt.”

“I was afraid. I love you so much, and I was scared you’d hate me. You are almost perfect and I’m just me.”

Fili rose to his knees and turned around so he could see Kili’s face. “Stop saying that! You aren’t ugly and I’m as far away from perfect as I can be.”

Kili’s brow furrowed as he searched Fili’s face. He whispered, “Do you hate me?”

If he said yes, Kili might release him and give up. Or he might stomp off and never come back. Or maybe he’d lose his temper once and for all. Fili couldn’t predict what might happen. But as he stared at Kili, he knew that if he said yes, it would be a lie.

He was silent long enough for Kili’s lips to thin out and turn white where they were pressed together. Amber eyes dropped, but not before he saw they were filled with tears. He ran a hand through Kili’s unruly hair.

“No, I don’t hate you. I love you, Kee.”

Kili’s gaze shot up. Fili saw his chin start to tremble. With a sob, Kili hugged Fili to him. Fili tried to sit down next to Kili, but wound up lying on his back with Kili’s face buried in his chest. Kili was silent, but Fili could feel him shaking as he cried. He rubbed circles on Kili’s back, trying to offer what comfort he could.

Fili knew that everyone would turn away from him when they found out what he had done to Kili. But he couldn’t imagine how Kili felt. He had only been trying to deal with this for a couple of weeks. Kili had been hiding it his entire life. No one had known, not even Fili.

Trying to push Kili away was stupid and cruel. He couldn’t allow them to take Kili away when they went home. There had to be another alternative besides separating them or locking Kili in a cell. He wished they didn’t have to go home at all.

That was a problem for another day, though. He hugged Kili and got a tight squeeze in return. He played with Kili’s hair, scratching lightly at the scalp as he had when they were young. Finally he felt his brother relax against him.

After Kili fell asleep, Fili stared at the fire’s dying embers, lost in thought. He loved his brother, he knew that now. Otherwise he would have killed them both when he had the chance. When he thought about his disregard of Kili throughout their lives, he knew he had to atone for years of casual callousness. He had been blind to his brother’s suffering. There was no way to make up for all of it, but he could try.

The fire had died completely out. Fili dozed off, aware that Kili was still clinging tightly to him even in sleep.


	16. Something I Can Never Have

I still recall the taste of your tears.  
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.  
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.  
Scraping through my head 'till I don't wanna sleep anymore.  
  
You make this all go away.  
You make this all go away.  
I'm down to just one thing.  
And I'm starting to scare myself.  
  
You make this all go away.  
You make this all go away.  
I just want something.  
I just want something I can never have.  
  
You always were the one to show me how  
back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.  
This thing is slowly taking me apart.  
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.  
  
Come on and tell me.  
You make this all go away.  
You make this all go away.  
I'm down to just one thing.  
And I'm starting to scare myself.  
  
You make this all go away.  
You make this all go away.  
I just want something.  
I just want something I can never have  
  
In this place it seems like such a shame.  
Though it all looks different now,  
I know it's still the same.  
Everywhere I look you're all I see.  
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

 

Fili stared into the fire, lost in thought. He couldn’t figure out how long he had been here in this room, chained to the wall. It had to be around three weeks, or maybe it was closer to four. He didn’t know anymore. He had spent too much time drugged or sleeping, and couldn’t see outside to gauge time passing or even the time of day. He had been here long enough to make everything outside of this room seem like a surreal dream.

They would have to go home soon, or people would come looking for them. Maybe someone already was. Would anyone even be able to find them? He didn’t know where they were. For all he knew, they were far away, where no one would think to look for them.

That idea didn’t bother him as much as it should have. He didn’t know what he was going to do when they went home. He thought of how everyone would react, how they would look at him when they found out what he had been doing with his brother. He dreaded the thought of having to face their mother and Thorin. They would all hate him. He shivered and pulled the blanket closer around him.

The motion caught Kili’s eye. He looked up from his spot beside the fire, asking, “Are you cold?”

“Maybe a little,” Fili answered.

Kili threw another log on to the fire. When he was certain it wouldn’t roll off, he crawled across the room to Fili with a smile on his face.

“What are you doing?” Fili watched him approach, raising his eyebrows.

From the edge of the mattress, Kili said, “I thought I could warm you up a bit.” With a theatrical growl, he grabbed the edge of the blanket, diving under it and grabbing Fili’s ankle.

When Kili started tickling his foot, Fili responded with a surprised shriek and laughter. He jerked his foot away, but Kili crawled farther up and grabbed him around the waist. They tussled around until Fili was flat on his back, pinned by Kili in a tangle of blankets.

“Still cold?” Kili murmured as he nuzzled Fili’s chin.

Fili struggled for a few seconds before laughing and giving up. “You’re incorrigible.”

“Yep.” Kili kissed him.

Fili returned the kiss, but then had to shift the angle of his neck. The chain was bunched up, and fell to one side with a clink. At the sound, Kili sat up and frowned.

“What’s wrong?” Fili didn’t know why Kili was frowning, but it make him uneasy.

“Nothing.” Kili got up and went to sit by the fire again. He fiddled with the duck he had caught earlier and was currently cooking in a pot.

Sitting up, Fili wrapped himself back up in the blanket. He watched as Kili started trimming some of the feathers he had saved to use for fletching his arrows. When Kili threw the feather trimmings on to the fire, the acrid smell made Fili sneeze. Kili looked up and frowned at Fili again. Fili caught the look, and looked down and toyed with the edge of the blanket.

Fili kept his head down but could still see Kili occasionally glancing at him and frowning. He couldn’t think of anything he had done to make Kili look at him like that. His shoulders were starting to ache where he kept tensing up, so he tried to force himself to relax. He wrapped the blanket tighter and huddled back into it.

“Would you do something for me?” Kili’s voice breaking the silence startled him. Fili didn’t know what Kili wanted, but he nodded anyway.

Kili rose, grabbing a cup and going to pick through the pack. He pulled out the wineskin and splashed a small amount into the cup. He crossed the room and held the cup out to Fili, demanding, “Drink this.”

“Why?” Fili made no move to take the cup.

“Because I asked you to,” Kili said. He stood there with an uncompromising look on his face, holding out the cup and scowling down at Fili.

Fili thought about arguing, but he knew he’d end up drinking the wine anyway. Maybe if he was cooperative, it would put Kili in a better mood. He grabbed the cup and threw back the contents in one big gulp. The wine was starting to get sour and he couldn’t help grimacing. Kili took the cup back.

“Could I have some tea? That tastes awful.” Fili shuddered.

Kili poured some tea from the kettle warming by the fire. He handed the cup to Fili and sat down beside him on the mattress.

After a few sips of tea to wash down the taste, Fili asked, “Why did you want me to drink it?”

Instead of answering, Kili turned to him and kissed him. When Fili kissed him back Kili deepened the kiss and pushed forward. Soon Fili found himself flat on his back again. Kili was kissing him slow and lazily, with no urgency or attempt to join him under the blanket. He nibbled along Fili’s jawline up to his ear, exploring the delicate shell with his lips, tongue and teeth until Fili shivered.

“You wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, would you, Fee?” Kili murmured into his ear.

A thrill of fear rippled down Fili’s spine and his breath caught in his throat. Did Kili somehow know what he had almost done, that he had been thinking of cuffing his brother to the wall and letting them both die? He silently reassured himself. Kili had no way of knowing about that, he wasn’t a mind reader. Anyway, it didn’t matter. Fili couldn’t kill Kili regardless of anything.

“No, I wouldn’t,” Fili said. It was an honest answer.

“And you love me, right?”

He nodded his assent, and Kili kissed him again.   The drug started to kick in, and Fili was glad he was already lying down when the dizziness hit. When Kili pulled away, Fili shook his head and blinked rapidly, trying to clear his vision.

Kili got up and walked across the room. Fili closed his eyes, hoping to forestall the spinning sensation. He rubbed his face with one hand, pressing the other flat on the mattress to help keep him feeling grounded. The familiar lassitude washed over him, and he swore that if he got out of this he would never drink wine again.

Kili came back and lay down beside him. He traced a finger across Fili’s lips, running it down to trace his jawline, giving a gentle tug to one of his moustache braids. Fili kept his eyes closed and enjoyed the gentle touches while trying to ignore the room twirling around him.

“You know how much I love you, Fee,” Kili murmured to him. “I can’t stand the idea of being without you. You’re the one person in my life that I have always been able to count on. I want you to be able to count on me too, to trust me, to know that no matter what, I will support you. You know that, don’t you?”

Without opening his eyes, Fili whispered, “Yes, I know.”

A light press of lips against his forehead, then Kili carded fingers through his hair. Fili hummed appreciatively at the sensation and started to doze a bit. Kili kissed the corner of his jaw.

“Sit up a little for me, can you Fee?” Kili nudged his shoulder.

Without moving, Fili said, “I’m tired.”

“Just for a few seconds, then you can lie back down and sleep. Come on, sit up.” Kili prodded and cajoled until Fili was partially sitting up.

Fili leaned heavily against Kili. The wine was making him feel sluggish and he only wanted to go to sleep. Still, he tried to humor Kili and stay at least sort of upright. He felt Kili playing with his hair still, pulling it back then off to the side. He shivered when Kili’s fingers caressed the nape of his neck.

“I love you,” Kili’s breath was hot where he whispered against Fili’s skin.

“Love you too,” Fili said. A small part of him was concerned about Kili’s behavior, but the rest of him was just so tired. Kili’s hands circled his neck, and that small part became alarmed. Kili didn’t apply any pressure though. Instead there was movement, a quiet click followed by a tug. Then there was a clatter as Kili let the collar fall from his hand to the floor.

Fili’s eyes popped open as he gasped. His hand flew to his throat. He was staring at the collar, he could see it lying there on the floor, and he felt the absence of the familiar heavy weight around his neck. He didn’t believe it, though. He reached out one shaking hand to touch it, but pulled back before he made contact. What if this was some hallucination, a dream brought on by the drugs? He squeezed his eyes shut, but when he reopened them the collar was still there.

“Kee?” Fili wanted to ask what was going on, what happened, was the collar really off? He couldn’t force anything past the constriction in his throat, though. All he could do was gulp air through his open mouth, clutching his neck.

“Shh, Fili, you’re alright. It’s okay, just relax,” Kili soothed him, pulling him back until he was resting with his back against Kili’s chest.

Fili’s head was whirling now, and he was starting to feel queasy. He couldn’t think and his vision was blurring. All he could do was slump against Kili, listening to the comforting murmurs.

“Isn’t that better?” Kili asked, tracing a finger down Fili’s throat. “I hated seeing you in that collar. It made me feel like I couldn’t trust you. Like you were some prisoner, or something dangerous. You’re my brother, Fili, and I know you love me. I can trust you.”

Still staring at the collar, Fili asked, “Then why did you make me drink the wine?”

With a soft laugh, Kili said, “Because I didn’t want you to punch me again. You have a mean right hook.”

Fili reached out again, and this time he touched the collar, running a fingertip across the metal. It was real. The collar really was there, unlocked on the floor next to him, not fastened around his neck. He closed his eyes but could still feel the reality of the collar against his finger. Suddenly he felt exposed without the weight around his neck. Maybe it was stupid, because he had been nude for so long that he no longer gave any thought to his state of undress. It was the lack of the collar that made him feel naked though.

Kili pressed a kiss against the skin of his neck that had previously been hidden under thick metal. It made him break out in gooseflesh. Kili hugged him tight from behind, and the room was still spinning, but Fili couldn’t take his eyes away from the collar. The drug made him tired and confused. Was this some test? Was Kili waiting to see how he would react? Was he going to be locked back into the collar? Surely Kili wouldn’t pull such a cruel prank. His stomach knotted at the idea.

“You’re tense, Fee. What’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy,” Kili said as he started to rub Fili’s shoulders.

“No, nothing’s wrong.” Fili forced his muscles to relax. “This was just a surprise.”

“Why don’t you rest a bit? I’ll let you know when dinner’s ready, okay?” Kili moved out from behind him, and dropped a kiss on his forehead before going back to sit by the fire.

Fili turned to face the collar. He knew he was being ridiculous but he felt like if he took his eyes from it, he would suddenly find it fastened around his neck again. He was growing more tired by the minute though, and his eyes kept drooping closed. He fought off sleep, but he knew it was a battle he would lose.

A quick glance told him Kili was trimming feathers again, paying no attention to Fili. Fili wrapped his hand around the collar, holding it tight. Now he felt like he could close his eyes and relax. The collar was in his hand, he knew where it was, he was safe. His other hand crept up around his throat, protecting the newly exposed skin. It felt extra sensitive and somehow more vulnerable.

One hand on his throat, one hand clutching the collar, Fili dozed off listening to his brother humming tunelessly and the crackle of the fire.

 


	17. Lights In The Sky

I tried to stay away  
Just in case  
I've come to realize  
We all have our place  
Time has a way you know  
To make it clear  
I have my role in this  
I can't disappear  
Or leave you here  
  
Watching you drown  
I'll follow you down  
I am here right beside you  
The lights in the sky  
Are waving goodbye  
I am staying right beside you

 

“Wake up.”

Rough hands shook Fili’s shoulders, waking him from his light doze. His vision was blurry, and he rubbed his eyes.

“Get up, Fili.” Kili shook him again.

“I’m awake. What’s wrong?” Fili was disoriented, only able to see Kili’s silhouette, the fire blinding him. “Did something happen?”

“I said _get up!_ ” Kili sounded angry.

Fili sat up, his stomach twisting. He rubbed at his eyes again but his vision wouldn’t clear. Kili’s face was in shadow, the room wavering around him. He didn’t know he was still holding the collar until Kili jerked it away from him.

“Get out.” Kili threw the collar and it landed on the floor with a crash.

“Kee? What…” Fili stared at the collar, his brain unable to process what was happening.

“What’s wrong with you? Are you deaf? I said get out.” Kili had shifted position. When Fili looked up at him, he could see Kili’s lip curled back in a sneer, his eyes jet black.

Fili hunched down, pulling away from his brother. “Are we going somewhere?” He reached for the blanket, but Kili jerked it away.

“Good, you heard me. That means you’re not deaf, just stupid. Leave. Go. Get out.” Kili stood, looming over Fili.

“Where do you want me to go?” Fili certainly felt slow witted. He couldn’t figure out what was going on.

“I don’t care. As long as it is out of here.” Kili turned away and went back to the fire.

“Are you coming with me?” Fili rubbed his eyes again. He still couldn’t see properly.

“I want you to leave. I want you away from me. Why would I come with you?”

Fili felt like he could hardly breathe. “Did something happen?”

“ _You._ ” Kili spun and faced him again, walking closer with every word. “You happened. What did you think? That I would want to stay with you? That I’d keep you around? You’re used up, worn out. You’re damaged goods. You’re worse than useless. Why would I want to keep a broken, pathetic thing like you around?”

Fili was unable to say a word, mouth moving uselessly. Kili bent over him, grabbing his shoulders roughly.

“You make me sick. I don’t even want to look at you. I said get up!” Kili snarled into his face. Kili made a fist, drawing it back to strike. All Fili could do was brace for the blow, watching the fist flying towards his face.

A harsh jerk and Fili’s eyes flew open as he gasped. Kili’s face was above him, but the cruel sneer was gone. There was nothing on his brother’s face but concern, worry shining in his amber eyes.

“Fee? You were having a nightmare. You wouldn’t wake up. Are you okay?” Kili ran a hand over Fili’s head, smoothing back the hair where it was stuck to his face with sweat.

Fili looked around. He was flat on his back, blanket wrapped around his legs. The collar was still clutched so tightly in his hand that his fingers were cramped. He didn’t loosen them, though, reluctant to give up this tether to reality. He used his free hand to tug the blanket up higher.

“A nightmare?” Fili asked. It had felt so real. He was having a hard time with the transition from dreaming to waking. The dizziness from the wine left in his system wasn’t helping.

“Yeah. Do you want to talk about it?”

Fili shook his head no. “Can I have a drink?”

“Sure.” Kili kissed the tip of his nose and asked, “Do you want to come sit by the fire while I make us some tea?”

“No.” Fili’s hand spasmed painfully around the collar. “I just… I’m still sort of dizzy.”

“Okay. I’ll get you some water, then.” Kili stood and went to the packs.

Fili kept a close eye on Kili. He was having trouble separating the cruel Kili in his dream from the caring Kili who was shooting him worried looks. When Kili came back and tried to hand him the cup, Fili flinched. He caught himself, but of course Kili noticed.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Kili asked, watching Fili with a worried expression.

Fili took a sip of his water and nodded without looking up. He stared at the collar, still held in his hand. He didn’t want to let it go. While he held it, Kili couldn’t lock it around his neck again. But it also gave him a small measure of security that Kili hadn’t taken it away from him completely. He forced his fingers to relax until he was able to let it go. He sat it down on the mattress next to him, right beside his hip so he could reach down and touch it.

Kili had gone back to sit beside the fire again. Fili glanced up at him, trying to gauge his mood. He tried to reassure himself that just because Kili had taken the collar off of him, that didn’t mean that Kili did not want him anymore. But then why was Kili on the other side of the room, away from him? Why hadn’t Kili really touched him since the collar was removed? Maybe Fili’s dream was truer than he realized, maybe Kili was tired of him, sick of him, and wanted away? He reached down and traced the collar with a finger.

“Kee?” Fili’s voice was barely above a whisper, but it was all he could manage right now.

Kili looked up, eyebrows raised. Fili didn’t think he looked angry, but he was having a hard time judging. He dropped his gaze from Kili’s questioning look, unable to say anything else.

A rustling noise, then Kili’s feet entered Fili’s line of sight. Kili stopped in front of Fili, and then squatted down so they could be face to face.

“What’s wrong, Fili? Talk to me, please?”

Fili didn’t know what to say, how to describe his dream, how to explain how he felt since the collar had come off. So instead, he leaned forward and kissed Kili. The kiss was soft and hesitant, full of all the insecurity, self-doubt, and uncertainty he was feeling.

Breaking the kiss, Kili leaned back a bit to look at Fili. He asked, “Are you okay?”

Fili didn’t want to think about it. He certainly didn’t want to talk about it. He leaned forward and whispered, “I’m fine. I want you.” He wrapped his arms around Kili’s neck, pulling him closer and kissing him. He kissed along Kili’s jawline, and then locked his arms around Kili’s neck and fell backwards. He pulled Kili along, and he wound up under his brother’s weight.

Fili caught Kili’s mouth in another kiss, this time there was nothing hesitant about it. It was rough and desperate, and when Kili tried to pull back a bit he tangled his fist in Kili’s hair, holding him in place until he finally let go with a final nip to Kili’s bottom lip.

“What’s gotten into you?” Kili sounded breathless.

“You, and hopefully soon,” Fili murmured as he licked up Kili’s neck. He rocked his hips up, feeling where Kili was starting to get hard.

Kili pulled back, though. When Fili tried to follow him, Kili pinned him down by his shoulders and gave him a searching look.

“Is the wine still affecting you? You’re acting odd.” Kili pulled back farther, sitting up when Fili tried to kiss him again.

The rejection caused all of Fili’s insecurity and anger to boil over. He shoved Kili away from him causing the brunet to fall backwards with a stunned expression.

“Why don’t you just come out and say it? You don’t want me! You think I’m pathetic! You don’t love me! You don’t even want me around! That’s why you took the collar off! Were you hoping I’d sneak off in the night like some nameless whore? That way you could avoid all this? Well I won’t make it that easy! _Tell me, gods damn you! Tell me you don’t want me anymore!”_

Fili realized he had been shouting into Kili’s face, and shut his mouth with a sigh. Mumbling now, staring at the ground, he said, “Just say it, Kee. Say it and get it over with.”

“Fili, look at me.” When there was no response, Kili tried again. “Fili? Please look at me?”

When Fili looked up, he was surprised to see tears tracking down Kili’s face. Kili reached out for his hand, and he passively allowed it.

Eyes never leaving Fili’s face, Kili told him, “I don’t know what gave you that idea, but I love you. I love you so much, Fee. And I’ll want you until the day I die. I took the collar off because I thought it would make you happy. All I want is for you to be happy. If you were to sneak away, it would kill me. I can’t imagine being without you. I’ll do anything for you, Fili, all you have to do is ask. Just please don’t ask me to give you up, because I can’t live without you.”

Confused, not knowing what to say, Fili pulled his hand back and watched his fingers trace the collar lying beside his hip. That was real. Cold metal under his hand was something tangible, something he could touch and see. Words were nothing but air, gone as soon as they were spoken, different meanings to different people. Who knew if they were real or imagined, truth or lie? He curled his fingers around the collar, holding it tightly again.

“Fili?” Kili’s voice was gentle now, like he was speaking to a scared dwarfling, or trying to calm a startled pony. “When we go home, I could make you another one.” He reached out and covered Fili’s hand with his own, where it gripped the collar. “Not bulky like this one. Something you can wear, and only the two of us would know what it meant. It would be a reminder that we belong together. Would you like that?”

He nodded. It wouldn’t be the same, of course, but it would be a reminder. A reminder that Kili loved him, and still wanted him. And that no matter what, they were still brothers.

“And if you like, I’ll wear one too. We could have a matching set,” Kili said, teasing and trying to lighten the mood.

Fili looked up, and immediately felt horrible. Using his free hand, he wiped the tears from Kili’s face.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you like that. I don’t know what got into me,” Fili said, not meeting Kili’s eyes. He was ashamed of his outburst.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Fee.” Kili pressed a kiss on his forehead, telling him, “Why don’t you try to relax? Dinner is almost ready, and then maybe we can go to the river and wash up after we eat.”

The thought of leaving the room made Fili’s stomach twist with anxiety again, but he didn’t want to admit it. So he nodded and gave Kili a smile, and then laid down, still clutching the collar.


	18. We're In This Together

I've become impossible  
holding on to when  
when everything seemed to matter more  
the two of us  
all used and beaten up  
watching fate as it flows down the path we  
have chose  
  
you and me  
we're in this together now  
none of them can stop us now  
we will make it through somehow  
you and me  
if the world should break in two  
until the very end of me  
until the very end of you  
  
awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin  
they pick and they pull  
trying to get their fingers in  
well they've got to kill what we've found  
well they've got to hate what they fear  
well they've got to make it go away  
well they've got to make it disappear  
  
the farther I fall I'm beside you  
as lost as I get I will find you  
the deeper the wound I'm inside you  
for ever and ever I'm a part of  
  
you and me  
we're in this together now  
none of them can stop us now  
we will make it through somehow  
you and me  
if the world should break in two  
until the very end of me  
until the very end of you

 

“Fili?”

A hand ran through his hair, pausing to scratch at his scalp. Fili turned his head into the touch.

“Come on, Fili. Time to eat.”

Fili opened his eyes and saw Kili leaning over him, smiling. He groaned and burrowed under the covers.

“Wake up, sleepyhead.” Kili tugged on the blanket.

“It’s cold.” Fili uncovered his face and peered at Kili.  

“Why don’t you come sit with me by the fire? Dinner’s ready, and I made some tea. You’ll warm right up,” Kili cajoled. “You can bring the blanket, too.”

Something poked him in the chest when he shifted and Fili realized he was curled around the collar like a dwarfling with a stuffed bear. He pushed it away with a grimace and sat up, watching as Kili went back to the fire. Fili stood slowly, wrapping the blanket around his shoulders like a cloak. Kili gave him an encouraging smile before turning away to fuss with the kettle.

Fili looked down and caught a glimpse of the collar lying on the floor with the chain coiled next to it. It made him think of a snake. The keys glinted in the firelight on their hook by the door. A log popped in the fireplace and Fili jumped.

Had the room always been this big? It felt huge, cavernous, like he shouldn’t even be able to see the other side. He glanced behind him at the wall, and resisted the urge to press his back against it.

“Fee?”

Fili flinched and whipped his head around to look at Kili. His breathing was starting to speed up and he was gripping the blanket tightly, but he couldn’t pinpoint what was making him so anxious.

Kili rose, coming back to Fili. With an outstretched hand, he said, “Come on, Fili. Come sit down with me, okay?”

Fili stared at the hand for a long moment before snaking an arm out of the blanket, allowing himself to be coaxed across the room. He kept the blanket wrapped tightly around his shoulders as Kili settled him down next to the fire and then sat with him, close enough that their knees bumped together.

“It’s nice to sit by the fire, isn’t it?” Kili asked.

Fili nodded. It was blessedly warm, and he loosened his grip on the blanket as he took a deep breath. The room still felt too big, and it looked different now that he saw everything from a new angle. A furtive look around told him everything was still in its place. It seemed strange, though. The fire was too bright, the shadows too deep. Everything looked sharp and angular. His stomach chose that moment to let out a growl. Embarrassed, Fili ducked his head.

“I’ll get you some food,” Kili said with a smile, patting him on the shoulder.

Fili watched as Kili rose and busied himself with making two plates. He took one with a murmured word of thanks. He didn’t feel very hungry, regardless of his stomach’s complaints. He picked around at his dinner until Kili had finished eating.

“Don’t you like it?” Kili asked, gesturing at the uneaten food.

“I’m not very hungry,” Fili said without looking up.

Kili reached over and broke off a small piece of cheese. He offered it to Fili. “Open up.”

Fili opened his mouth and allowed Kili to pop the bite of cheese in. As he chewed, Kili maneuvered around until he was sitting behind Fili. Fili relaxed and leaned back, enjoying the added warmth and letting Kili feed him small bites until his food was almost gone. He shook his head when Kili tried to get him to eat more.

“If you’re done, do you want to go out to the river? We can wash the dishes and clean up a little ourselves,” Kili said.

Fili’s stomach cramped and he regretted eating anything. The thought of leaving made him tense again. He didn’t know where they were. What if they came across someone they knew? Were they close enough to home for that to be a concern? He didn’t want to have to try and explain his reluctance, though.

“I have a better idea,” he said, turning in Kili’s arms until he was straddling the brunet. He kissed Kili and then said, “Why don’t we get all dirty first so we have a reason to go bathe?”

With a grin, Kili asked him, “Oh? What did you have in mind?”

“I’m sure we can think of something.” Fili nuzzled Kili’s neck, sucking and nipping at the tanned stretch of skin.

“Now that you mention it, I might be able to come up with an idea or two,” Kili said before kissing Fili deeply.

Warm hands ran down Fili’s sides, one slipping down to cup the curve of his buttock while the other pressed into his back, urging him closer. He gladly followed the unspoken direction, rocking into where he could feel Kili hardening. When Kili started kissing down his neck he arched his back, moaning when he felt fingers tracing the cleft of his ass.

He gasped when Kili grabbed him, rolling them both until Fili was below him. After a kiss, Kili sat up.

“Have I told you how beautiful you are, Fee?” Kili used his fingertips to lightly trace Fili’s forehead, down over his nose and across his lips, briefly tugging his mustache before continuing down his jaw and down his neck. “Seeing you spread out for me, knowing I can touch you like this, knowing you’re mine… this is more valuable to me than all the gold in Erebor. You are my greatest treasure.”

Fili looked away, trying to hide his blush. The look on Kili’s face was too much for him right now.

Catching Fili’s chin and turning him back, Kili told him, “You don’t have to turn from me, Fili. No matter what it is, you don’t have to hide it, okay?” He waited until Fili met his eyes and nodded before kissing him.

The kiss turned from something sweet and soft into something warmer. Fili broke it so he could unwrap from the blanket before pulling Kili back against him. He whimpered when he felt Kili’s clothes against him, instead of the warm skin he wanted. Kili smiled at the noise and Fili lightly nipped his bottom lip.

“Take off your clothes,” Fili whispered.

“In a second,” Kili told him, and began licking his way down Fili’s neck, pausing to suck a bruise into his collarbone that had him squirming and whining. Kili held himself up so all Fili could feel was the occasional light brush of Kili’s shirt against him, and the wet heat mouthing and licking at his skin.

He tugged at Kili’s shirt, saying “Take this off.”

Kili was happy to oblige this time, peeling his shirt off over his head and throwing it to the side. He took the opportunity to reach over and grab the vial of oil before returning to kissing Fili.

After several more lazy kisses, Fili ran a finger into the waistband of Kili’s trousers. “Take these off too.”

Kili nuzzled Fili’s neck, briefly biting an earlobe. “You’re impatient tonight.”

“That’s cause I want you in me,” Fili said, craning his neck so he could gently bite the tendon standing out.

“We can do something about that, then,” Kili said with a smile. He sat up, but instead of taking off his pants, he used the oil to slick his fingers. When he slowly slid one finger into Fili’s entrance, the blond arched his back and hummed appreciatively.

Fili allowed his legs to fall open further, allowing Kili easier access. Soon he hooked an ankle behind Kili’s back, urging him closer.

Never stopping what he was doing with his hand, he leaned forward and kissed Fili. The way they were laying, Fili was pinned under Kili’s weight with his legs open. He buried his face into Kili’s neck, asking, “More, please Kili.”

When another finger was added, Fili moaned and pressed into the sensation. It felt so good, but it wasn’t enough. He rocked his hips, seeking more, but that only made Kili smile at him. He squirmed around, but the way Kili had him pinned he couldn’t even reach his own cock.

“Kili, please!”

“Please what, Fee? What do you want?”

Fili still had his face buried in Kili’s neck, providing little nips and nibbles, but he could hear the smile in Kili’s voice. Smug bastard.

“I want you inside me, I want you to fuck me.” Fili rolled his hips, trying to encourage Kili.

“Maybe I just want to tease you,” Kili told him pressing the spot that made Fili arch his back and gasp. “Maybe I want to keep you here like this, panting while you ride my fingers, so needy for me.”

Fili groaned. “No, I want you to fuck me, brother.”

At any other time, Fili might not have noticed Kili’s reaction. Kili’s breath caught in his throat and he completely froze for a split second before he pushed forward, grinding against Fili. A little shiver shot through his body before he inhaled a shaky breath. Right now Fili was so attuned to every move that Kili was making, there was no way he could have missed that. It didn’t take him very long to figure out what caused that reaction in the first place.

He craned his neck until he could suck Kili’s earlobe into his mouth, biting lightly before he murmured, “Please, brother, fuck me.”

There it was again – that little pause, the shaking exhale, breathing speeding up and all from one simple word. Fili wondered how far he could push with this newfound knowledge.

Fili wrapped both legs around Kili’s waist, pulling him until they were tight together, trapping Kili’s arm between them. After a passionate kiss, he said, “Kili, please, I want you in me. I want to feel you filling me up, brother, feel you as you come inside of me. How do you like knowing that your own brother wants you like that? Knowing that your brother will be full of you and your seed?”

That was as far as he got before Kili was pulling away with a jerk, clumsily trying to get off his pants without having to stand up. Fili thought he heard a rip, but he didn’t care right now. He couldn’t help but snort when Kili started kicking one leg frantically, trying to get his pants completely off. Kili looked him wild-eyed, and then finally the pants were gone.

Fili let out a breathless little laugh when Kili caught his legs behind the knees, throwing them up over his shoulders. After a sloppy application of more oil, Kili thrust forward and turned Fili’s laugh into a wordless cry. Fili was bent nearly in half as Kili leaned forward to kiss him. Fili locked his arms around Kili’s neck, holding on when Kili started to move.

It felt good, but Fili wanted more. He whispered, “Kili, faster.”

Kili kept the same slow pace. Fili wriggled but was pinned down and couldn’t move much. He opened his eyes, seeing Kili propped on his arms above him, studying his face. Kili met his eyes and smirked. Deciding two can play at that game, Fili clenched around him. Kili gasped and threw his head back.  

“Fuck me harder, _brother,_ ” Fili commanded. Kili froze, looking at Fili with surprise before slamming into him, making him moan.

“Is that what you want?” Kili asked, slowly pulling back and then thrusting hard again, watching Fili’s face.

“Yes, like that.” Fili wound Kili’s hair around his hand, pulling him close for a kiss. “Make me yours, brother.”

This time, when Kili pushed into him again, the angle had changed. Kili stole the sound he made from his lips with a kiss. After that, all Fili knew was pleasure. With his legs still over Kili’s shoulders, one hand tangled in dark hair, the other clutching at the blanket under him, he could barely move. His moans spurred Kili on until he came, muscles rigid and straining. The hot throb deep inside made Fili spill across his own chest and stomach with a cry.

After a panting, breathless moment, Kili pulled away and fell to his side with a grunt, careful not to land on Fili. He groaned and said, “I think you killed me.”

Still breathing hard, Fili grinned at the theatrics. “Is that a complaint?”

Kili’s eyes popped open and he said, “Mahal no! Banish the thought!” He returned Fili’s grin and reached out, trailing a finger through the spend across Fili’s chest.  

It made Fili shiver. When Kili raised the finger to his mouth, licking it clean, Fili swallowed hard. He lightly slapped Kili’s shoulder. “Enough, brother. I need time to recover before you ravish me again.”

Kili stopped his teasing and looked down, suddenly acting shy. “Did you mean it?”

The sudden change in attitude had Fili confused. “Did I mean what?”

Without meeting his eyes, Kili asked, “Did you mean it when you said you wanted me to make you mine? Would you want that?”

Fili’s throat tightened as his stomach lurched with anxiety. “Aren’t I yours already?”

Kili shrugged. “Is that what you want?”

“Yes.” When Kili looked up, Fili nodded. “I want to be yours.”

With a smile, Kili leaned over and kissed the end of Fili’s nose. “I love you. Do you want to go to the river and wash up a little before it gets too late?”

“No.” Fili shook his head for emphasis when Kili looked surprised. “We can go tomorrow, alright?”

“Okay, tomorrow then.” Kili leaned over and grabbed a discarded shirt, using it to wipe them both off. Tossing it away, he urged Fili to turn on his side then scooted behind him, spooning him. He buried his face in Fili’s hair and dozed off.

Fili tried to relax with the warmth of the fire in front of him and his brother behind him. His chest was still tight with unease, though. Had Kili changed his mind? Did he not consider Fili to be his?

As much as he dreaded going home, Fili knew he couldn’t put it off much longer. He wished that he and Kili could stay here. He knew there would be a scene when they went home. If Kili didn’t want him, then he would have no one. He shivered and Kili threw an arm around his waist, pulling him close and murmuring something.

Surely Kili wouldn’t turn away from him too, after all of this. Fili tried to reassure himself. Kili loved him. Kili wanted him. Kili wouldn’t leave him. Still, he stared into the fire, tense for a long time before finally falling asleep.

 

**Author's Note:**

> The chapter titles and song lyrics are taken from Trent Reznor and Nine Inch Nails. You could probably make a Nine Inch Nails playlist and it would fit this story. Of course I didn't write any of it, but Trent is a pretty cool guy when it comes to his stuff. He encourages people to take it, use it, and make it their own. So I don't think he would begrudge the use of a few of his lyrics in my story.
> 
> Thank you for reading, kudos, and comments! 
> 
> As always, I am over at Tumblr. Feel free to come say hi! 
> 
> [[My personal blog]](http://myseri.tumblr.com/)   
>  [[My writing blog]](http://saucywenchwritingblog.tumblr.com/)   
> 


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